LOVE

Why do people pay to go to amusement parks? Life is already enough of a rollercoaster. One day you're up, the next day you're hurtling toward the ground. Sometimes it's so dark that hope cannot exist. Other times, love expresses itself so strongly that it brings tears to your eyes.

Tell me, considering all the suffering in the world, the misery you will inevitably endure, and the existential horrors you will experience, do you believe that life is worth it? If so, why? I believe that life can be worth it. You can find something so meaningful that gives you the fortitude to not just live, but to desire to be the best within you.

A lot of bad things have happened to me in the last couple of years. It's left me a tattered man, and there are more miseries ahead. A family member I love has a terminal illness and there's nothing I can do to save them. This is a feeling of dread and drawn-out grief I can't describe and it makes my eyes wet just typing this sentence. My academia dream has been shattered and I am left trying to make the most of the broken pieces. I'm still fighting the dark fog, every single day, and it never relents.

But I've been feeling a little better in the last few weeks. There's a simple reason for that - love. I am desperately in love, and I cannot deny it, not to myself or anyone else. It's red-hot, overwhelming so, yet so smooth it spreads through my body like butter. It's an unstoppable force that hurts so good, and I can't get enough of it.

I've found myself embarking on a new direction in life, and I'd like to tell you about my experience.

BACKGROUND

I don't remember precisely when it all started. I'm currently 28, and the ordeal must have begun when I was 21 or 22, I think. I was in university and trying to find myself and understand my place in the world. During this tumultuous period, I stumbled upon the concept of asexuality and was immediately attracted to it. It seemed to describe me perfectly. I had very little interest (if any) in women, and I much preferred a solitary lifestyle.

I wanted to find out more about this identity so I did intense research and compiled endless notes. I went on YouTube and watched every video featuring David Jay. My reading eventually led me to AVEN - Asexuality Visibility and Education Network.

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Quick Notes From Holly!

AVEN was founded by David Jay in 2001. The site serves as a hub for asexuals to learn about their identity, as well as to provide useful resources such as educational pamphlets and activism opportunities.

For a long time, David Jay has been the “face” of asexuality. This is often discussed in asexual communities online, and most agree that he's useful because he's somewhat attractive which dispels the notion that all asexuals just can't get laid.

Currently, he is part of some kind of polycule(?) with two other people. I don't entirely understand it, but that's okay.

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On AVEN's forum, I decided to make a post to see if anyone near me was around. To my surprise, there was! Her name was S.H. and from the first message, we instantly clicked.

Following that, we messaged each other often and frequently. We quickly realized we had so much in common, and though our personalities were different, we complemented each other in the best ways.

S.H. is an extrovert, though she is neurodivergent. She's very sweet, and she's very good at offering a comforting shoulder if you're upset. Her hobbies include gardening, old cars, make-up, and playing Minecraft. What does she look like? Well, she's blonde, but she's got her hair dyed black currently. She has a cheeky smile and squinty eyes, and she's relatively short. So beautiful! Ah, thinking about her is very nice. Brings me peace.

Our friendship has lasted for years, and we have grown tighter and tighter. We both are very emotionally sensitive, so we know how to speak gently to each other. We understand when one of us is upset about something that most people would consider minor. She gets what it's like to be completely overwhelmed by emotions.

We've been there for each other through some tough times. I supported her when she experienced intense grief, and she was there for me when I was feeling suicidal. Needless to say, this is the closest I've ever been to any human that isn't family.

CATCHING FEELINGS

This year, something shifted. I'd always been fond of S.H. of course. But in 2023, I just couldn't keep her off my mind. Her voice makes my heart flutter and her smile has my stomach doing gymnastics. I find myself whispering her name during idle moments, and at odd times during the day, the following thought pops into my head: “I wonder what S.H. is doing?”

She moves like poetry and is as righteous as truth itself. When I look into her eyes, I know from the bottom of my core that I'd leap into the most bombarded battlefields if a soldier is what she needed. I'd walk on beanstalk-tall stilts if she wanted a giant, and for her love, I'd sacrifice limbs and loot. She makes me a better person.

