i'm a mentally unwell agoraphobe; a doughy faced asian female with an ugly body and creepy vibes.

thank you for the advice.

the truth is i'm a mentally unwell agoraphobe; a doughy faced asian female with an ugly body and creepy vibes.

some more truth: i don't actually want to do the work of seeking out love and dating. i want to feel beautiful; i want to be desired and pursued as other women are.

of course, this is an ideal. a fantasy. the reality is that women can get rejected / ignored for a myriad of reasons. same for men.

even more truth: i don't want to saddle anyone with the burden that is being in close contact with me. i'm a horrible person. well, maybe not super horrible, but i am tiresome. someone as unwell as myself can't make for a good partner. even if i try really hard to be the best girlfriend, they always end up leaving bc they do not want to share my lot. and i don't blame them.

i don't want to burden and hurt anymore people.

i just want to rot alone in my dwelling, posting online to entertain strangers, doing complaining femcel bits.

there are some people only Christ can love. i am one of them. and that's fine.

what makes me happy is knowing i gave some entertainment to people online with my posts and grotesque persona.

i don't know what's real anymore.

the friend i mentioned is in fact real tho and that's not his first teenage gf. i don't actually want to emulate him and take advantage of a younger person like that, even tho, tbh, they seek him out, bc he is v handsome, and well known in certain circles.

my envy is genuine, deep inside. yet, i don't actually want to be him. it's just interesting imagining what it would be like to live that life. to attract people like that. and he is not the only man of that sort i know / have known. and i have known even more girls who have had shitty much older bfs they slaved for. money not involved. real "love" and desperation. i could tell many stories...

whatever. that's all we can say, right? whatever...