As a renowned expert on asian peoples, I was asked by user @MommyIssues to compile a ranking of them. I believe I’m uniquely qualified to do so because I was AMAB (assigned mayo at birth) and only discovered my trans-Korean identity after carefully considering which kind of asian resonated with me the most. I’ll be dividing asians into two categories based on the system of racial categorization that I found in a book from the 1940s. There are your yellow oriental types, sometimes called “ricecels” in broad terms. And then there is what was once called a “brown” or “Malay” race, but I’ll follow the lead of my colleague @HardIsLife and refer to them as “jungle asians”. Comparing them is a bit like apples and oranges so I’ll rank them separately.

YELLOW ASIANS

Korean (South)

The pinnacle of human excellence. Their achievements in traditional clothing, soap operas, cute facial expressions on reality TV shows, and killing communists are well known. Even their trashiest forms of entertainment like k-pop are still better than the rest of the world can aspire to. – S

Dae Jang Geum, physician

Korean (North)

Psycho commies but still incredibly based. The most creative terrorists of the world. Lacking in k-drama production but the Moranbong Band is good and maybe they’ll nuke Japan someday. – A

Kim Yo Jong, statesman

Chinese (Singapore)

The refined and civilized people of one of the world’s best-run societies. Their justice system can only be described as based. They get bumped up an extra grade for producing @X (formerly chiobu). – A

some random person from Singapore who I found on google

Chinese (SE Asia Diaspora)

Ethnic Chinese living in Indonesia, the Philippines, etc. have quite a high level of culture and sophistication. – B

Michelle Yeoh, actor

Chinese (Hong Kong)

Decent quality Chinese. All of them know kung fu and can dual-wield pistols. – C

Tequila, police officer

Chinese (Taiwan)

Good at making things. - C

Joanne Tseng, some kind of celebrity

Chinese (Mainland)

If you could buy asian people at a store, this is the kind they would sell at Walmart. They’re rude, pushy, argumentative, mindlessly violent, and if they get their hands on money they’re more tacky and gauche than a cashed-up bogan. – D to F (depending on the province)

unknown boy, subway defecator

JUNGLE ASIANS

Filipino

Indescribably based. The men are masters of chopping up jungles and people with their bolos, blowing away gangsters with their 1911s, and sailing ships. The women are really hot and jealous psychos. They can speak English better than anyone in England. It’s the home of Jolibee. – S

Fernando Po Jr., gigachad

Cambodian

Very cool people. An old Cambodian lady told me I should go there and marry one. Not a bad idea. - A

some random Cambodian dude

Vietnamese

They’re probably pretty cool but I don’t know any so I’m going to penalize them by one grade for that. - B

ARVN Marines, Quang Tri Province, 1972

Thai

They like to marry Swedish guys and then when he turns out to be an alcoholic they beat him up while he’s drunk. Somewhat based, but I’d rather be femdommed by a pinay. - B

His Majesty, King Vajiralongkorn of Thailand

Malay

Think they’re on the same level as Singapore but it’s just a cope. - C

some random Malaysians

Indonesian

Think they’re on the same level as Malaysia but it’s just a cope. I really like rendang though. - C

some Indonesian guy who is probably a politician

OTHER ASIANS

• Mongol - Used to be based, but I think they just watch TV all day and get fat now? I dunno.
• Manchurian - Like Chinese (Mainland) but more violent.
• Laotian/Hmong - I wasn’t in MACV SOG so I don’t know anything about these people.
• Myanmar -I don’t even know wtf is going on in this place.

NON-ASIANS

Indian

Give me a break. A brown mayo is still a mayo.

Mohammed Iqbal, political thinker

Japanese

Clearly not asian since one of the distinguishing characteristics of asians is an intense hatred of Japan. They are in fact a cursed race of dwarf pirates. Although fierce, they are pretty useless in the long run as they are crippled by their overwhelming desire to be perverts.

Shoko Asahara, religious leader

Asian-Americans

If you identify as “Asian-American” then your identity is based on how mayos perceive you. If you care that much about mayos, please visit the nearest asian supermarket and turn in your asian card so it can be cancelled.

Constance Wu, activist and white peepee connoisseur

CONCLUSION

I hope you found this presentation informative. Remember that there are no hard and fast rules here. The rankings may change at any time for a number of reasons. Like maybe I’ll see a movie with a really badass gunfight or I’ll see some really hot chick. There’s always room for your people to improve.