Confession thread

Love these threads.. ok so here's my confession. I'm a recovering drug addict. I've been addicted to opiates for the past 20 years... Started out as pills prescribed by my doctor when I had bladder cancer at age 20. The doctor continued to prescribe me hella high doses of opiates for about 3 years before abruptly cutting me off because he ended up getting investigated by the DEA. Right before he cut me off I was being scripted the highest dose of fentanyl patch they make along with Dilaudid and morphine for breakthroughs pain. At that point I was hella addicted, physically and mentally. I had (and somehow, by the grace of God, still have) a very good career so I was a functioning heroin addict for almost two decades. Until I just couldn't keep it up anymore. I'm telling you right now, that shit permanently changes you. I didn't want to believe it years ago when others told me that, but now I know. I tried quitting so many times, and even the times when I made it through the acute withdrawal (which was by far the most horrible thing I've ever been through) I couldn't get past the extended withdrawal symptoms (called PAWS) that can last for months, some symptoms can last years. The big symptoms for me that never went away were the lethargy and the lack of joy. I couldn't find joy or happiness in anything anymore. It was like everything sucked. And before this I've always been a happy person. Like really happy. I've never had depression problems or anxiety issues, etc. I've always loved life (even before the opiates... They really were started because I have pretty awful chronic pain).

So here's my actual confession about this whole thing.. I ended up having to join a methadone clinic to get off the street drugs. (If you don't know what that is, it's basically a doctor's office that utilizes a synthetic opioid that they administer to you at their location every day. The medicine doesn't get you high but satiates the need your body has for opioids so you don't experience any of the withdrawals). I've been there for 3 years and haven't used any illicit drugs in the last 2.5 years and have no desire to. BUT I did frick up (nothing HUGE, but I made a mistake that made me feel like a royal piece of shit). I actually just got home from going into the clinic and talking to my counselor for about an hour and admitting my frick up. I'm kind of feeling like a worthless piece of shit right now. My counselor is a very sweet woman who is very understanding and always makes me feel better. But there's no shame like the shame you put on yourself. So I've taken the day off work today and I'm going to be a lazy turd and eat ice cream and watch TV and wallow in my gloom for the day.