EFFORTPOST How to do Coffee Right

Dirt

If you buy ground coffee, Congratulations!!!! You are buying dirt!!!!!

Don't buy pre ground coffee ever. Coffee grounds go stale within hours after being ground. When you buy coffee grounds from the store, the coffee is already stale and has been for probably multiple weeks already.

Seriously, that shit is stale before it even reaches the stores shelf.

Bugs

Coffee beans are a little better, not as stale as ground coffee but there are other worries.

Quality control is terrible, with the amount of contaminants very high for coffee beans.

The FDA limits contamination at 10% of the total coffee beans count are insect-infested or insect-damaged.

So yeah, ignore my advice, and keep eating the bugs like a good little NPC.

The other issue is how old the coffee beans are will heavily affect taste quality. Too fresh, and the taste will be too bland, to old and the beans will go stale. Expiration dates aren't accurate methods of determining roast date, so honedtly you are spinning a wheel whenever you buy.

How to Do Coffee Right

The only acceptable form of coffee making is the use of GREEN COFFEE BEANS. Green Coffee Beans go stale as well, but if kept in an airtight container will be good for a good 3-6 months.

Then you roast as much a you need for a week period. There is an art to coffee roasting which I am not going to explain but YOU WILL NEED TO RESEARCH. Also don't start a fire by cooking them too long lol. After roasting, you should put the coffee grounds in airtight container and wait generally between 2 days to 2 weeks lafter roasting. This highly depends on roast and what type of taste you prefer. So play around with it a bit. I personally prefer waiting a shorter amount of time, around 3-4 days.

The before you make your coffee you grind the amount of beans you need for the amount you will drink (obviously). Don't grind all at once. This ensures coffee grounds are fresh for each cup of joe.

Machine and Method

Espresso machines are best (if you can find a good one which is hard). You want to get an all metal inside one though, which honedtly can be difficult to find and expensive. Like $2000 expensive. There are ones with plastic internals that pull amazing shots but you should obviously not do that unless u like consuming microplastics. The espresso machine imaged above is really good, great workhorse, finicky, but a classic. Rancillio Silvia, is its model. This is one of the few espresso machines I still have, since I adore it, but its plastic water reserviir so I would recommend no. Just let me be nostalgic though about pulling a better shot thab you have ever tasted on a $400 machine.

This one is all metal, but obviously, doesm't have as much capabilities:

Europiccola 8, cost around $600-1000 depending on if you know how to find used stuff.

Europiccola is the other espresso machine I currently own and is good. If you are on a microplastic free diet but still like machine precise espresso, this would be good pick up.

Pulling a good shot cna be difficult. Measure out grounds and learn the right pressure ti press the grounds into the thingy (cant remember name).

Depending on machine you might want to learn how to temperature surf. This might be outdated, since newer models might just be better at getting right temp. I had Rancillio I can't remember model, but it was like a classic. Plastic internals, but pulled amazing shots. Had to temperature surf though to get it right.

Crema

Crema is the easiest test to figure out if you pulled a good shot. Crema is layer of golden brown foam on top of the black espresso, that forms NATURALLY.

More Crema = More Swag.

Less Crema = More Strag.

No Crema = You have not only failed at making espresso, but you are also probably r-slurred.

Note on Cappuccino

If you add sugar or anything else to a Cappuccino besides frothed milk and espresso then exit my post immediately. You are a cute twink who I will slam head first into a brick wall.

Cappuccino is amazing. You need a steam wand, bezt ones come attachrd to Cappuccino/espresso machine. Don't use one of those terrible handheld frothers.

You want the container you put the milk into, to be solid metam and it should be in freezer before hand, so its icy cold. Pour milk into container froth, starting at botton then rising to top to create the froth.

Top: Froth

Bottom: Steamed Milk.

You want about 50% froth and 50% steamed milk by volume.

Then you tilt espresso cup slightly like 45° with espresso already made JUST BEFORE!!!! and you pour in while tilting espresso cup back to facing up.

Cappuccino Art

Cappuccino art is created with how you pour the frothed/steamed milk into te espresso.

Using a stencil, using some sort of cinammon, or whatever isn't acceptable.

Cappuccino art is ONLY achieved through the pour, using additional instruments or methods is not only cheating but also is the equivalent of sucking a peepee.

If you see some fancy desig with a logo or whatever on Cappuccino art, then that person kust used some stencil thing and I give you permission to beat them bloody.

i am not amazing at Cappuccino art, but I am much better than you will ever be. I am not going to share my secrets either. Continue to next section.

Not Espresso

Nowadays I don't even bother and only make Pourover or Mocha Pot for Espresso (rare). Too many iszues finding an all metal espresso machine under 2k so it is what it is. That being said you can pull great shots with Mocha Pot, like Italians do all the time. You just have to he an OG artist not a scientist. You knowimsayingneighbor.

Pour over is an art as well, don't listen to the cute twinks talking about temperature with therm and measuring out yada yada yah. Its an art. You use your intuition. You won't make good coffee this way if you are a nerd.

Speaking of which.

Coffee isn't for Nerds

If you want to measure out evrrything and tempetature whatever, die. That isn't coffee. Italians (the inventors if coffee), pretty much just grab the beans roast them in the oven and grind with simple grinder amd use Mocha Pots. They pull better shots than 99% of coffee shops in America.

Nerds require fancy equipment. If you are an artist, you will require less and less fancy equipment until you can pull a great shot with a handful of green coffee beans, a handgrinder, and a stove.

Alternative to Roasting

You can buy from Coffee Roaster directly and they usually (should) in most cases roast the coffee well and deliver freshly roasted coffee.

I will be honest, this is gay. Straight men don't let other men roast their beans. So if you are gay, this might be good option. If not, stick to roasting yourself.

What Coffee Roaster to Use

While you can roast Green Coffee Beans in the oven, you absolutely shouldn't for many reasons I am not going to get into here.

What you need is a good coffee roaster. These can be expensive, bunch of different types and I don't feel like explaining. Do your own research idiot. Expect to pay at least $200 for a good one though. I have a decent drum roller type one that cost like $300, but there are even better types of coffee roasters some being $600 ones all the way up to like $20,000. Obviously thise ones that aren't drum rollers, can't remember what they are called, but they are OG as shit. You probably don't need one of those though.

Look here for Drum Rollers (my preference):

https://www.sweetmarias.com/roasting/drum-roasters.html

There are other types of coffee roasters, but yeah.

Grinder

Probably most important after roaster. Get the best one you can afford, or learn how to hand grind like a true Italian. Probably cost around 400+ for a decent one.

i have a $500 (?) roaster, pictured above. That model is outdated, but I recommend since its served me well for past 10 years and alnost as good as the Italian hands grinds.

Italy

Most importantly, to make good coffee you will need to go to Italy. If you haven't been to Italy, Congratulations!!!! Your coffee is almost guranteed to be shit.

Putting this one last, since I know this is the biggest barrier to entry and want people to read through thinking they are gonna make some good joe, then realize they can't visit Italy so they juzt wasted their entire time reading a straggy article abiut coffee making.

Import Info on Italy

When I refer to Italy, I am referring to Southern Italy.

"Northern Italy" isn't Italy, its basically Brussells + France + Amsterdam if they were black. North "Italians" can't make Coffee.