Overwhelmed. That's the only word that can describe how I feel right now. I'm drowning in emotions, thoughts, and ideas that I can barely function. Perhaps writing out the issue will provide some relief.
Physical Strife
I've returned to self-harming. I don't even need benzos or painkillers to do it anymore. I can slash myself to the white meat and just sit with the pain. It barely phases me. In fact, there's a part of it that feels deliciously good. It's an entire experience - the blood that drips, the sight of carved-out flesh, the sensation of being obliterated. It all comes together beautifully. I'm not even ashamed of my scars anymore. I think what I've done to myself is quite remarkable, and not many people could manage. If only I could challenge that willpower and dedication to something worthwhile, but I'm stupid as frick and all I can do is longpost and do drugs.
I tried to contact my psychiatrist but they're closed until January. I made an appointment with a GP for today but I don't really know what I'm going to do or say. Just tell them I've been self-harming and having panic attacks? I don't know what they can do for me. I doubt they'll be allowed to prescribe me anything, since I'm technically still supposed to have a supply of benzos for the month (I ate them all ages ago).
Should I go or should I just leave it? I think what I'm really looking for is just someone to talk to, though I don't know if a GP is the right person to be talking to.
As I write this, I'm listening to Nas Illmatic, and I'll say it's my top 5 most favorite albums of all time, and I'd argue it's the greatest hip hop album of all time. I think Life's a B-word is the greatest rap song of all time, and AZ absolutely kills it.
My favorite line is:
I switched my motto; instead of sayin', "Frick tomorrow!"
That buck that bought a bottle could've struck the lotto
I love how it encapsulates that "quiet violence of dreams". We have a vision of someone trying to escape the sins of their environment, but their most reliable means of escaping their heck is to win the fricking lotto. There's such a sense of futility and misery wrapped in these lines.
Social Strife
So it's clear I don't belong here. Everywhere I go I annoy people and make them angry. People have actively verbalized that they don't like me, and this recurring pattern is one that has characterized my life since childhood. It isn't a big problem - I'm a generally introverted person. However, I'm not schizoid and I do need some amount of love and acceptance. I fail to find these things and that makes me sad.
I'm so fricking depressed about being an incel. I'm 29, broke, no hope of GF, children or marriage. I can't even buy hookers because nobody's going to frick a dude with actively bleeding legs. I have literally permanently locked myself out of s*x for the rest of my life with my mental illness and self-harm. I do wonder, if I had the same personality, but I wasn't a 156cm ugly black man, would I still be an incel? These are questions we need quantum computers to answer.
I crave self-harm right now but my appointment is in three hours and I don't know if I can stop myself from cutting until then. And again, I'll probably be wasting my time and money going to a GP who is going to look at me and say "I didn't go to school to deal with schizos" and refer me to a psychiatrist which, as I have highlighted, is gone until January.
Conclusion
I don't know whether I should go to the doctor or not. Am I wasting my time? What am I hoping to achieve?
Well Reddit is shit and I need something to do when I'm not playing RDR2 so I guess I'm stuck with you r-slurs. You people who will give me griefing awards, insult me, tell me to kms, and accuse me of using ChatGPT (an accusation which confuses me. There are tons of plagiarism detection sites online. Proving I use ChatGPT would be trivial, yet nobody does it).
I'm so fricking overwhelmingly sad I can't think straight. This was supposed to be a longpost about Eugene Terre'Blanche but I'm too sad to do it.
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Neighbor I've been trying for years at this point to get through your thicc as frick skull but you only listen to the fricking negative comments. You won't even upmarsey we when I have written long as frick comments trying to help you and talk to you. Your brain autofilters for the fricking bad shit because of your OCD which is fricking also the fricking root of your obsessive cutting.
Get offline, get meds, get therapy. When you're actually trying you get so far. You were fricking going clubs, you talked to Sarah and confessed your feelings, which took lots of fricking balls and accepting you were not fricking asexual.
You have real potential to be happy.
Even if you can never get laid, which I think is not fricking even close to being an immutable fate, life's so much more than that. Stop thinking with your peepee and go outside ffs. And stop visiting weird incel forums >:C
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What he needs or wants is genuine sympathy to prove to himself that the universe isn't as cold as he worries it is. He's looking for it in the worst possible place.
Sneedman whatever you need in life you won't find it here. I feel for you man and so do some others here but a few sympathetic people, in an internet community that's mostly hostile to sympathy, who will never meet you, aren't going to do you any good.
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I've had s*x and I'm still the same dysfunctional neurodivergent I was before.