I'm filled with a feeling so pure it burns all resentment away. No more am I haunted by the ghosts of past calamities - in her light, badness is banished. I need her desperately, I adore her sincerely, and the craving is incessant. Love. Affection. Hope.

Two pink roses sit atop mighty mountains, the valley between leading down to snowy plains of bliss. When the sun rises, the mountains blush pink, and tranquility soothes the spirit. Morning dew moistens a crevice, the flame of Prometheus within. Drink the fires, and you will taste the divine feminine.

This is love, and it's the most powerful force I've encountered in the universe. It has wrapped around my heart like the devil's snare and the more I struggle tighter it grips. My fingertips tingle, my legs weaken, I'm out of breath - what a beautiful death!

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Quick Notes From Holly!

Studies have shown that when we are in love, our brain releases abnormally large amounts of dopamine, a chemical that activates the feel-good centers of the brain. Most specifically, it targets the ventral tegmental area - also known as the reward neural network - which is a primitive part of the brain.

Other parts of the brain associated with the reward neural network include the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex. The reward neural network is also triggered by drugs, so it's not entirely figurative when people say that “love is a drug”.

In many ways, being in love is no different from being completely fricked up on drugs. Think about it - I'm sure we've all seen someone make completely irrational choices when in love, much like a drunk person.

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Ever been zapped by love? It's like a bolt of electricity and you can physically feel it coursing through your body. Love isn't an abstract idea, you can viscerally feel it moving through you, splashing all over your mind and drenching your faculties of reason. It's as real as a breeze is real, and believe me, it can crash over you with the intensity of a Jupiterian hurricane.

You probably know how this story goes already. It was all fuzzy feelings at first, but the emotions intensified until they reached a point where the friendship was pure agony. The idea that she might only be platonically interested caused me excruciating suffering. I would not wish this kind of abstract torment upon anyone. It rips you up entirely from within, and not even Alan Wake and his trusty flashlight will get you out of that dark place.

CAUGHT IN A LOOP

I'm in love with S.H. It is undeniable. She sets me free. When she doesn't respond to my messages quickly, I get depressed. Heart emojis from her fill my stomach with swirling tingles. New age techno-facilitated love.

The pleasure is accompanied by misery. You see, my desires aren't platonic - they are romantic, and deeply so. To remain friends with her would disintegrate my spirit over time, leaving me a defeated, bitter husk of a man. However, to reveal the true nature of my emotions could end the friendship entirely - I would then be lonelier than ever.

What is a man to do? This pathetic pining can't continue indefinitely. I can't live this way. NOBODY can live this way. It is the paved road to madness.

UNDERSTANDING DESIRES

So what are desires? Broadly speaking, our desires are a representation of what we believe the world should be like. They reflect our ideals, cravings, and beliefs. Many of our desires are conscious ones. We know they exist even if we do not understand them fully. For instance, I know I desire to be taller. This is a conscious desire, though I accept it cannot be met.

There also exist unconscious desires. As you might guess, we aren't aware of these desires, but they affect us nonetheless. Sometimes, these desires remain hidden because we choose to repress them. Other times, we lack the self-understanding to come to terms with the nature of our desires.

Naturally, the next question to ask is why we would deny desires. Acquiring desires makes us happy, so acknowledging desires would be the first step toward fulfillment. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon to have desires that conflict with societal norms. As you grow up, you are molded by parents, family, friends, and wider society until you're well aware of the social rules and expectations placed upon you.

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Quick Notes From Holly!

Why do we care so much about society's rules? Sigmund Freud may have an answer. He divides the psyche into three apparatus consisting of the Id, Ego, and Superego. Let's briefly discuss the Superego.

According to Freud, it is the youngest psychic apparatus. It is driven by a desire to reach a hypothetical state of narcissistic perfection. The idea of this hypothetical state is formed through the internalization of the ideals and prohibitions of the individual's parents and society.

The Superego can manifest as a crippling sense of guilt and reproach of the conscious, or as a motivation to act in a way that is considered morally right. However, though the Superego can overwhelm the Ego, the Ego is tasked with tempering the worst tendencies of the Superego just as it does with the powerful Id.

