is malding
Infowars is being shut down now! pic.twitter.com/nb4loGvL12
— Alex Jones (@RealAlexJones) November 14, 2024
Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.
All told, the decision to acquire InfoWars was an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board.
Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic "panic" and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can't even put a man on the Moon.
Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.
No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.
Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.
What's next for InfoWars remains a live issue. The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories.
As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO's life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal.
All will be revealed in due time. For now, let's enjoy this win and toast to the continued consolidation of power and capital.
Infinite Growth Forever,
Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO
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I just want to go on record here and say that if you have used this website for >1 minute, and you don't think this is among the funniest and most dramapilled things that have ever happened, you might be wearing your chud belt a bit too tightly.
This is incredible. On the day this site was founded, in the wildest imaginings of the r-slurs that decided to create a place that would celebrate and laugh at concentrated idiocy, nobody could have predicted this outcome. I'm literally in pain from laughter. God fricking bless the united states of america.
You know what, I'll go one further - to anyone saying "oh but the onion isnt funny anymore", they literally just bought infowars. This is the single funniest thing a satirical entity has ever done, and likely will ever do. It's literally over, I'm actually going to piss myself laughing.
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It is funny, the idea and execution of the acquisition are S-Tier, but it makes me sad for there being no longer the possible of serious InfoWars shenanigans and I know with the Onion's current quality they won't make good use of it to compensate
Edit: nvm
@JimieWhales said that someone bought out the Onion and it's funny again we are so back 
Edt 2: apparently the guy who bought it is formerly employed at MSNBC for being to
for them 
Et3: I have decided to give the mad journo a chance and will wait with cautious optimism
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Nihilism is the realm of the redditard, fellow drama user.
The little voice telling you things are getting worse and to expect disappointment is the devil, and you should ignore him.
There will be a future.
live edit: YEAH B-WORD LETS FRICKIN GO HOPE FOR THINGS TO BE FUNNIER AND IT WILL HAPPEN REALITY IS LITERALLY WARPING TO AN RDRAMA FUTURE BEFORE OUR EYES CUTE TWINKS FOR EVERY TAXPAYER
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