this site is actively contributing to my depression (ttt blogpost and site quitting number cross)

WARNING: EXTREMELY BORING AND PERSONAL BLOGPOST AHEAD, I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU DO NOT READ IT UNLESS YOU'RE A OR MY FRIEND. THANK YOU.

i debated whether or not to make this post but ultimately decided i should lay out my reasons for (attempting) to quit using the site again, if only to get one last good dose of attention, maybe get some finality, and exist as a cautionary tale. this is not a "frick you userbase" post or insistence for the administration to do anything about the sites content or userbase, simply my logic for why i think i personally should stop using it. i would also generally advise other trans people to avoid the site as well but i know plenty of people who do get something out of reading chud shitholes (seriously i see so many ovarit/kf screenshots on tttt reddit its insane).

anyway i have the big depression. i'm not the most suicidal i've ever been and i'm not considering self harm but i would describe my mental state as seriously fricked up bros. this means more bedrotting, more binge eating, more lapses in executive function, more isolation. i've also for the first time in my short 27 year timespan on this earth actually dug more into these feelings and analyzed them, though this has not lead to any great understanding or an "a-ha" moment on my part. at best it's made me relate more to the stereotypical descriptions of depression and dysphoria. i'm not gonna go too deep into that because its embarrassing tbh. in the past i haven't really considered rdrama to be a major factor in this. a contributor to be sure but i always thought i got more out of it than it took for me. maybe that was delusion or maybe i was just better at tanking the damage in the past. maybe i just took enough and longer breaks and i was never cut out for using the site for an extended period of time. idk. here's some conjecture for why i think its particularly bad for me now:

1) half the country despises my existence and while this fact has always been true it hasn't been as relevant. this leads to me being inundated with a double dose of hatred shoved into my face, first when i see the news elsewhere and again when i browse rdrama. and yes i know nothing ever happens and im being hysterical and yadda yadda yadda. nobody can take my HRT away from me, diy exists. nobody (besides immigrants) is going to be put into camps, things will get better it'll just take time. doesn't mean it's not scary. should i be scared boymoding in a red state? probably not but seeing a news article about kim reynolds trying to legally declare me subhuman certainly isn't fricking helping me not be scared.

2) rdrama has just continued to go on a downward spiral? being someone who started using 4chan at age 12 in 2010 and was constantly called out for being a newstrag, i never really bought into "communities degrade over time" rhetoric. mainly because people are always saying shit is getting worse and i was either too dumb to recognize it or part of the problem myself in the past. but anyway. its definitely a thing with rdrama. a lot of users i liked or at least recognized as someone worth my time have been banned or left the site. and the people coming in to replace them are not the best and brightest. its just. i really really don't care if youre a chud. like yes seeing your ignorant opinions about certain topics does tend to make me flare up with angst, but i really try to not take it too seriously and just have a fun time. it just feels like people aren't coming here to have a fun time or shoot the shit about hobbies or do a little casual reddit trolling. it feels like they're coming here to make themselves and everyone around them miserable.

3) i have better social avenues elsewhere. i'm not talking about tttt because i don't think i'll ever feel like i fit in there, but i do have a friend now who i feel like is on a similar wavelength to me. and interacting with that person has made me realize i have so much more me to express than i am capable of doing on rdrama. its a rather dire comparison that has made me realize more and more how fricking stupid i am for putting up with this for so long. i said it the other day, lonely people tend to act deranged, and it turns out having your sole social outlet be a website full of people that hate you is pretty fricking deranged. being surrounded by people that hate me has been my modus operandi for a long time (much longer than i've been on rdrama), and only now am i realizing how fricked up that is. i'm not conceited enough to say i'm finally growing up, but i do think this time is a little bit different. idk we'll see i guess lmao

thats that. i'll respond to comments here but after that im outie 5k, gonna log out everywhere and scramble my password again. i once again do not know how to end this post

!cuteandvalid