Freud also suggests that the morally judging, all-knowing deity figures that play central roles in so many religions may be projections and personifications of the Superego.

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You know what you're supposed to desire. If you're lucky, the desires you're supposed to have will align with the desires you genuinely hold. This isn't always the case, which is a source of great pain and tragedy. For instance, sometimes our desires involve a taboo like drug use. Other times, they go against the central morals of our community. Homosexuals in conservative towns often experience this. Sometimes, the source of conflict comes from lessons we've absorbed over the years whether it be through peers or the media.

A YOUNG MAN'S DESIRES

For many men in my age range (I'm 28), we have probably been thoroughly exposed to feminism. The theory is enlightening, and it does an adequate job of explaining some of the oppression women have endured historically (and during the modern day). A theory in and of itself has a net zero moral value. It is how the theory is wielded that determines its virtuousness.

In the case of feminism, it has been used to empower women, uplift the feminine spirit, and stand as a bulwark against gender-based violence. When it is used clumsily, it can be very destructive. Most notably, this occurs when it slowly and insidiously villainizes male sexuality. Nobody ever says “male sexuality is bad”. No. It's far more subtle than that. The narrative comes to you in bits and pieces. A “men are trash” here, a “guys only want one thing” there, and soon you have the whole picture, and no singular person can be blamed for this.

The concept of expressing romantic or sexual desires is terrifying enough as it stands. Women are scary as frick. They're mean, judgmental, and very, very, very likely to reject you. Women remember everything you say, and they can castigate you with a look alone. They're intimidating, and their beauty can be debilitating. A no from a woman can feel as devastating as a punch from Brock Lesner. Women! Women? Women.

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Quick Notes From Holly!

If you're ugly, you'll be mistreated by women and they will not be attracted to you regardless of your character. Researchers at Eastern Connecticut State University looked at the mate preferences. Research on female mate choices at Eastern Connecticut State University proved this. I'll let the experts speak for themselves:

The women were then asked to assess how attractive they found each man photographed, along with whether they found the man suitable to date, either themselves or for their daughters.

Simply put, men viewed as unattractive were not viewed as potential suitors, no matter the level of other redeeming qualities that accompanied their photos. Those with favorable personality traits that were ranked highly were at least moderately attractive.

“We conclude that a minimum level of physical attractiveness is a necessity for both women and their mothers,” says lead researcher Madeleine Fugère in a journal news release.

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40806-017-0092-x

https://studyfinds.org/unattractive-men-dating-material-study

If you're ugly, there's no use BIDEN your time because it's JOEVER and it always has been.

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Things become infinitely more complicated when SHAME is thrown into the mix. When you become so ashamed of your own sexuality that you deny it. Once you're caught in this trap, you start identifying as asexual, and you close off all opportunities for you to form normal human relationships with the opposite gender (opposite, because gender is binary).

It's so difficult to break those walls once they've been erected. But it has to happen - the unfettered truth is mightier than the most malicious mendacity. You cannot be asexual if you are not asexual even if you believe you are asexual or wish you were asexual. It's as simple as that.

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Quick Notes From Holly!

It must be clear at this point that we're dealing with a case of sexual repression. So how does repression occur? Time to consult Freud again!

Freud divides the human psyche into three levels, namely the unconscious, the preconscious, and the conscious. The unconscious consists of repressed material that is kept out of the awareness of the conscious level of the psyche because it is too unpleasant to deal with. The preconscious precedes the conscious and while thoughts in the preconscious are not part of one's awareness, they are capable of coming into the conscious.

Freud hypothesizes that repression occurs as a consequence of the tendency of humans to prefer pleasure over pain. As he explains, the Ego is “trying to avoid the ‘pain' that would be aroused by the release of the repressed material.”

This makes sense, at least on the surface. If you know you're a pathetic person, you might repress that, because it is terrible to know. Instead, you'll tell yourself that others hate you because you're ugly.

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When you're an incel, it's like you're drowning in the ocean and asexuality is like a lifeboat that's anchored. You climb onto the boat and for a while you're safe, but you'll never get back to shore on this boat. It's anchored! You need to dive back into the incel waters and take the terrible swim to shore if you want any shot at happiness. I still crave that boat. It feels safe and secure. But I know it's not doing me any good in the long run.

