Ghosting and No-Contact

I feel like the pills I'm on right now have put me in a spot where I can deal with a lot without freaking out too much, so I'll take advantage of that and write this high drama and potentially fricked up article. I'm on a vow of honesty anyway. The aim is to literally never tell a lie again until the day I die. Lying is beyond evil, but I'll discuss that in a different post.

It's a cliche statement at this point, but humans are social animals. We need each other not just for practical reasons, but for social reasons as well. Though there are so many incentives to cooperate with others, at many points, we find ourselves in moments of conflict.

Conflict can take many forms. Sometimes, it's petty insults in the workplace from a bully. Other times, it's a divorce stemming from infidelity. I think you'll agree when I say the desire is deep to be on amicable terms with everyone, but it unfortunately isn't possible.

We will fight with loved ones, ruin friendships, and even upset our pets. Due to my experiences, I find that most people will forgive you following the conflict, provided they believe you are a good person at heart. A significant percentage of people require an apology. And of course, we have our “grievance collectors” who will never forgive you, and they will harm you as soon as an appropriate opportunity arises.

One of the biggest factors that affect conflict is that people who are at odds seldom hold equal power. Here are some examples: The son is upset with his mom's lack of respect for his privacy, but his gripe holds less weight than his mother's rules in her home. A staff member in the workplace is publically humiliated by a manager, and there's absolutely nothing they can do about it.

Sometimes, the best option in a case of conflict, or potential conflict, is to flee. Putting physical distance between you and your combatant can be a life-saving move. If you're lucky, simply leaving a friend group is sufficient. Other times it's necessary to leave the city.

In such cases, you have the choice to

a) Explain to the other person why you have removed them from your life

b) Cut contact without explanation

Option B often goes by the term “ghosting”. Today, I want to talk about ghosting and no-contact, why people do it, and its effects on both parties.

Ghosting and No-Contact Defined

Explained most simply, ghosting is the act of cutting contact with someone without prior warning and without an explanation. It's sometimes been used to describe people who suddenly stop talking on dating apps, or accepting an invitation to go to a church, then not doing it and blocking the priest's number.

Personally, I believe ghosting only occurs if there is a notable prior relationship between the two (or more) parties. It doesn't have to be extremely intimate. For example, if someone stops chatting on a dating app, I don't think that's ghosting. However, if the two of you PHYSICALLY go on a date, and following this, you suddenly cease all messages and block the person, that is a genuine case of ghosting.

Ghosting is part of the larger concept of going “no-contact” with someone, which is a concept you've probably heard of. On Reddit, it's recommended for people who have “narcissistic parents”, for example. Stefan Molyneux has also spoken about the concept and encouraged his fans to go no-contact with their entire families and he often uses the term “deFooing”.

Going no-contact is not limited to ghosting. It can sometimes involve telling the person what you're about to do. This can take the form of a letter, email, or even an explanation in person. According to studies, women are far more likely to ghost than men. This article provides some reasons as to why this is the case.

Of course, many men will take a polite rejection well, but as women, we are not trained to reject, talk about our needs, or even think that our opinions should matter. So, sometimes, disappearing or fading away seems like the safest bet.

https://www.bustle.com/p/women-are-more-likely-to-ghost-someone-theyre-dating-than-men-theres-a-very-good-reason-for-that-8963133

Why ghosting is frowned upon

I'm going to speak about ghosting specifically (i.e. no-contact with no explanation). From my research on Reddit and other sites, the most common position is that this is immature, cruel, and anti-social. The reason for this is that the person who has been ghosted is left without a sense of closure. They have no idea what they did wrong, and can feel abandoned. This can lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem. It's also a harsh form of rejection, basically telling the person “I don't respect you enough to explain why I'm cutting you off.”

Depending on what kind of person you are when ghosting, you'll be interpreted in one of two ways.

a) If you're generally a meek person, it will be seen as the act of a coward. “You're a little b-word too afraid to even explain yourself so you slink away.”

b) If you're confident, you'll be seen as a narcissist who treats people like objects and discards them when they're done.

Lastly, ghosters are often considered to be people who aren't capable of good communication or appropriate social skills. I am capable of nothing. Well, that's false, I'm capable of being a wretched stain on this beautiful planet, a streak of slime that inevitably repulses even the most kind-hearted people. I can't be helped. I deserve to be cut to the white meat, several times Can you take 4 white gashers and 5 normie cuts in a single session you worthless piece of shit? Of course you can, just focus on your worthlessness.

