boring, self-pitying crying of a subhuman ahead, you have been warned

I love the period between Christmas and New Year It's a quiet time which gives you time to think, for better or worse.

Over the last few years, I have again fallen down a hole I was in after finishing high school, and it took a kick in the butt to make me dig myself out of it. I managed to do it, it took a while and I will forever have to deal with the consequences of it, but for a while things were good. Then I fell back into bad habits and behaviors. Now I'm again looking back and looking forward, and the shit I'm in is anxiety inducing. It's not world ending, it's nothing too dramatic, but it's a lot I have to fix. My main problem, from which most other of my problems branch off, is my absolute dislike, fear and inability to be around people and the constant shame I have. I don't necessarily hate people, but just being around them is stress for me, I'm bad at communicating with them 99% of the time, and I will do a lot to get away from people as much as I can, tl:dr, I'm a kitty. I tried to calm myself with alcohol a little, and it worked, but I don't like alcohol and just stopped with that. Then I dealt with things like presentations or seminars or meetings with kratom, and it's good, but I also want to get away from that.

Here's a list of Ls which I will have to fix

• 1: lose weight

I'm back to my fattest again. I already managed to lose ~50 kg (110 lbs for the yankees) the first time, held it for a few years, gained a bit back, lost that again, but now I'm at around 130 kg (286 lbs) gain. I'm not the most active, but I do a bit of exercise almost every day. My main problem is binge-eating, or in general food as comfort or to deal with stress. The last times my motivation was anger basically, anger at myself, and I made an excel sheet in which I tracked my weight, what exercise I did and what I ate every day. It was a good system, since I could always track my progress and it gives you a routine to do things and record things, kinda like a diary. This also has leads to

• 2: fix my teeth

It's bad. Real bad. I haven't been to a dentist in years, and soda and sweets do bad things to the teeth. I'll leave it at that.

• 3: fix my passivity and laziness

In most circumstances, I know what I should do or what I would need to do. For a time I was able to just do things that I didn't want to do, but the combination of being fat, bad teeth, fear and atrophied socialization make me procrastinate things and only make everything worse. I also indulge in escapist things, like video games or shitposting on cat forums, to avoid responsibilities. I always think "on the weekend I will do this" but then do none of it, or a bit of it on Sunday afternoon. Here as well, shame and the desire to hide often keeps me from doing things, as well as general laziness.

• 4: stop porn

I've always been a coomer as far back as I can remember, but this again has gotten worse over the years. I know from experience that fasting or in general low calories diet will also lower my libido since I'm just gonna be too exhausted to jerk off, so this will hopefully help. Otherwise, I have transferred all my porn to an external drive and should I find the willpower, I can delete everything at once.

• 5: be a better person

I'm not an butthole to people in general (in parts because, as mentioned before, kitty), and I try to be nice to people, but I have periods when I'm just so miserable I speak even less than usual and this comes off as rude. In addition to this, as much as it pains me to say, I have to fix my resentment towards women. Once in a while you meet one who makes you think maybe they aren't all bad, but the pessimism and everything you hear and read quashes it soon after. Maybe fixing all the other stuff will help with this as well, I don't know. I didn't always hate women, it developed over the years, slowly.

Those are the main things I'm looking forward to in the coming year. Why did I post this? I dunno, I was doing one of my early morning cycling routs and just wanted to rant. I'm also again heading towards change, and this always wakes you up a bit more, even if you are already aware of everything. Inevitability is a kick in the butt as well. Will I read any replies? Maybe, maybe not. Now laugh at me