[Absolutely True Story] A Typical Day at a Drug Sales Rep Conference

Ping! Ping!

It's 8:13AM and I wake up hung over as shit in my hotel room. I look to my left and see an overweight Dr. Feelgood snoring. I don't remember exactly what happened last night but I'm sore everywhere. I look over at my cell to read the notification that woke me up.

“Congrats, Frozen. You've hit your numbers for this quarter!” a text from my boss reads. Darn, I guess I did put out. So glad I finally got 200 doctors. That bonus is mine!

I put on a tight black dress and heels and take the elevator to the lobby. The doors open to a sea of more fake blondes than the Republican National Convention. I quickly scarf down my company provided breakfast (20mg instant release Adderall and an expresso) and head to the conference room in the nick of time.

Pulsating disco music fills the air. Plumes of smoke emanate from the front of the stage as colored strobe lights take out the 3 epileptics in the audience.

A Gavin Newsom look-a-like (with whiter teeth) takes the stage leaving a snail trail of hair gel in his wake.

“We've had some big wins this year,” he says. “We have seen an increase in prescriptions for Marseylumimab after it was approved by the FDA in Q2 for Transmisia. Q4 bonuses will be issued next week to reflect a whopping $1.2B increase in clinically questionable claims to Medicare. As always, you'll have the option to choose between hookers and coke for your disbursement.”

I start to ponder which gigolo from cowboys4angels.com I'll hire when the room suddenly gets quiet.

“But,” he says, tears welling in his eyes, voice breaking. “We must always remember what this is really about.”

His chin quivers and a single tear streams down his face. He collects himself, looks up at the crowd and wipes away the tear.

“Putting. The. Patient. First.”

“Now let's go out there and make some frickin' money 😎”