I've started learning how to use first aid kits. The first time I just wrapped gauze over everything and it stopped most of the bleeding, but not without becoming soaked itself. Had to take it off slowly in the shower the next day because it stuck to my cuts. So for you dumb cutters out there - you need dressing first. They're squares that are placed over the wound. They have a material on one side and feel like plastic on the other. Don't take the material off - that's the side you place on the cut. Depending on your self-harm style, you may need a couple of dressings that overlap to cover the entire area. Change the dressing and bandages regularly.

I've been slipping hints of psychological distress and suicidal ideation at work. I think I'll stop because I don't want to lose my job lol. It's not as bad as the last two paragraphs which only like 5 people will read, but they are disturbing one-liners. Also, don't worry about me, I haven't cut in a couple of days. It feels like I'll be fine for now, though I now have numerous cuts that should have been stitched so now they're still sitting wide open, occasionally bleeding and sometimes secreting white secretion film indicative of purulent drainage which is an infection.

Ghosting and No-Contact

Let's discuss communication first. If you go on Reddit, you'll find countless stories of people complaining about being ghosted by friends, romantic partners, work colleagues, and gaming friends. Often, they express feeling betrayed and complain that the person doing the ghosting has poor communication skills.

This is an easy position to understand. If you have a problem, you should speak instead of just fricking off. It's childish to be afraid of confrontation and to run away from your problems. “Use your words” is the advice that's given.

I want to explore these points. Firstly, I'd like to talk about the unexpectedness that is complained about. I call bullshit. I hypothesize that VERY, VERY few cases of ghosting are absolutely unexpected. Deep down inside the ghostee knows where they wronged. You know darn well what you did or didn't do. You understand what flaw of yours repulsed the person. You're just incapable of taking responsibility and admitting you were wrong.

To believe otherwise is to argue that most people take an irrational approach to relationships and regularly choose to cut contact with people they love and get along with. No, this doesn't happen. People on good terms seldom have to deal with ghosting. Far from it, they talk, and they increase how often they interact with each other because they enjoy each other's company.

Am I to believe that those complaining of ghosting are in the situation described above? It's obviously not the case. The ghostee knows the relationship was shit in some fashion, and that they were almost certainly the one to blame.

Why ghosting is not a form of poor communication

I've already outlined that many consider ghosting to be a poor form of communication. I disagree, and I believe that those who make this argument are the ones who are poor communicators.

We've all heard the meme that communication is only 10% verbal or some shit. We also know it's false. The concept of there being any percentage of verbal communication is flawed. At any given point we may dedicate varying aspects of our communication artillery. It all depends on the situation.

If you're talking to a younger child, you may focus sharply on your words and your tone to ensure the child feels safe. If you're speaking to your husband, You may focus far more on your body language to express your desire for intercourse.

With that out the way, I wish to present the idea that silence is a valid and often effective form of communication. If you tell a joke I find offensive, and you hear no response, I have communicated to you everything you need to know about what you said. Communication in this situation has occurred effectively, and both parties know how the other feels.

Ghostees fail to understand that silence is a powerful form of communication, and there is often 0 ambiguity regarding what is being said. This is the best example I can give. You're at a party. Person A is going around speaking loudly and telling everyone exactly how happy he is to be partying. Person B is seated on a couch, saying nothing at all and just fiddling with the label on a bottle of beer.

Has either individual communicated less? No, they've made their mind state absolutely clear, just not in the same way. You know Person A is comfortable and happy with the party through his words. You know Person B is uncomfortable and not enjoying the party through their silence. Neither party is a worse communicator. Just different.

If you go on a date and don't hear from the person again, they've told you in clear terms they're not interested in pursuing you. The frick do you want them to do, provide a detailed list of why they think you're unworthy of their time?

If you're ghosted in the workplace or by family, you almost undoubtedly know why it happened. You pissed someone off to the point where they're not interested in talking to you anymore. The problem isn't the communication - you just don't like what is being communicated.

You're also annoyed by how it's being communicated. You lack the knowledge of the intricacies of silence in any communication setting. Hearing words is easy. We have dictionaries to tell you what every word means. We don't have “silence dictionaries” explaining the definition of every form of silence. Nevertheless, through life experience, we should learn what they mean.

Is ghosting immoral

Upon research, I am utterly shocked at how many sites and Reddit posts call ghosting a form of emotional abuse. It's even on Wikipedia!

Ghosting is associated with negative mental health effects on the person on the receiving end and has been described by some mental health professionals as a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse or cruelty.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghosting_(behavior)

This makes me laugh. It's a foolish statement. I thought I was a soft b-word, but my spirit is lifted to know that there are people more pathetic than myself. I would feel no sense of guilt whatsoever ghosting someone unless I had some kind of obligatory relationship with them e.g. wife, children, or someone who is dependent on me.

