I Found Out My Wife Had an Affair and Now She Says I Need to "Grow as a Man" - What Should I Do?

Howdy,

I'm in a really difficult situation and need some outside perspective. My wife (36F) and I (34M) have been married since 2014 and have two children (born 2014, 2017). Our relationship started strong but has faced serious challenges.

Last August, I discovered my wife had been having an affair for over a year. When confronted, she agreed to reconciliation but has only genuinely apologized once. She maintains she's "not guilty" because our marriage was "already dead" before her affair.

After months of attempted reconciliation with some brief improvements, she recently told me she wants a "more mature partner" and is only staying because she hopes I'll "grow as a man." She specifically mentioned my lack of a father figure growing up. She says she can't fully open up to me because she's afraid of getting hurt again.

We're in therapy, but progress feels minimal. I feel stuck in limbo - not moving forward but not ready to end things either. Our intimacy is nearly non-existent and I'm questioning whether rebuilding genuine connection is possible.

For rebuilding trust after infidelity, experts recommend open communication, taking responsibility, consistency, and creating new positive experiences together. However, my wife doesn't seem to be taking accountability for her actions, which is crucial for healing.

I'm torn between trying to save our marriage for our children and accepting that this relationship might be beyond repair. What should I do? Is there hope for us, or am I prolonging the inevitable?

I would say cuck fan fiction, but their post history is surprisingly detailed.

From /r/TrueChristian:

Can genuine love come back after infidelity? (a Christian husband's turmoil)

Hi guys,

My heart is heavy but I've already spoken about this with so many people (friends, relatives, psychotherapists etc.) that I feel perfectly comfortable sharing my rather trivial, yet incredibly painful story.

I'm a believer (I was saved almost a decade ago and have been a believer in Christ ever since) and I married my wife when I was only 24 (in 2014). This was my first real girlfriend, the first woman I had s*x with etc. The relationship was awesome, with true love and passion – the lot. In 2014 we had our son and in 2017 our daughter, both real blessings from the Lord.

However, this is when things started to go south, mainly due to the shift in the man/woman dynamics in the relationship. I've always been introverted, while she's an extrovert and I've always been super supportive, helping with household chores and anything else. Yet, our s*x life suffered and initially, she was the problem, but then, a few years later (in 2019/2020) she regained her s*x drive but this time mine didn't match hers and still continued to deteriorate.

She began disrespecting me by sharing personal (explicit info about our s*x life with a male co-worker, who we all think is gay, but it doesn't make it any less demeaning) and even telling me that she'll find an affair partner if we didn't fix our s*x life. I was kind of in a depressed state, being more inert and just cruising by, not being the man that I knew I could be, nor the one she wanted and/or hoped for.

We were drifting apart in terms of moral values and overall outlook on life more and more. Me being much more spiritually oriented, looking at this life as something very brief, while she's all materialistic and living for the moment. This led to her getting breast implants, as a last resort to rekindle my desire for her, but it just didn't help and our issues continued.

Then, a few months later she began an affair which I found out only a year later (it had been going on for a bit more than 12 months). I can't explain the pain I felt and the bewilderment as I was 100% sure that my wife would never do this to me and that she wasn't like that. Well, I was foolish, very, very foolish.

Initially, she wasn't sure that she'd be able to completely commit to making things work but shortly after that she did agree to reconcile and our journey of reconciliation began (in August 2013). She only said "sorry" in a genuine manner once, as she started crying, but ever since I can't really feel any true remorse on her part and she even says that she's not guilty (she immediately started blaming me after the discovery and even said that our marriage was already dead long before the affair). Still, after agreeing to reconcile I've set new rules, boundaries and conditions, which she agreed to. Initially, things went well and gradually got better as our "new relationship" peaked around February this year.

The s*x was good and overall things looked normal, except that I didn't feel the same love for her (and I think that she felt and still does feel the same way, although it's never been confirmed). I cannot see her with the same eyes and I've definitely loved respect and appreciation for her as a result of what she committed, for an entire year, with all the lies, deception and so forth.

Since February things have devolved slowly, resulting in more fights, a lack of intimacy and just resentment. We're currently 2 months without s*x (I was on a business trip for 3 weeks though) and things look very grim. We started therapy immediately after the discovery and we're currently actively doing work, but it doesn't seem to help that much.

I just think that I've lost my genuine love for her and I'm fooling myself that I can keep this marriage going, mainly for God (who hates divorce and we're to do everything we can to reconcile) and my children. However, I have Biblical grounds for divorce (if love is indeed gone and resentment is all there is) as found in Matthew 5:32.

I'm fully aware that it's my decision and I'm responsible for taking it, yet I still feel like trying. However, it feels like we're just spinning our wheels and my wife is crystal clear that she wants to live in peace, without such issues and to just live happily.

Can you truly love your wayward wife again, after she willingly emasculated you in such a way by letting another man do what only her husband should? I feel like I already know the answer to this one...

What's your opinion?