Communique #2

If I had known a few days ago how bad things would get, I wouldn't be writing this. I went through all kinds of indignities at the hospital all because I'd mentioned the idea of suicide. It was like when Ben Stiller says "bomb" on an airplane in There's Something About Mary except it stopped being funny really fast.

It quickly went to farcical but in a sad way. Like having a fricking 24 hour guard placed at my door, as if I was Khan. Hobbling around trying to learn how to walk with a cane while people simultaneously enforce security regulations on you and warn you not to get too tuckered out is more offensive than the sum of its parts.

But I put up with it. Apart from yelling twice at the very end I remained not just civil but downright cordial. Mostly that's because of my sweet disposition. But there was also an understanding that I would be transferred soon to a place where I would get some inpatient psychiatric care. Where we would really root around in my brain and try to fix what was wrong. Where I'd finally let someone know who I really am.

In Oregon in the late 1800s there were thousands of beds in inpatient psychiatric facilities but now we've got maybe a few dozen. By staying in the real hospital, I jumped to the top of the queue. So when Monday rolls around I'm randomly assigned to one of the three nuthouses. And I picked the short straw.

Various more indignities follow. The details don't matter but basically it's a series of instances where I'm treated like I'm in jail, except always in an exaggerated way beyond how you would ever see an inmate treated in general population.

Keep in mind that this is all because I honestly admitted I'd been suicidal in the last month and was willing to accept treatment and make an honest attempt at it. That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it? Every authority figure has told me to do exactly this because it's the right thing to do and also it will be best for me in the end. Heck, I figure if I, as an extremely secretive person, am going to bare my soul to a stranger then I must really be brave.

And then I show up at the nuthouse...

!schizos to be continued but I'm probably gonna watch some mid 1990s tv show like Acapulco HEAT first