@fuckingnerd's comment on 'r/writers discusses a 60k word gay Gilmore Girls fanfiction about 9/11 written by a 14 year old'

https://old.reddit.com/r/writers/comments/1i5y4ty/i_14_finished_writing_my_first_book/

I (14) finished writing my first book!

I know age shouldn't be an excuse for bad writing and I kinda rushed the end of my book, but I put all my heart and feeling into writing this book. I hope you enjoy reading it.

(PS: this is a pen name)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wyfzJTYu7ER34xCSLjETM1YCgBYCm-AvVsCQjuxVsk4/edit

Here comes the critique:

You posted this, so I assume you want feedback.

Your opening few paragraphs do a good job of setting the stage, but there are a few places where the prose could be cleaned up. For example, you mention Starry Hallow I think three times right off the bat.

The year is 2001, when being gay isn't really normally accepted

Try to watch out for unnecessary filler words really normally. We all use them, but they drag the narrative, especially where you can use this opportunity to attach an emotional value to the sentence.

The year is 2001, and being gay sucks.

:tayclap: :tayclap2: The grown adults on Reddit, when given a chance to critique the writing of a literal child, somehow make it worse

Not that there's not anything to critique, check out the opening line:

I looked out at my window from the bus to Stars Hollow, Connecticut, and then checked my watch. The time was 1:45 p.m., but I really didn't know what time it was because my clock hadn't adjusted to the time zone yet. It's about an hour until I reach Stars Hollow.

"The time was 13:45:32 on the dot, but actually I didn't know what time it was because my (analog) watch hadn't adjusted to the time zone yet"

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JimieWhales she/bitch An educated, strictly organic, ortho molecular aware patriotic princess. 12d ago #7691708

"Chocolate!" Jess replied, and while he started drinking the milkshake, I would also join in and drink from my respective straw. I felt the chocolate through my tongue rush into my veins, feeling the sugar help satisfy my hunger even more. I then smiled at myself because I can always love myself a chocolate addiction. After that, the drink was finished, but then, Jess then toppled me over and began kissing me.

It didn't feel like a regular kiss, though. It felt more chocolatey than others, and that's when I began to want to kiss him too because I would want to know more about chocolate kisses.

I pressed my chocolate-filled tongue onto Jess's tongue passionately. I hugged onto his waist and held it tighter the more it grew passionate. I gripped onto his butt, while he gripped onto my butt. When the chocolate flavor began to stop, we stopped making out in the car. I then got the car ready and we started driving.