this guy has swissed.

Vienna is amazing but we have to keep it on the DL or it will become wildly expensive. Tell your cousin to keep her mouth shut.

Only have been to like half of them so lot of this is second hand knowledge. Some general things:

• Rule of thumb - the closer you get to Russia, the shittier it gets. Not even among the countries but within them, the further east you go in Hungary, Slovakia, (northeast in) Romania, the shittier the infrastructure, the more distrustful the people etc. vs the western parts of them.

• Czechia, Slovakia, Hungary and Poland are NOT Balkans. Not just map autism, they're quite different culturally - unless you like various combination of meat, potatoes and cabbage, mostly avoid traditional dishes. Better alcohol than south though IMO.

• Czechs are great hosts but terrible tourists. Avoid them as much as possible, Slovakia's Tatras and Croatia's beaches are biggest victims here.

• This is universal across the earth but especially important in this part of Europe - pedestrianized town centers can be nice and historical, but there's nothing interesting once you leave them unless the city has a prominent feature or you have a specific thing in mind, just boring suburbs and commieblock neighborhoods.

Also, not in order, just broadly describing

• Poland - too big for it's own good. There are things to do in the south, Tatras, Hitler's holiday resorts, caves, Krakow is nice, but there's not much else until Warsaw and then northern tricity around Gdansk. Funny language, don't know much about Polish women.

• Czechia - the stereotypes are all true, if you want plentiful alcohol and slutty women, this is the place. Quite funny people too, great hospitality IME. Prague is overcrowded and overpriced, not worth staying in for too long - the center of the country sucks overall, interesting stuff is at the periphery, spa cities in the west, some interesting rock formations in the north, rampant alcoholism in the east in Morava with every other old guy brewing his own beer, wine, liquor, spirits. Best Czech, widely available beer is Budvar, nothing else comes close.

• Slovakia - slightly inferior Czechia in practically every aspect from cities, alcohol, women, with more mountains to compensate. Maybe slightly better local food too, especially cheese. Not much to do in the south, east is really only worth it for locals, stick to cities in west/northwest and Tatras. Lower Tatras are a secret shout for

• Hungary - honestly, it kinda sucks. Budapest is nice but like I said earlier about the cities, it gets boring and filthy the second you step off pedestrianized areas. Most of the other cities were built/massively expanded during commie era so not nearly as much interesting architecture or nice pedestrian areas and more commie blocks. Geographically boring country as well. Redeeming qualities - best goulash and cured meat, the secret is hungarian paprika/smoked paprika, if you do go, buy some. Good wine too. Balaton is overrated but idk, if you like going to music fests, spending a few days there eating, drinking and trying to frick curious Hungarian foids, it won't be the worst time.

• Serbia - Hungary with mountains and Balkan-style cuisine. People, especially in more rural areas can be quite grumpy and hate foreigners/English speakers in particular. Would not be my choice for a time-limited holiday as a foreigner.

• Slovenia - do you like Alps, but would like a Slavic twist to spice it up? This is the country. Weird mix of cultures, some central Slavic, some souther Slavic, some Germanic with a more Italian/Western European spice on top. Nothing culinarily interesting AFAIK, decent wine though surprisingly. Ljubljana is the only interesting city as far as I'm concerned, this one is all about the mountains and lakes.

• Croatia - the most cliché tourist destination for half of Europe - for a reason. Pretty towns with historic architecture, beautiful nature in spots, countless number of beaches you can choose from - do you like them big, small, sandy, rocky, open or more enclosed etc. Ton of islands if you want to spice things up. The only issue - way too many tourists, and the massive demand drove up prices and honestly made the service worse. Also, still in that awkward zone where the Balkan/Turkish influence on cuisine isn't fully hitting.

• Bosnia - pretty overlooked/underrated country. The Muslim/Turkish influence on cuisine and alcohol can be felt here a lot, depending on your tastes might be the best cuisine yet. Some pretty cool cities and towns, sadly very few beaches. People range from great to antagonistic, probably depends on whether you're talking to a Croat, Bosniak or Serb.

• Montenegro - Bay of Kotor is beautiful (if bit too crowded with tourists), so are some parts up north. Podgorica, beaches outside of Kotor mid.

• Albania, North Macedonia, Kosovo - don't know much about either honestly. Kosovo is an enigma to me, Albania really just seems weird but intriguing, Macedonia the coolest out of the bunch.

• Bulgaria - place where Slovaks, Serbs and Hungarians go to if they can't afford Croatia. Consequences of not being on the Mediterranean but Black Sea are colder water and underwhelming beaches, better than Romania tho. There WILL be some local women who throw themselves at you, hoping to get some of that sweet Big Western Peepee and escape the middling prospects of their country. Good cuisine, the proximity to Turkey is showing - do NOT eat random street food pancakes though. Lot more historical stuff than you might expect. Might sound somewhat underwhelming from my description but it honestly isn't bad.

• Romania - poor and generally quite disappointing to me, unless you like driving through mountains. Bulgaria is clear, whether it's the beach stuff, cuisine, cities and architecture, or (lesser) presence of Gypsies. Ask local Romanians to defend their honor and tell you the redeeming qualities of their country.

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Based on what? Do you want like old europe charm - Czechia. Do you want eurotrash medtierranian beach party - Croatia. Slovakia and Hungary are nice if you know what you are doing, but not for newbies.