is malding
Infowars is being shut down now! pic.twitter.com/nb4loGvL12
— Alex Jones (@RealAlexJones) November 14, 2024
Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.
All told, the decision to acquire InfoWars was an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board.
Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic "panic" and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can't even put a man on the Moon.
Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.
No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.
Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.
What's next for InfoWars remains a live issue. The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories.
As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO's life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal.
All will be revealed in due time. For now, let's enjoy this win and toast to the continued consolidation of power and capital.
Infinite Growth Forever,
Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO
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Its over for chudom. Here is th tldr version:
Also this:
!chuds
!tmz
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InfoWars is honestly a great name for a conspiracy parody site.
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If only the fricking people at the fricking onion were fricking funny. It will be fricking dead quickly enough.
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It's just gonna be InfoWars but left-leaning, with endless amounts of Trump seething poorly disguised as parody.
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They will never pretend to be as funny as realrawnews is
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Look, I didn't cry when I found out Hillary got hanged, but you shouldn't get joy out of it.
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I'll never forget where I was when Tom Hanks was hanged o7
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Yeah their articles are just pure orange man seethe. They're especially mad at blacks and Mexicans.
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Why?
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They voted for orange Hitler
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!latinx is this true?
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Give me a bean recipe you frickin sudaca
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Hey, chud. Ham-fisted jokes are good, okay? You need to make sure it's easy for the audience to follow and then you have to explain the joke in excruciating detail lest they misunderstand you. ALright?
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But enough about the Babylon Bee we were talking about the Onion
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Marse! He did it again!
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But I thought the Babylon Bee was good?
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zoz
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zle
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zozzle
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Can't jones
just make infobattles or something 
or was the "defamation lawsuit with more damages than Google's ever paid for anything" one that had a clause that prevents him from doing anything 
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He's already moving to the "alex Jones network" like tucker
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Tiger King for Department of Fish and Wildlife. Alex Jones as Director of the CIA
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I don't know about funniest but it's up there and that delivery sure is
But the parody site will probably not be as good
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Sad reflection on our society when satirists acquire a "serious" news website and somehow make it less funny
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I liked clickhole.com
Gonna wait and see what they do with this
https://clickhole.com/heartbreaking-joe-rogan-just-died-during-a-test-of-his-own-design-to-see-if-men-are-stronger-than-ghosts/
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This is actually pretty good. I had no idea any part of the company had managed to avoid sucking.
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They had choose-your-own-adventure games that were pretty great
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Holy shit, bardfinn's dead victims killed Joe.
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Record is 1 days 13 hours 09 minutes and 59 seconds by TheDunceonFlorist
Top 10 bard respectors:
BardWatch: 1907
ThACAsgiving: 359
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Patsy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))): 191
911roofer: 137
arsey: 129
RWBY: 122
FormerLurKONG: 114
UncleAbortion: 101
IRREDEEMABLE-CHUD: 95
Slavsquatting: 84
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Harassing grieving parents isn't funny
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Source?
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Which verse exactly?
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Romans 12:15, heretic. Doesn't say harass with those who weep!
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Romans 12:15
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It does?
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It was kinda funny, but they also deserved get sued
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Yes like a million bucks a family would have been perfect
They got 1.5B lol
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the onion is a corpse puppeted by unfunny propagandists
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Not anymore! They got bought back a year or two ago
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They were bought by Ben Collins a former MSNBC "journo" who was an expert in "disinformation" and has a terminal case of Trump and Elon Derangement Syndrome.
His Elon hate was so bad NBC took him off his reporting beat because he kept malding unprofessionally about him.
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Better one mad journo than a soulless media syndicate
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Nice contrarian bait bb
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It's what Jimie does best
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Same thing with
@GRUEEATSPOO and 
@Borpa 
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I'm still the most contrarian poster of all time u dumb b-word
Ur my favorite poster btw love ur content
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Really?
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Can you post a single recent funny video from them to back that up.
