My incel poem goes as this:
The clouds gently lay as blush on her face
Heavenly blessed, warmly dressed by sunrise
A thousand men rally to hold her in place
United they fight to push her to the skies
But heaven is jealous, and heavy clouds weep
Tears smear the veil that was laid by the dawn
Mountains so fair could have roots buried deep
Pride proves impotent when mens' strength is gone
So the sea ebbs with no signs of that peak
As twilight gives castles new roles to play
Lost, a queen seeks for her king of the meek
Will Christ return at the end of her day?
"The clouds you see once kissed my cheeks,"
Boasts the beautiful barren beach.
I don't really like the second stanza, and overall feel like it's missing "something". Namely, I don't think the foid in this poem has done anything wrong. I think I could make it better by just adding more, but then it would no longer be a sonnet. Any suggestions?
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Heavenly blessed, warmly dressed by sunrise,
The clouds gently lay as blush on her face.
A thousand men rallied to hold her in place,
And they fought to push her into the skies
But heaven was jealous and sent circling storms,
Tears smeared the veil that was laid out by the dawn.
And men saw that now her beauty was gone,
What was once comely and radiant, was now haggard and worn.
But in twilight the weary find new roles to play:
A dowager queen seeks her king 'mongst the broken,
And vows again to never break the oath she'd once spoken;
Alone at her window in the last light of day.
And the wind whispered through the reeds on the beach,
"The clouds you see once too kissed my cheeks."
Idk this is how I would write it.
It's got good imagery but it's inconsistent. The narrative is either too loose or not evocative enough. I changed the rhyme scheme just cos. I don't care for the alliteration
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hmm the second stanza on yours has some good suggestions. I think i get a bit attached to certain lines and won't let them go.
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You gotta learn to let go
They're just lines, they're free. Just make more of them
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