@horsefuneral's comment on 'r/writers discusses a 60k word gay Gilmore Girls fanfiction about 9/11 written by a 14 year old'

https://old.reddit.com/r/writers/comments/1i5y4ty/i_14_finished_writing_my_first_book/

I (14) finished writing my first book!

I know age shouldn't be an excuse for bad writing and I kinda rushed the end of my book, but I put all my heart and feeling into writing this book. I hope you enjoy reading it.

(PS: this is a pen name)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wyfzJTYu7ER34xCSLjETM1YCgBYCm-AvVsCQjuxVsk4/edit

Here comes the critique:

You posted this, so I assume you want feedback.

Your opening few paragraphs do a good job of setting the stage, but there are a few places where the prose could be cleaned up. For example, you mention Starry Hallow I think three times right off the bat.

The year is 2001, when being gay isn't really normally accepted

Try to watch out for unnecessary filler words really normally. We all use them, but they drag the narrative, especially where you can use this opportunity to attach an emotional value to the sentence.

The year is 2001, and being gay sucks.

:tayclap: :tayclap2: The grown adults on Reddit, when given a chance to critique the writing of a literal child, somehow make it worse

Not that there's not anything to critique, check out the opening line:

I looked out at my window from the bus to Stars Hollow, Connecticut, and then checked my watch. The time was 1:45 p.m., but I really didn't know what time it was because my clock hadn't adjusted to the time zone yet. It's about an hour until I reach Stars Hollow.

"The time was 13:45:32 on the dot, but actually I didn't know what time it was because my (analog) watch hadn't adjusted to the time zone yet"

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lankyhands lan/ky good morning 12d ago #7691475

"The year is 2001, and being gay is r-slurred"

lol

109 Context

DickButtKiss Sick/piss Call for a G0O3y time lankyhands 11d ago #7694832

It's funny because Gilmore Girls is a hella gay show. I remember this kid I went to elementary with in like the 3rd grade everybody knew he was gonna end up being gay but he was obsessed with Gilmore Girls and desperate housewives and shit like that. Ended up coming out in like the 10th grade to nobodies surprise.

trans lives matter

4 Context

horsefuneral it/that @ ultimateredditor 's best friend DickButtKiss 11d ago #7695508

So…what's your point? What's the interesting or surprising part of this story? That you went to school with a gay? that a seven year old wasn't openly gay? That a cute twink liked gay shit?? That you completed at least ten years of formal schooling??

Like what is my experience of this comment supposed to be if it's not a shit post (and tbh I don't think it is). How do you have conversations IRL?