Get some hobbies that aren't videogames. If they require you to go outside, even better.
The worst thing you can do is to sit around and focus on things that make you sad.
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what this person said
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Why cant you pick a vice like boozing that doesn't scar you on the outside
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booze worse honedtly, would vause brain damage after a while unlike cutting
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I've asked
Doge to stare 
at you until you stop. 
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The root of unhappiness comes from thinking your thoughts are you.
Do you ever have moments where you don't think at all? Where those thoughts just come and go and you don't pay that much attention to them?
Usually this happens when people are engaged with their hobbies. When do those flow state moments happen for you?
When you learn to exist without getting caught up in every thought that passes in your brain, you'll find peace. You can be in a flow state all the time by being present, but it takes practice. You just learn to be, without adding all the weight of verbiage and inner judgements. It's what some call a zen state. Others call it a state of grace. If you are in this state, it doesn't matter what your external circumstances are, you will be fulfilled and free.
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Give up on this goyslop, it's what (((they))) want you to believe fulfills your life.
It's time to dedicate yourself to a quiet life of religious prayer and contemplation, and give up on foids.
Scan https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_order_(Catholic)#List_of_religious_orders_of_men_in_the_Annuario_Pontificio and pick whatever robes look coolest, and join. I'm sure they need some BIPOC representation as well.
Personally I think the Trappists look kinda sick
Don't believe in god? It's ok I'm sure most of them don't too lol
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jesus said best way was abstaining but its okay to take wife if u must to prevent sexual sin
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Have you watched Kung Fu Hustle?
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Just watched this one last week 😁
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There's always going to be people you rub the wrong way... That's probably more on them than you.
Maybe I'm different but I've been to that place where I've tried to push depression out of my mind for so long, I no longer feel anything... And feeling pain is better than feeling dead inside. It's an awful place to be and it's a difficult cycle to break, but it is possible to get out of.
Seeing a
is a good idea (psyche of GP) but they will only be able to give you things to assist you... You're going to be the one to pull yourself out of the pit. Just start small; Let yourself have small victories and try to build upon that. And be kind to yourself when it doesn't work (life is hard and it likes to kick you when you're down). I find distance running kind of scratches that masochistic itch while still being healthy (but what works for me might not work for you).
For what it's worth; I think you're cool
and you contribute a lot to this site (I really like your posts). Go easy on yourself.
Feel better friend
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Phaggotry levels through the roof from OP
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unless you are black, this seems like a very appropriative decoration to have? I think it makes people uncomfortable.
also, don't worry about annoying, I just skip your threads usually
also, don't harm yourself :) God loves you
you will get better I am sure
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ironically this post encapsulates the most dangerous part of yourself. You're desperate for validation, and when you don't get validation, i can only assume you start crying like my mentally ill ex.
You stated that you're a very short guy, and you're a minority. If you're not trying to lose more points, i'd advise against cringe pity farming. Sadly for you, nobody here cares about anyone on a personal level, and your life will only get more sad the longer you spend on the internet.
best of luck, stop being a cute twink
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Have you considered becoming a homosexual ?
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Life's a B-word is in a tossup with Memory Lane for the best song on Illmatic but AZ's verse in it is probably the best verse on any album Nas put out, which I find absolutely hilarious.
Keep your chin up. Enough people here like you that it's stupid to focus on the ones that don't.
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Cope peepeelet
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I'd at least see the doctor and let them know you've not been doing well, for the most part they're there to help. They might not have the cowtools but like you said, it can be nice to just have someone professional to talk too.
Wish I could hook you up with my femcel friend, she's also 29 and feels very similar. I don't have advice besides don't give up on yourself and don't think nobody out there would give you a chance. I'm married to someone with scars, it doesn't define them to me.
You'll get better king, keep fighting
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I like you and don't want you to hurt yourself. Try to focus on enjoying Christmas with your family our just be yourself.
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Hi u should try having s*x with a cute femboy
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Go to church.
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Does the singer know that, or does he just think that a new productive way of life for him is buying lotto tickets instead of booze? This is relevant because you also seem to not be seeing all your choices. Admittedly the doctors are a good direction, but when you're sitting there getting off to cutting yourself you could use some longer term considerations.
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Yes! Adult circumcision can be a painful procedure without proper medical care.
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"Why am I so depressed after dealing with my problems in the most self-destructive ways possible?"
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hey neighbor, (yes I can say that I am not ytoid)
go eat kfc n shieet and enlist in wagner
Glory to Russia!
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