@MarseyIsMyWaifu's comment on 'r/writers discusses a 60k word gay Gilmore Girls fanfiction about 9/11 written by a 14 year old'

https://old.reddit.com/r/writers/comments/1i5y4ty/i_14_finished_writing_my_first_book/

I (14) finished writing my first book!

I know age shouldn't be an excuse for bad writing and I kinda rushed the end of my book, but I put all my heart and feeling into writing this book. I hope you enjoy reading it.

(PS: this is a pen name)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wyfzJTYu7ER34xCSLjETM1YCgBYCm-AvVsCQjuxVsk4/edit

Here comes the critique:

You posted this, so I assume you want feedback.

Your opening few paragraphs do a good job of setting the stage, but there are a few places where the prose could be cleaned up. For example, you mention Starry Hallow I think three times right off the bat.

The year is 2001, when being gay isn't really normally accepted

Try to watch out for unnecessary filler words really normally. We all use them, but they drag the narrative, especially where you can use this opportunity to attach an emotional value to the sentence.

The year is 2001, and being gay sucks.

:tayclap: :tayclap2: The grown adults on Reddit, when given a chance to critique the writing of a literal child, somehow make it worse

Not that there's not anything to critique, check out the opening line:

I looked out at my window from the bus to Stars Hollow, Connecticut, and then checked my watch. The time was 1:45 p.m., but I really didn't know what time it was because my clock hadn't adjusted to the time zone yet. It's about an hour until I reach Stars Hollow.

"The time was 13:45:32 on the dot, but actually I didn't know what time it was because my (analog) watch hadn't adjusted to the time zone yet"

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JimieWhales she/bitch An educated, strictly organic, ortho molecular aware patriotic princess. 12d ago #7691502

Omg thank you for posting this!! I am going to read the whole thing

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MarseyIsMyWaifu he/they I'm Mimwee! :marseyfluffy:

JimieWhales 12d ago #7691507

Would you consider yourself more of a seme or a uke?

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JimieWhales she/bitch An educated, strictly organic, ortho molecular aware patriotic princess. MarseyIsMyWaifu 12d ago #7691510

I don't know what that means but I'm a Rory stan, even after she stole the boat.

21 Context

JimieWhales 12d ago #7691516

I'm gonna go ahead and say you're more of a uke. That's just the vibe I get from you

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sandkwinn rotting/mice :marseyhealthysoberstillretard:

death to zionazi scum :meow:

MarseyIsMyWaifu 12d ago #7691625

what about me :cute:

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sandkwinn 12d ago #7691738

You're such a uke you're being played by a fat butt Hawaiian neighbor

MarseyIsMyWaifu 12d ago #7691812

is that good :marseysad:

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sandkwinn 12d ago #7691830

I don't know, but one could say you being "played" by a mordbidly obese Hawaiian man is one of the subplots in a new enemies to lovers fic I'm writing. I feel like you're gonna really enjoy it