The brutal lesson to learn: It's okay to be attracted to women. You're not a bad person for desiring women. Not even lusting for women makes you a bad person! It is not a #metoo to express your feelings of attraction to a woman. She can put on her big girl panties and tell you if she likes you or not. Her psyche won't be shattered at the mere suggestion of male sexuality. In fact, she craves peepee! In much the same way that you desire her, she desires others!

It's so obvious and yet I was fooled into believing otherwise. My beliefs previously were as such: “women begrudgingly accept s*x from men and penetration is violence”. Oh dear, what damage a few pernicious ideas can do! In much the same way we vaccinate ourselves against viral illnesses, we must protect our minds from pathogenic ideologies.

The other harm feminism brings about is that it insists that there is an adversarial relationship between men and women. While it is true that conflict arises between the genders, this is not an accurate way to characterize the intergender interactions we enjoy in daily life. Humans are social animals - we evolved to cooperate, not be incompatible with half of our species.

Men and women very naturally come together and take on different roles to complement each other. This isn't patriarchy (although it sometimes is), it is COOPERATION. Relinquish the fallacy at once! Men and women are not at war and we never have been!

DESIRES AND SHAME

With that out of the way, we can return to the issue of desires. What desires am I dealing with now? This is probably one of the hardest questions I've had to ask myself in my entire life. It required me to break myself down entirely and completely just to see what remained, if anything. That putrid, pathetic remainder - that's the real me.

Coming to grips with my desires was a journey of accepting that I am a sexual being with lustful desires. I had to accept that I am not complete on my own and that I am in fact dependent on the love and acceptance of others. I'm weak. I can't stand on my own. I need help to get through life.

So here are some of my desires regarding S.H.:

Romantic desire - I want her as my romantic partner. I desire her company as I go through the journey of life. I want to see how her life turns out, and I want her to watch me grow and improve.

Sexual desire - I think she is beautiful. Her voice sends shivers down my spine. I'm obsessed with her smile, it's like a powerful magic spell that has me blissfully dizzy. I want to touch her, hold her, and know her in a Biblical sense.

Are there any other desires? I don't know yet. I'm trying my best to make sense of a situation that is entirely novel to me. Another question - what would my life look like if these desires were met? I imagine happy and fulfilled. The feeling of acceptance would rescue my broken soul and torn heart.

RISK, REWARD, AND REJECTION

Hopefully, you understand why I concluded that I had no choice but to reveal my feelings to S.H. It wasn't just about my attraction to her at this point. It was about growing as a person, learning to own who I truly am, and acknowledging my desires.

The confession was also necessary because I was feeling intense fear, and I don't want to be ruled by fear. If I can't express my feelings, how am I going to do anything in life?! I need a few memories that prove to me that I am capable of being brave and speaking the truth when it matters most.

And speaking of truth, that was yet another reason I needed to tell S.H. about my attraction to her. She was under the impression that I loved her platonically. This is not true. By not informing her of my true feelings, I was lying by omission, allowing her to continue to believe a false reality when I knew otherwise. What kind of person lies to their friends? Nay, I had to speak the truth. Do you agree?

So what went through my mind as I prepared for the moment I'd tell her what was going on in my heart? Well, I had to consider two questions deeply:

• Is it rational to believe that she may like me back?

• What are the possible outcomes of the confession of my feelings?

IS IT RATIONAL TO BELIEVE THAT SHE MAY LIKE ME BACK?

In many ways, I'm the worst person to answer this question. As research reveals, men tend to overestimate how attracted women are to them. In contrast, women tend to underestimate how attracted men are to them. I'm sure you can already see how this is a recipe for disaster.

So right off the bat, I can conclude that if I think she even vaguely likes me, the reality is that she likes me less than that. So have I gotten any indications that she likes me? You be the judge:

• We've been friends for years and she's stayed by my side through thick and thin

• She constantly sends me heart emojis

• She always says she likes hearing my voice

• She speaks about me to her family

• When I mention what music I like, she shows an interest in the same music

• She sends me pictures of herself

• We can talk for ages and share anything

Here are some reasons I think she only views me platonically:

• She told me she loves me platonically

• She calls me “friend” and “buddy”

• She says she isn't interested in relationships

• She says she hates it when her male friends try to date her

• I'm a 5 foot 1 ugly black male and she is a beautiful, blonde, busty young woman

• I'm lower middle class (if that) poorcel

There are also these ambiguous signs:

• Sometimes she identifies as asexual, sometimes she says she doesn't care about that label anymore

• Normally, she's chatty but she will sometimes not contact me for weeks, leaving me heartbroken

• Every time we speak, she reveals intimate details about herself including past traumatic experiences and her health (I don't know if this is a sign of attraction or platonic familiarity)

• Even though she always says “much love” and “all my love” to me, she never says “I love you”

• Despite my ugliness, she has asked for pictures of me

My calculations suggest that I have a 90%+ chance of being rejected. What do you think? Read to the end to see if you were right! Also, read the first letter of every point of that last list.

WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES OF THE CONFESSION OF MY FEELINGS?

Well, it could go two ways - she either feels the same way or she doesn't. So let's explore the options:

a) She rejects me

This is the worst option. A lot of bad things will happen. She will probably tell her family and therapist that her male friend hit on her, and they'll all think I'm a pervert and scumbag who was faking friendship and asexuality to get in her pants. Would they be wrong?

She may also believe that any male who tries to be her friend just wants to have s*x with her. This is true, so it may not be a bad thing for her to learn this lesson.

It would likely ruin the friendship because she would be constantly second-guessing everything in the past and wondering whether I was doing things with an ulterior motive.

She may even be mad at me - “Sneedman, I told you I'm asexual and you still pull this crap?! You don't care about my boundaries!”

I would also have to deal with the heartbreak of unrequited love. Brutal beyond measure.

She reciprocates

I have a chance with a woman I truly love. It would mark a new chapter in my life, the post-incel era. All the painful social moments in my past, I'd leave them behind and only look toward her light for guidance.

I may even get married, which would make my parents proud. My parents could expect grandchildren, and my family's patriarchal lineage won't end with me as it is currently on track to do. I would get to be a normie, blending in with the rest of society where people experience love, relationships, and connections.

It would also be a big boon to my self-esteem, and I would feel worthier and happier than ever. Yes, it would be the cherry on top and I would never forget the day she said yes to my love.

ACTIONS VS OUTCOMES

Which path I took determined whether I was outcome-based or action-based. An outcome-based person first thinks of a goal, and then does what they think must be done to achieve that outcome. An example - “I want to have s*x with Simon. He likes coffee. I'll say I like coffee so Simon will like me and have s*x with me.” In this scenario, you don't like coffee, but to achieve your desired outcome, you pretend you do. An action-based person instead thinks “what is the moral choice?” In all situations, you speak the truth regardless of consequences.

To keep quiet would be an outcome-based move because I'm scared of the consequences of my actions. To tell S.H. how I feel would be action-based because I'd be focusing on being honest rather than making S.H. like me.

WHAT TO SAY AND HOW

I did some research, asked ChatGPT for advice, and read a few Reddit threads. The general consensus is that you're almost guaranteed to fail in such a situation, but it is still wise for you to reveal your feelings, as it'll give you closure.

The first plan was to write a letter to her. I crafted several drafts, but nothing ever felt right, the words didn't come with the ferocity I required. I needed TOP LEVEL RIZZ for this to be a success, but I couldn't decide what words to pen.

Ultimately, I realized a letter would never feel right because it's too impersonal. Furthermore, if she rejects me, she will forever have proof of the humiliating thing I did. She might even show it to others! I'd be the latest scuttlebutt topic, and that would upset me. I may be a 5 foot 1 incel but I still want my dignity!

Consequently, I decided to just speak. I would open my mouth and talk to her, then wait for her to respond. My intention was to speak with honesty and passion, but every time I imagined myself doing it, my muscles would tense up, my skin would go cold, and my heart would thump wildly, too wild, much too wild, insanely wild. Very wild.

I came up with a solution - alcohol! If I got drunk, I would grow confident, then confessing my feelings would not be difficult at all. The idea possessed me, and for a while, I was certain I'd do it. However, I ended up shunning alcohol. Firstly, I get hangovers very easily. Secondly, I wanted to test my resolve. Thus, it was decided that I would do the deed sober.

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Quick Notes From Holly!

Have you ever been prescribed benzodiazepines? I have - twice! If you take a lot and just sit down to do something, you'll feel perfectly fine. A mellow happiness will wash over you, but you'll still feel entirely sober. Stand up, and you'll realize you cannot walk straight and are indistinguishable from someone who is piss drunk.

You can't aim your hands, your words slur, you blink and you realize you've just sent ten texts and you don't remember any of them. But it feels so darn good. It's not an obnoxious kind of pleasure like MDMA, it's subtle and smooth - it feels like the absence of pain more than the production of happiness. All is right with the world.

The weed and Benzo combination is blissful.

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Life is so crazy that you can learn lessons from anywhere. This time around, I learned a little something from Payton Gendron, the Buffalo supermarket shooter. In the video of his attack, you get to witness him drive to the location. He is exceedingly nervous, even missing a turn, but he continues on his path. He eventually arrives at the shop and he is afraid but he builds his resolve and says “I'm doing it.”

I did something similar when speaking to S.H. I felt immense fear but inside I just told myself “I'm doing it, I'm doing it.” And I fricking did it. Rambled for like 5 minutes about how I felt when it started and why I like her so much. I told her my fears and how I hope she doesn't hate me for doing this. At the end, I told her it's okay if she doesn't like me back or if she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

It was awkward, clumsy, pathetic, and self-deprecating. I kissed her butt (figuratively) and revealed my low self-esteem.

What do you think she said?

S.H.'s REPLY

LESSONS TO LEARN

What can be learned from this ordeal?

1. Don't keep feelings bottled up

If you have feelings for someone, just let them know as soon as possible. Don't let those feelings build up, or else you're going to be in for a world of hurt.

2. Have faith in yourself

When you have low self-esteem, you'll settle for the worst. This makes your life worse, which in turn lowers your self-esteem. It's a vicious trap. You are worthy of love, and you are valid just the way you are. You don't have to darn yourself to a life of loneliness just because of a few bad experiences.

3. Beware of reverse prejudices

You know, anti-white racism, misandry. They exist and they're just as harmful, though they aren't acknowledged. So many men have been utterly psychologically destroyed by misandry and find themselves unable to form relationships with women because they believe their sexuality is wrong and any expression of their sexual desires instantly makes them Harvey Weinstein.

4. Accept being a truecel

In every species in the world there is a percentage will never reproduce or pair bond or find love. Humans are no different. It's okay, it doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you have to find a way to accept being a truecel and discover alternative forms of happiness. Some people are born diabetic, some without limbs, and some without the ability to attract a partner. This is your cross to bear. Do it with as much dignity as you can muster.

I wish society would stop making up dumb theories to make incels feel better - "it's your personality! Just keep trying! Don't give up!" None of that is true. As I demonstrated above, some people are incapable of being attractive or finding love. Can we just accept this instead of continually gaslamping 5 foot 1 men into thinking they remote have a chance? I've lived this life for 28 years. It would be foolish for me to not learn from my past experiences and they all tell me that I inspire hatred and disgust.

CONCLUSIONS

They say every story ends in either death or a wedding. A rare few end with both. How will your story conclude?

I struggle with the concept of free will and fate. So often I find myself struggling to achieve certain goals only to be thwarted at every turn. However, I'll find great success in a different aspect of life that I wasn't even focused on. It feels like the railroad tracks of my life were set eons ago, and I have no choice but to careen down this predetermined path.

When it's all said and done, I hope the author of my life envisions a happy ending for me because the beginning and middle parts haven't been too great. Surprisingly, I feel hopeful. I don't think I'll ever fulfill all my desires, but somehow that's okay. I'll survive.

I hope you enjoyed this article. It was an emotionally intense journey.