Except for that, ghosting is always on the table, and I will use it without a hint of shame. I am an incel, and I have absolutely no right to demand relationships from women. No woman on Earth is obliged to show me affection, acknowledge me, or even speak to me. If I demand a woman speak to me, that is harassment, and I could potentially incur legal consequences for that.

By the same logic, You are not entitled to any form of relationship with me, and you are not to make me speak. I understand feeling hurt by being ghosted. As I said, it is a form of rejection, and in many cases, it is a callous way of doing that. The ghostee may be left feeling abandoned if the ghoster had provided emotional support. The ghostee could also be slightly confused regarding future plans they had made with the person.

However, any argument that the one doing the ghosting is wrong in any form is one I strongly disagree with. If I ghost you, I've ended a relationship I did not want any longer. I am not your therapist, and I don't need to give you psychological closure regarding why I'm leaving your life.

I'd like to know your take on the matter, and whether you think it's moral and mature.

Ghosting and borderline personality disorder

The act of ghosting is HIGHLY associated with BPD. Such individuals are known for their unstable relationships and tend to place heavy blame on their targets, snap at them, and eventually view them as either pure evil or flawless angels. As such, they may ghost close friends and family members with ease for even the slightest infractions. Sometimes, they cut off all friends out of fear of abandonment, essentially erasing their entire social life. It is understood that they pathologically fear rejection and abandonment, so they choose to reject others first as a defense mechanism.

https://old.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/r8lcug/people_that_have_cut_everyone_off_hows_it_been

https://old.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/w30l61/i_feel_like_cutting_everyone_off_again_and

https://old.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/o2mqrj/i_just_cut_off_everyone_from_my_college

The BPD subreddit as a whole is pretty based if you're looking for an interesting subreddit. Alternatively (and sometimes concurrently), they'll obsess over one friend, their "best friend" or "favorite person", and if they lose that friend they will undergo a genuine life crisis.

This “black and white” view of the world extends to themselves, and they will oftentimes deem themselves to be wholly bad and unworthy with no shades of grey. This leads to self-harm and suicidal ideation. Broadly speaking, self-harm is almost exclusively a BDP thing, and if someone is seriously self-harming (not edgy teens), it can almost be certainly tracked back to BDP. It has been estimated that 65%-80% of people with BPD will resort to self-harm.

Non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) is a major concern in both clinical and non-clinical populations. It has been approximated that 65-80% of individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) engage in some form of NSSI. Despite such high co-morbidity, much remains unknown about the relationship between NSSI and BPD symptomatology.

https://bpded.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/2051-6673-1-14

No-contact in my life

I have had people go no-contact with me. I've also done the same to others. These situations affected me differently, but I don't think I am morally wrong in any instance, nor do I believe the no-contacters did anything bad. I think all examples illustrate that there is often no mystery behind why you're being ghosted or being no-contacted, even if it's "this neighbor is choosing isolation".

Here is a brief and highly incomplete list of cases of me going no-contact that I consider significant:

1. My university supervisor - when I dropped out of university, I did so ghosting style. I did not explain to my supervisor why I left. To do so would be to explain years of maltreatment, bullying, public humiliation, and tyranny. I don't know if the professor was affected by this and quite frankly I don't care. I don't have to give any words to explain why I did it. My silence explains everything: I have moved on and I no longer want you or your bureaucratic institution in my life. I feel so strongly about this, that I'm willing to throw away four years of PhD research.

2. S.H. - I've spoken about this woman a few times. She rejected me.

https://rdrama.net/post/224434/i-told-my-friend-i-have

She is a long-time friend, probably a decade, who I am ghosting after she rejected my romantic advances. I will admit that this is a case where my silence is somewhat ambiguous: I could be saying “I'm a butthurt incel” or “I don't think this friendship can continue while I have feelings”. I admit that words may have been better to use here.

Meowsommar - She is a known figure in the Groomercord community, and she's easily one of the people I got closest to. I considered her a best friend and spoke to her almost daily. Last year, I basically did a mass ghosting and cut contact with all my Groomercord contacts. She was one of them. I don't remember the specific reason I did the mass ghosting, I was probably having an emotional breakdown. Nonetheless, the communication was clear: I entirely erased Groomercord from my life, and I was willing to erase our friendship with it. I wish I could say something kinder but I promised to never lie. I'm a bad person who hadn't enough love to reciprocate the love that was shown to me.

Here's a brief and incomplete list of people who have no-contacted me:

1)Steam friend - I used to have a friend on Steam I occasionally played with. He was very kind to me, and we had fun playing Resident Evil 6 multiplayer together. He recently deleted me on Steam and Groomercord without warning. I could whine about being abandoned, but I know exactly why it happened. He had invited me to a Groomercord server he was running with some other friends. He liked me enough to give me the role with the highest privileges. I threw that back in his face by not participating at all in the Groomercord server because I just didn't care enough. I was a bad friend in that instance. The Groomercord server was important to him, and I didn't understand that.

