!oldfags !chiraqis @snallygaster this is a real deep cut. Read while listening to Dumb Hardcore EP for period-appropriate ambience.

Background

In the early-mid 2000s, LightBlueExtra was a Chicago area music BBS with a focus on the punk and hardcore scenes. My parents would never let me go to shows, but my older brother was in the scene and back in the day he used to go to see bands at The Fireside Bowl and post on LBE (he's not in this thread, if you're wondering). It was a fun, laid-back forum with lots of random shitposting and their own custom word filters. One thing that made it different from other internet forums is that almost everyone on it knew each other in real life. The core group of users and jannies ("Elitist fucks") all went to middle school together or something. By the 2000s they all had shitty new grad jobs, and were going to see each others' bands play, sleeping with other people in the scene and occasionally internet bullshit would spill over into actual IRL drama or vice versa.

I sometimes lurked, but I was too scared to post with the cool 20-somethings. I always dreamed that I would grow up, get my bellybutton pierced, and pretend to be a cool bitch on the internet. But then, by the time I was in my 20s, Facebook, Instagram and Tumblr had killed forum culture. Today, LBE is a graveyard, and I was shocked to discover it's still online at all.

Setup

On January 31, 2005, OP threw down the gauntlet.

The link is broken now, but I found a snippet of the article on another old forum

By BEN FELLER, AP Education Writer WASHINGTON

The way many high school students see it, government censorship of newspapers may not be a bad thing, and flag burning is hardly protected free speech. It turns out the First Amendment is a second-rate issue to many of those nearing their own adult independence, according to a study of high school attitudes released Monday.

The original amendment to the Constitution is the cornerstone of the way of life in the United States, promising citizens the freedoms of religion, speech, press and assembly. Yet, when told of the exact text of the First Amendment, more than one in three high school students said it goes "too far" in the rights it guarantees. Only half of the students said newspapers should be allowed to publish freely without government approval of stories.

!moidmoment

If you ever want a concise illustration of how American culture has changed over the last two decades, you could do worse than this: A bunch of 20-somethings were wringing their hands that a single youngun thought unpopular opinions should be censored. In 2005, 83% of high schoolers believed in

One poster waxed philosophical about grass and summer and debating important issues or something, but I just wanted to highlight his banger signature. Someone here should steal that. Somebody ping dinochads!

>"His team decided to mount their search for dinosaur DNA not in amber or the coal measures. They chose to search for it in fresh human semen"-Jones, M. The Molecule Hunt. (New York; Arcade Pub.,2001) p. 35

Soon enough, in the way of all forums, the grammar nazis arrived, ready to throw down and start shit with Dvorakcels

(I actually kind of love this guy. I hope he hasn't mellowed at all the last 19 years and we could be a power couple with massive egos picking fights with everyone over its/it's )

This threat is funnier because unlike on most messageboards, when someone on LBE says "why don't you say that to my face?" there's at least a chance they will at the next show.

The Grammar King from Sorrow Mountain would be a good band name.

Anyway, it goes on like that for a while. I'm not going to screenshot the whole thread but !clinklickers it's worth a click because there's some medium-funny posts in the first few pages. By February, it looked like the thread had petered out to a natural ending:

Punchline

But then, seventeen months later, a new challenger enters the ring: A self-professed 13 year old Australian downie...

Everything about this kid is peak 2006 and my heart is full of warmth and nostalgia to see it. Remember when people just posted whatever stupid obnoxious shit they wanted, and it wasn't about AI or politics or anything except a teenager acting retarded?

Same.

The regulars mostly ignore him for a while, but he keeps trying to get a rise out of someone...

By now, some people are getting into the spirit:

#69

I didn't realize TRUTH was this old, tbqh.

That could have been meeeee!!! I could have been the bratty sister acting like a twat on my brother's forum and embarrassing him in front of his cool friends.

Everyone kind of thinks it's fake, or a sockpuppet or a @carpathianflorist alt - because really, what the fuck? How does some random Australian child even stumble on an obscure local forum?

And then he's back the next day! And the crazy thing is he might not actually be a fake...

>.how odd, testosterone really gets the best of u doesnt it...

>stoked

>LEGENDS

...do Burgers say "stoked" and "legend"?

He also starts DMing people:

Two days later, he's back again:

A hundred posts in, he finally the OP and has some tHoUgHtS to contribute:

>Do u people seriously find it that hard 2 believe that it may actually just be a 13 year old...who else would b so agressive towards the world lmao

Our precocious troll makes another account specially for this single post:

He goes on for a few more pages, posting a bunch of random links like this blog about 'small meat processors' (lol) and a guide to finding the g-spot https://www.seductionscience.com/seduction/g-spot-376.htm

Some users are finally starting to be more annoyed than amused:

The old internet was great. Why do we never get random children trolling on this site?

Zing.

'elp, 'elp, im being stereo typed!

I feel like you could make this same joke on rdrama today and get DC for it. Is dramatard culture directly descended from genX music boards?

Our little Roo declares victory:

Hey, someone see if bigwetbutts.com stood the test of time.

But that wasn't the last we'd see of our hero. A little over a week later, surprise!

@Harmless weighs in with the wisdom of the ages:

Oh, but has the trolling metaphorically boomeranged on him?

(I forget how it worked, but "negative rep" was like a downvote or something)

Cuckaroos can't compete.

And then, two weeks later, our protagonist fires off one last riposte before riding off into the sunset, never to be seen again: