EFFORTPOST Entire Zulu tribe vs Entire Hutu tribe - who wins?

So if you've been on the internet, you're used to those challenges that ask who would win between two animals e.g. bear vs lion, alligator vs polar bear. There's tons of YouTube channels dedicated to that shit. Today, I'd like to ask a different question - who would win in an all-out battle between the Hutus of Rwanda and the Zulus of South Africa. Let's take a look at their basic stats.

Hutus and the World's Greatest Manlet Uprising

My aim here isn't to provide a history lesson on the Rwandan genocide, but just to give an overview of the Hutus and what they're capable of. There had been tension between the Hutu and Tutsi tribes in Rwanda since colonial times. The colonisers saw the Tutsis as superior because they were taller and had slender noses unlike the shorter Hutus. Once Rwanda gained independence, many people and parties vied for power, but the Hutus won out, as they had greater numbers, and many Tutsis were driven out of the country. During this time of Hutu rule, Hutus were taught to hate Tutsis and see them as extremists and traitors.

In 1994, a plane carrying President Habyarimana and Burundi's President Cyprien Ntaryamira, was shot down, and the Tutsis were blamed for the attack. Almost immediately, the message was sent out to "cut the tall trees". This was a call for Hutus all over the country to begin slaughtering Tutsis. Over a hundred days, 800,000 Tutsi were subjected to r*pe and murder. It was a bloodbath, and everyone participated in it, including ordinary Hutus who had been led to believe Tutsis are the enemy.

Hutus had firearms, but ordinary citizens made use of machetes to kill Tutsis, and they killed their own co-workers neighbors, and local business owners. By the end of it over 40% of the population had been killed or had fled. This should serve as a stern warning - don't frick with manlets. When we rise up, we do so with much ferocity.

Zulus - Africa's Most Successful Tribe?

So this is the tribe I belong to. I've never taken a DNA test but my entire family is Zulu. The Zulu have a reputation for being fierce warriors and they've participated in more than a few genocides in addition to indulging in a bit of slavery. Zulu culture is very militaristic, and being a warrior is synonymous with being a man (Ndoda). When I turned 21, I was gifted a spear and animal-skin shield from my father as a sign that I had entered manhood.

Under the leadership of Shaka Zulu, the tribe expanded its territory. This period is known as the "Mfecane" and it is estimated that up to 2 million people were killed by Zulus. The tribe is also greatly respected by the British and the Zulu royalty famously has a close relationship with British royalty. This is in part because the Zulus are about the only African tribe that have ever beaten the British in a battle, specifically the Battle of Isandlwana in which the British were defeated by Zulus with inferior weaponry. It should be noted that while the Zulus won the battle, the British did win the Anglo-Zulu War.

Today, there are about 12 million Zulus with most of them concentrated in KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa.

Setting up the battleground

So, we want to make things a fair match-up between the two tribes. So let's imagine that the different tribes are unified (all 12 million Zulus working together, and all 11 million Hutus are working together). They are armed with their traditional weapons i.e. Hutus have their machetes and Zulus have their spears and shields.

Since the Zulus have 1 million more people, I'll give the Hutus an advantage and say that the battle takes place on their homeground - Rwanda. The Zulus have come around to seize territory and it is up to the Hutus to defend their country and their tribe.

Neither group may ask for outside help, and the West/UN cannot interfere.

A few things to consider

Hutus have a few advantages. They are on home ground, so they know the lay of the land. Secondly, the Rwandan genocide demonstrated that the Hutus are capable of swift and decisive genocide in a short period of time and can be ruthless. However, there are some disadvantages. While they can work in unison, they haven't demonstrated the kind of organised military that the Zulus have demonstrated they are capable of. Secondly, though Zulus won't be on home ground, this isn't something new and they are used to claiming uncharted territory. The Hutus, using machetes, have to get up close to murder while the Zulus can fling spears. However, throwing a spear makes it a single-use weapon, whereas a machete can be used to kill multiple people.

Personal thoughts

I'm betting my money on the Zulus. Don't get me wrong, I think it would be an epic battle and no side would get away without mass casualties. Additionally, I think the Hutus as a whole are more ruthless and violent, and they're more willing to use obscene methods of torture such as r*pe and cannibalism. However, I believe a well-organized Zulu army is going to trounce most African tribes, as it has in the past.