Adventures in things getting stuck in my girl peepee [not clickbait!]

This week marks the third time I’ve gotten something stuck in my girl peepee that has required or nearly required medical intervention.

The first time I got something stuck in my girl peepee was when I was ~20 years old. I was going to South ameriKKKa the next day to see my boyfriend. I was super innocent back then but ofc I had read in Cosmo about Ben wa balls which are little metal balls you stick “up there” and apparently are like a workout for those muscles. I had accidentally ordered some the size of golf balls (probably meant for incontinent old ladies) and didn’t know any better. Well OF COURSE I wanted my boyfriend to be impressed so I tried them out the night before my flight. You guys. I knew something wasn’t right and it was too big but I charged ahead (young love etc etc). I could barely get one in and then once it was past the “point of no return” I panicked. I tried to get it out but IT. WAS. STUCK. This was a METAL ball inside me and I was going to have to go through TSA the next morning. Through a miracle, I got in just the right position and basically gave birth and was spared from having to mansplain to my mom why I needed to go to the ER.

The second time I got something stuck in my girl peepee was during the pandemic. You’ll remember there was a shortage of potty paper and tampons, so I decided to order a diva cup & leave the tampons for those dying of covid. For the men here, basically it’s a plastic cup you insert inside yourself and it collects the blood when you have your period. “I’m doing my part!” I thought. WRONG. I got it in there fine but when it came time to take out….it was stuck with the most powerful suction known to man. That in itself isn’t that bad, right? Well, it gets worse. I have a copper IUD and I was scared that yanking it out would also yank out the IUD which apparently is super painful. I called the Aetna nurse advice line and once she realized she was talking to a real life r-slur, she calmed me down and suggested I go to urgent care….IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC? Thankfully I got it out.

The third time was this week. While deep in prayer, I partially dislodged that very same IUD and I’ve been bleeding non-stop. I just got back to urgent care where they were like “can’t help you lol”. So now I have to figure out what kind of doctor to see. Planned parenthood doesn’t haven’t any appointments for awhile and also I’m against abortion so really conflicted.

Question for y’all: what’s the weirdest thing you’ve gotten stuck in your bussy?