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They still hit occasionally between all the seething about Drumpf.
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Wait really?
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Apparently this is not a prank (or it is, but it's a prank paid for with real money, like
acquiring 
)
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"Infinite growth forever"
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Which company got couped though?
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This is kinda funny ngl. Surprising, since it involves the onion.
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It's funnier when you know The Onion was bought in 2016 to give Hillary a boost.
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It was?
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https://theintercept.com/2016/01/26/ha-ha-hillary-clintons-top-financial-supporter-now-controls-the-onion/
This article was a month after the news broke, and was one of the most boring ones The Onion ever did.
https://theonion.com/female-presidential-candidate-who-was-united-states-sen-1819578617/
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I just want to go on record here and say that if you have used this website for >1 minute, and you don't think this is among the funniest and most dramapilled things that have ever happened, you might be wearing your chud belt a bit too tightly.
This is incredible. On the day this site was founded, in the wildest imaginings of the r-slurs that decided to create a place that would celebrate and laugh at concentrated idiocy, nobody could have predicted this outcome. I'm literally in pain from laughter. God fricking bless the united states of america.
You know what, I'll go one further - to anyone saying "oh but the onion isnt funny anymore", they literally just bought infowars. This is the single funniest thing a satirical entity has ever done, and likely will ever do. It's literally over, I'm actually going to piss myself laughing.
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It is funny, the idea and execution of the acquisition are S-Tier, but it makes me sad for there being no longer the possible of serious InfoWars shenanigans and I know with the Onion's current quality they won't make good use of it to compensate
Edit: nvm
@JimieWhales said that someone bought out the Onion and it's funny again we are so back 
Edt 2: apparently the guy who bought it is formerly employed at MSNBC for being to
for them 
Et3: I have decided to give the mad journo a chance and will wait with cautious optimism
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Nihilism is the realm of the redditard, fellow drama user.
The little voice telling you things are getting worse and to expect disappointment is the devil, and you should ignore him.
There will be a future.
live edit: YEAH B-WORD LETS FRICKIN GO HOPE FOR THINGS TO BE FUNNIER AND IT WILL HAPPEN REALITY IS LITERALLY WARPING TO AN RDRAMA FUTURE BEFORE OUR EYES CUTE TWINKS FOR EVERY TAXPAYER
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its chudover
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Who are you?
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cirno
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Who?
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cirno
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Who's that?
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Oh ok
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He deserves nothing less
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Dammit I was going to post that.
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That shit was in the early to mid 80s, what the frick is this r-slur going on about? I fricking hate what the onion has become.
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Churchies were saying Harry Potter leads to Satan.
Their was still a satanic panic it just wasn't aimed at your hobbies anymore
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My hobby? There's always been r-slurs around calling all sorts of shit Satanic or demonic, thats not whats being talked about. The Satanic Panic was a nationwide hysteria about preschool, daycare and elementary teachers being involved in ritualistic sexual abuse and sacrifice literally worshiping Satan.
Are you a low end millennial or a zoomer?
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Ok autism boomer.
I'm a person who realizes that the term 'Satanic Panic' has been used for more than just one specific incidence in US history.
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Sale to the onion has been blocked for now:
https://rdrama.net/post/317433/marseyjones-marseyjones-marseyjones-legal-bombshell-judge
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I hope Alex Jones murders Ben Collins.
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Best possible outcome tbh. Mr. Jones didn't deserve this
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They pulled a
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Record is 1 days 13 hours 09 minutes and 59 seconds by TheDunceonFlorist
newest bardfriend is not-dua-lipa at 11:12 on 13-11-2024
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Looks like he's lost lots of weight
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This is a good thing though?
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The deep state is when I lose
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Snapshots:
https://x.com/RealAlexJones/status/1857058831135645739:
ghostarchive.org
archive.org
archive.ph (click to archive)
Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands.:
ghostarchive.org
archive.org
archive.ph (click to archive)
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