Aquarius

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day.

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the dance (no matter what those idiots at work say)

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Taurus

You will never find true happiness… what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest.

Cancer

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik.

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

Libra

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine; remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them. Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.

Capricorn

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person but you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never leave my house again.