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29, fat, ugly, unemployed, friendless, single, hopeless

I'm 29 and I've gained over 150 pounds in the last 2 years. I have stretch marks everywhere and yet I continue to eat. And I'm an alcoholic who drinks more than a 750mL bottle of hard liquor each day. I'm unemployed and lay in bed watching videos on my phone all day while Netflix plays in the background. I had an abortion in 2021 and I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, maybe there would be someone to love me. On the other, I'm pathetic and would be a pathetic parent. When I'm not watching videos, I'm scrolling through social media and looking at everyone I know live their best life.

What's crazy is that I graduated high school early, went to a Big 10 university and graduated at the age of 20 with a biology degree. Started medical school at 22 and dropped out because I was on drugs and had a psychotic break. I ruined all of my friendships and relationships. I drink to forget about how I could have been a doctor but instead I'm a fat, ugly, worthless drunk.

I live with my parents and my grandmother. They're all good people but I spiraled into a crying fit today when my grandmother made a comment about my weight. I went downstairs to get food and my cousin said “here's some goulash if you want it” and my grandmother said “she doesn't need it.” Then smiled and laughed about it. I know what I look like, I know how much weight I've gained. I didn't need that. What's more, she used to be enormously overweight until her husband died and she lost weight from depression. She should know how hurtful that was.

I've been suicidal for the last 5 years and everyday I inch closer to it. I have no one and nothing to live for. This has all just been a tearful ramble….