2) My high school teacher -In high school my physical education teacher stopped talking to me in the 11th grade. For years, I was hurt by the incident, claiming it came out of the blue. At my current age, I can admit I know exactly why. During high school, I taught myself basic HTML and how to make websites. In the 11th grade I made a website that satired the school, and I wrote about how shitty our sports teams were. These were teams he coached. I can fully understand why he would be hurt by that to the point where he didn't want to speak to me and didn't owe me an explanation. I don't empathize with a grown adult who got salty over teen student drama, but I know exactly why I was ghosted.

Meowsommar - I consider this a beautiful case of reverse no-contacting. I've tried contacting her again but I never get a response. She has (had? I have no idea what goes on in the Groomercord dramasphere now) a server that contained her closest friends online. It was a small, intimate server containing people she trusted and sometimes shared quite personal information with. I'm pretty sure she's even posted pictures of herself if my memory serves me correctly. She often streamed movies in her server. Where I lived then I had horrible internet, and she was infinitely patient with me and accommodated my inconveniences. This was an act of patience and kindness she did not owe me at all. Her silence communicates more than an essay could. It is an explanation covering years of information. I understand why I was no-contacted.

It is interesting to note that never in my life has anyone ever gone the no-contact route that involved a worded explanation prior. I've never been spoken to, messaged, or given a letter.

I suspect this has to do with being an incel and I would presume those with relationships would have experienced someone telling them why they're not only breaking up but also going no-contact. Care to share these experiences?

Sarah Schulman - an alternative theory

In the above, I give my views and opinions regarding ghosting and going no-contact. In short, I consider them to be valid forms of communication, and I have no problem using them. I already attempted to debunk opposing views, but for the sake of fairness, I'd like to feature the work of a woman who believes the opposite of what I believe. Her name is Sarah Schulman and she believes that if there is conflict, it should be discussed. Ghosting, to her, is horrible behavior that encourages hurt and further conflict.

Sarah has been no-contacted. She describes being in a community where she was basically told to frick off. She emailed everyone trying to resolve the situation but was still told to frick off and finally not to contact them as well.

She wrote back: “Never contact us again.” The concept of mutuality was unbearable.

Sarah calls this kind of behavior shunning, but what she describes is essentially the same thing as going no-contact. She claims that ghosting is wrong because we prevent the other person from giving their side of the story. In this way, it is quite arrogant, as you only believe that you have the right to express your thoughts.

She also brings up how modern technology has allowed for more people to go no-contact. You can hide behind an app or email or social media and tell someone to frick off without seeing them in person. In this way, you can always imagine a monster on the other side of the screen, someone bad and who deserves nothing but your contempt.

Certain character types send criticizing, hurtful emails, with misconceptions and false information concluding with, “I consider this matter closed” or “Do not respond.” They may ignore clarifications or even block their email, or defriend or block them on Facebook or Twitter

On another occasion, I was one of five people who received letters from a colleague who told each of us that he no longer wanted to be in communication with us because we were “losers.” His concluding line was, “Do not contact me.”

Like Redditors, she considers going no-contact to be harassment. She acknowledges extreme cases, such as going no-contact with someone who killed a loved one. But even in these instances, she seems to argue that some form of verbal communication would be better.

I disagree with Sarah, I believe not speaking to the murderer is the best move and is the one that will lead to healing, not opening dialog with the murderer.

Shunning, an active form of harassment, is never useful in resolving problems; in most cases, it is petty and primarily a way to avoid adjustment of the self that is required for accountability. If it has no terms for resolution, it is simply a form of asserting supremacy and imposing punishment, and punishment, as we know, rarely does anything but produce more pain. Deciding not to speak to someone who murdered your mother makes sense. But so does deciding to speak to them, as a movement of victims for reconciliation makes clear.

Ultimately, her views can be summarized as such:

Shunning someone you know or loved or shared space with because there was a misunderstanding caused by email, or because they said something you don't want to face, is one of the centerpieces of injustice. Having reasonable and achievable terms for reconciliation is different.

That is one point I am willing to consider. When you ghost someone, you kill any chance of the other party explaining themselves or offering forms of reconciliation. If the ghostee feels guilt for their actions, they have no way of relieving this guilt. With no-contact, there are no chances of saying sorry.

Conclusion

What are your views on ghosting and going no-contact? Is it the road of the coward, a fool's way of communication, or a form of harassment as Sarah argues? Or, like me, do you think it is a valid form of communication that paradoxically speaks volumes?

I'm on benzos and ambian right now. I would like for my next post to be about dishonesty, but I get distracted easily so who knows.