ANOTHER W FOR TRANSQUEENS!

Have you heard the 3 months-old good news? No? Well have you at least ever heard of Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius Antoninus Augustus, better known as Elagabalus ? Neither? Yeah, not surprising.

Well guess what! you motherlovers were too busy sneeding about sandshit and New-Yorkers bombing Dearborn neighbors to smitherins. , some historical footnote character recently got pulled out of irrelevancy few months back, when the British Museum decided to deem him her trans-coded!

"But What?" you may ask, "CoconutGun , surely this would have made some noise if the Grandioso British National Museum pandered to trans shittery!" Well you are right, and the explanation here is that No, I'm not talking about THE British National Museum, the one's who's fricking based and keeps artefacts looted and spoiled from all the places the brits ever set foot on .

No, I am talking about the one soon to overshadow the latter, the one and only! The North Herdfordshire museum! What is that? Oh, some random city 50km away from London's metro area whose random museum that opened 4 years ago looks like any small town library. But anyway, this museum which most of its content is probably dedicated to local miscellaneous artefacts locals found gathering dust in their attics seems to be controlled by a bunch of Humanities degree weirdoes because they won't ever shut the frick up about trans rights

But what prompted the North CummingPoopingtonshire museum to respect Elagabalus' pronouns? Well simple, they did so after consulting the experts scholars of... Stonewall!

The slap-fights

Victory screech

Naturally, the Bird-app and Tumblr folks cried in celebration for this precious bean they absolutely knew frickall about, finally being vindicated! Like sharks sensing blood in the water, they immediately sucked it up seized the body of some random neighbor that died 18 centuries ago and hopped on the bandwagon parading him as the newest transqueen

You may have heard of the transgender Roman Emperor Elagabalus, but how true are the claims that she was trans? Find out in Episode III of We Have Always Existed

Same poster later on:

The transphobes getting ahold of this tweet are so predictable and tedious, y'all are the least interesting people on Earth. Get a life

What a level-headed being, I wonder what they look like:

I highly advise people to browse xer birdapp account. It literally looks like one of y'alls bait profiles.

Its joever

Meanwhile, chuds are naturally not happy. Poor fricks are even losing their roman bust statues from the troid menace, can't have shit on twitter.

Here is one decrying the list of Ws the Woke Agenda have been pulling

This week, museums, endorsed by significant parts of both the mainstream media and academia, have:

• Claimed the plague was racist

• Removed an exhibit because a woman called a man "male"

• Promoted a call for the murder of Jews

• Said a Roman emperor was a 'trans woman'

Lots of pearl-clutching and doomposting

We have let the radical left get control of academia and the media because we thought their bias would not harm us. Now we are called alt-right if we believe the most basic scientific facts and governments worldwide are organizing to curb our freedom of expression. It is time to point out absurdities and to express our opinions even when they are unpopular.

Obligatory post from our favourite self-hating asian lolcow, Mr. Cheong

I skimmed the threads, but besides rightoids sneeding there was nothing much, until I found this guy! Portland Professor Phd!

The original Romans/Italians were actually Black. Look at this flag of Corsica. A piece of history that the white colonizers couldent totally destroy. It shows the original inhabitants

Wow what a statement. These are Moorish Islamic invaders. The story is too long to explain here. But you are a nutcase. If you really teach, you need to be fired.

Thats what the whites want you to believe but its stolen land and made up history. It started when Black julius Caesar built the pyramids and whites got jealous

Which one of you dramatards this account belongs to? You're doing great

Remember dramatards, this is the stance to adopt. Everytime, all the time

Tumblr celebrates too!

Anyways, we beat our peepees in a circle, laughing at rightoids, and ers. But I assume most of you can't name at best more than five roman emperors, a few more if you hang in those neurodivergent trad circles. But surely none of you ever heard of that Elagabalus fella. Well it's pretty explainable why, so let's go back to school, swallow a couple pills of adderall and open some dusty-ahh history books and learn about Elagabalus. For this, I'll use another Tumblr thread, entirely screencapped for your convenience so you don't have to browse your way to the Heck that this crusty shithole of a website is:

It beings with OP pooping and crying that /ourpreciousbean/ is finally given the proper pronouns and hundreds of other s pissing and crying too:

But who was Elagabalus?

Now, while many transbeans are busy clapping too out of joy and representation, but a few skeptics who actually listened to History Class back in Middle School instead of being asocial losers obsessed with Tohou and Lucky Star start asking unwelcome questions

Here, Tumblr scholar Gservator summarizes Elagabalus pedigree better than I can:

No, however he was one of the worst Emperors of Rome.

Elagabalus took the throne at the age of 14, he brought with him a conical black stone, which he declared was the earthly form of the sun god El-Gabal, who gave Elagabalus his name, and lifelong office as high priest.

He shoved the Roman lead God Jupiter aside, and did the unthinkable, he installed El-Gabal at the head of the Roman pantheon, and married a vestal virgin.

Oh yes, to take the throne, he committed treason, revolting against Emperor Macrinus, overthrowing him, and murdered Macrinus' nine year old son Marcus Ophelius Diadumenianus.

Elagabalus was also persuaded to believe that wrong was right. It would have been very hard for a child of 14, or 12 in one account, to see the flaws in the arguments presented by those he believed his allies.

He also allegedly committed the human sacrifice of children.

If true, Elagabalus was certainly one of the more abhorrent Emperors.

He forced leading members of Rome's government to participate in religious rites celebrating his deity, presiding over them in person.

He married four women, other than the Vestal Virgin, in addition to lavishing favors on male courtiers thought to have been his lovers.

He was also reported to have prostituted himself, and had his guard find men with the largest peepeees to give them government jobs, and would hold contests with them to see who could whore themselves out the most.

His behavior estranged the Praetorian Guard, the Senate and the common people alike, so much so, that despite him being the illegitimate son of the Emperor prior to Macrinus, they assassinated him at the age of 19 and replaced him with his cousin.

Elagabalus developed a reputation among his contemporaries for extreme eccentricity, decadence, zealotry and sexual promiscuity, he was no tyrant, he was worse, he was an incompetent Emperor, one prone to zealotry and eccentricity.

So sure, if you people want to claim one of Rome's greatest failures as your own, go ahead, I won't stop you.

In conclusion

Elagabalus was an absolute failure of an emperor. A dipshit teenager elevated to supreme power, which he used to be absolutely debauched, even by roman standards. A guy so insufferable that his own guys whacked him, 4 years into his reign, at the ripe age of 19. Too inneficient to be remembered positively, and not even bloodthirsty enough to be remember as a menace like the more unhinged roman emperors. He failed on all scores, and ended up being an anecdote among the giant list of other short-lived, incompetent and quickly ridden emperors.

One of the few chronicles we have is about himm is from some guy called Cassius Dio, who claims that Elagabalus was 'termed wife, mistress & queen', told one lover & 'Call me not Lord, for I am a Lady'. But most historians believe the accounts were simply a character assassination as he was reputed to be as tyrannical as Caligula & Nero. But a couple of millenial losers in charge of a 3 rooms-sized museum in rural England decided to twist that libel&slander into praise, and unearthed this long-forgotten failboy to place his cadaver on a parade throne and drag him down the street!

Diversity wins! This laughable historical figure was trans-coded!

Elagabalus: Being a male feminist, body shamer, abusive person of power and a torturer and killed many innocent children along with being a religious fundamentalist and hating the poor

Transgender community: omg it's literally me!