@JimieWhales's comment on 'r/writers discusses a 60k word gay Gilmore Girls fanfiction about 9/11 written by a 14 year old'

https://old.reddit.com/r/writers/comments/1i5y4ty/i_14_finished_writing_my_first_book/

I (14) finished writing my first book!

I know age shouldn't be an excuse for bad writing and I kinda rushed the end of my book, but I put all my heart and feeling into writing this book. I hope you enjoy reading it.

(PS: this is a pen name)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wyfzJTYu7ER34xCSLjETM1YCgBYCm-AvVsCQjuxVsk4/edit

Here comes the critique:

You posted this, so I assume you want feedback.

Your opening few paragraphs do a good job of setting the stage, but there are a few places where the prose could be cleaned up. For example, you mention Starry Hallow I think three times right off the bat.

The year is 2001, when being gay isn't really normally accepted

Try to watch out for unnecessary filler words really normally. We all use them, but they drag the narrative, especially where you can use this opportunity to attach an emotional value to the sentence.

The year is 2001, and being gay sucks.

:tayclap: :tayclap2: The grown adults on Reddit, when given a chance to critique the writing of a literal child, somehow make it worse

Not that there's not anything to critique, check out the opening line:

I looked out at my window from the bus to Stars Hollow, Connecticut, and then checked my watch. The time was 1:45 p.m., but I really didn't know what time it was because my clock hadn't adjusted to the time zone yet. It's about an hour until I reach Stars Hollow.

"The time was 13:45:32 on the dot, but actually I didn't know what time it was because my (analog) watch hadn't adjusted to the time zone yet"

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JimieWhales she/bitch An educated, strictly organic, ortho molecular aware patriotic princess. 12d ago #7691611

Since there was a terrorist attack announced today, it was mandatory to close all schools if this happened.

I was in a tornado-like state of mind as to why someone would do that, all of the emotions on that tornado were pessimistic. I was angry at the people who could do such a thing, and I was worried for anyone who was involved in the incident. This was such an unfortunate day for America.

:#speechbubble:

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SaveUsLankyKong Baloon/kong Inflates to escape the feds :lankykongflatsphericalrotation:

JimieWhales 12d ago #7691634

To be fair, he/she wasnt even alive when 9/11 happened so not having a good grasp of what it was like is kinda understandable.

In 20 years we'll read a fanfic from a 14 year old about the janny 6ocaust

JimieWhales she/bitch An educated, strictly organic, ortho molecular aware patriotic princess. SaveUsLankyKong 12d ago #7691694

>I unsheathed my viking peepee and mounted the steps, prepared to mount lady liberty herself to save America by putting a baby in Mommy Trump - a new birth of freedom, conceived right here in the capitol of the ancien régime.

:marseyqoomertalking:

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JimieWhales 12d ago #7691843

:#capynut:

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KongsburyDonkboy rslur/fslur Biden didn't send a mob at the capitol to disrupt the peaceful transition of power SaveUsLankyKong 12d ago #7694122

The year was 2001. @PillsburyDoughboy think. The twin towers stood against the New York skyline as erect as @PillsburyDoughboy's peepee would be mere hours after the planes hit and @PillsburyDoughboy was let home from school early too masturbate furiously in @PillsburyDoughboy's bedroom too @PillsburyDoughboy's sisters latest Victoria Secret catalogue. @PillsburyDoughboy's parents in the living room, so wrapped up in the unfolding catastrophe, @PillsburyDoughboy knew they wouldn't come knocking at @PillsburyDoughboy's door. Tyra Banks in lingerie. Rap videos on MTV. @PillsburyDoughboy reclined into @PillsburyDoughboy's beanbag chair free from interruptions and intrusions, and embarked on a journey too explore @PillsburyDoughboy's developing body and burgeoning lust for black women… this is the 9-11 @PillsburyDoughboy will always remember

Trans lives matter

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Pog Pog/gers JimieWhales 12d ago #7691835

An unlucky day in america

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