• Ben, Mitch, and Benjamin live in Los Angeles with their 20-month-old adopted daughter, Tegan.

• The throuple have spent over four years and more than $170,000 on having their children.

• They want to draw attention to the hidden and emotional costs of adoption and surrogacy.

*This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Mitch Rolam, 37; Benjamin Rolam, 35; and Ben Rodriguez Rolam, 38, a Los Angeles throuple --- or a three-person romantic relationship. *This essay has been edited for length and clarity. Insider verified their adoption and surrogacy expenses through receipts they provided.

We became a throuple after two of us --- Ben and Mitch, who had been together for 14 years --- met Benjamin on the Atlantis gay cruise in February 2019.

All three of us got ceremonially married in Kauai, Hawaii, in September that same year. And at the same time, two of us --- Benjamin and Mitch --- also got legally married.

Mitch works in finance, Benjamin in e-commerce, and Ben in a beauty company. The three of us live together in Los Angeles with our 20-month-old daughter, Tegan, whom we adopted in 2022.

And we're expecting our second child, through surrogacy, in December this year.

We spent over $170,000 on adoption and surrogacy

Let's add things up.

• The first adoption agency's fees: We spent $18,200 on our first adoption agency in 2019. We were paying for them to share our profile with expectant mothers, and though we were with them for two years, we only got one failed match with a prospective mother who wound up not going with us.

• Attorney fees: We spent around $13,000 to hire an attorney in 2021 so we could start looking for matches through private adoption. The attorney helps communicate with expectant mothers and connects us with other attorneys in states where the birth will take place. We also paid $7,000 for an attorney in the state where Tegan was born.

• Google ads: We spent around $6,000 on Google ads to share our website with expectant mothers.

• Social-services agency: We paid $4,000 in fees for a social services agency in California.

The whole adoption process, from start to finish, took us four years. And that all adds up to over $48,000.

With surrogacy, which we also started pursuing around the same time in 2019, it cost us $86,000 for five embryo transfers with the first agency we used. None of the transfers were successful. And the second agency we used cost us at least $110,000. Thankfully, Mitch's company covered $70,000.

We're expecting to meet the newest member of our family in December.

All in all, that's over $170,000 we've spent out of pocket so far. We've been keeping track for tax purposes.

These costs don't even include the cost of travel for adoption and surrogacy. It also does not include the amount we're still expecting to pay in agency and attorney fees in December for our second child.

There are many hidden costs, both financial and emotional

Adoption is an amazing and rewarding journey, but only once it finally happens.

At first, we thought we wanted to adopt both of our kids. But that changed once we actually went through the adoption process.

We met dozens of mothers, and we had to commit a lot of effort and time into creating relationships with someone who's probably not going to call you back the next week, all while explaining to them why we would be the best parents.

And we had multiple failed adoptions before Tegan, where we went in and held the baby, flying across the country to do so, thinking we're having a baby now, only to be told: "No, we're not going to pick you." It was so emotionally draining.

We didn't have anything in Tegan's room prepared for the longest time because the attorney told us not to fill it --- all it would do is to remind us of her if we got rejected.

There were just a lot of hidden costs. From small expenses like court fees or traveling for the surrogacy and adoption process piling up, to the disappointment of spending two years on something without seeing an outcome.

But at the same time, people are constantly asking us if we're sure we want this, and our answer is: Yes.

When you're planning to have a family --- through the route we're using --- you have to have all these conversations and understand what you want.

It's a big commitment, and there just isn't enough information available for people to know how costly this is.

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I'm in my third year of college and i still dont have any friends and I think im gay . How do I just be normal and make friends and fall in love and not be alone all the time? if this goes on for much longer probably just going to rope tbh

alright sorry for blogpost but i try to include marseys to make it more interesting and less sad

I wonder if it was one of the dudes I called fat. Or maybe it was the tiny peepee guy whom I told I wasn't into it. And I have noticed quite a few tiny peepee guys on there. Also, why is nearly everyone so short? I mean I'm an asian manlet but most of these Aryan studs are somehow shorter than I am.

But overall it's surpassed my expectations so far by a lot. I was really surprised by how many guys are into me and think I'm hot. And here reddit had me convinced that I'd be a 30 something forever-alone-gaydeadcel cause Grindr is all no rice no spice, mskx4msxks. Turns out no those guys are just ugly.

!strayans I'm sick of apps.

Other than clubbing which is really meh (and expensive in a capital city), what other methods do you do to meet other gays?

I joined a leisure sports league. It was alright and full of gays, but then I moved to a place without one. Also got to meet cool guys at my last gym (regretting not asking out the guy who asked me to hold hos ankles while he did dolphins that pushed his butt so close to my face) but, again, fewer gays in my area now.

Should I just sign up to like classes or groups? Because I've been finding it hard to find non-uni groups and frankly I'm a bit long in the tooth (and short of patience) to be dealing with uni students.

Anyway - always down for more recommendations of cool activities. Preferrably those that attract other dudes.

I'm a 6'4' bloke. Met with a much shorter bloke in Hyde Park at night for a bit gay fun. I have a large wart to the right of my chest he sucked on this whilst I wanked him off believing it was my nipple. Felt nice but noticed the wart had vanished when I showered later same night

— Fesshole 🧻 (@fesshole) March 28, 2024

Isn't he just infuriatingly cute? (Don't worry, he's 19) !lgbt !pinknames !gayporn

Every gym rat I see on the apps seems to only be into other gym rats. Is it the same in person? Are they all just incestuous? I ask because there's no shortage of guys who are into me on the apps but they're all average or overweight. No muscles in sight. It feels weird.

For context I'm a BMI 19, slightly underage looking size zero cute twink.

this is the consequences of banning p*rn

A local queer bar near me has nights for specific communities sometimes so like there's gay nights, lesbian nights and trans nights they do others too I think. I went to a gay night with my boyfriend a few days ago. It was really fun for the first part of the night. We were talking to some people and I mentioned that i'm a trans guy (it was relevant to the conversation) I thought the people we were talking to were cool with it but like a little later one of the security told me I had to leave because I'm trans and that was making other people uncomfortable.

I didn't think going to a bar for gay men as a gay man would be a problem? The security guy told me I should go to the trans night instead. I just wanted to have fun with my boyfriend I didn't like mean to make anyone uncomfortable or anything. Was I in the wrong for going? I just want opinions tbh

And he had the whitest peepee I've ever seen it's crazy that thing looked like a milk popsicle. But it didn't taste like much of anything. So I guess people just do this for the texture? It's been like an hour and I can still feel it on my tongue. Oh and it was flexible even though it was hard. Deepthroat makes a lot more sense now.

Also the peepee looked and smelled so clean but I still feel weird all over my mouth and a bit in my throat. I wonder if it's just the taste of sin.

And yes I am using this hole as my personal hookup blog now.

i've watched like 15 of this womans vids, and shes hot as frick https://milfnut.com/actor/bettie-bondage

its all 'virtual s*x' or jois, where you're the son, shes the mom. idk how old she is, late thirties i guess. but i love her style, shes a bit chubby, for my usual tastes, but she's supposed to be your mom.

she makes me crazy.

While I've been afraid of this gay hole closing and have been meaning to farm /r/askgaybros for outrage or just dump spme sexy rule 34, I've thought that maybe I'll make a regular low-effort post first.

So I'm a bit bored of the apps. Some decent options and I get a good amount of matches (even if my skin is in crisis atm - my pics are still 👌). Good chats, some first dates, not a lot of seconds (mostly my choice)

I'm also trying not to age into one of those 38-45 year old gay cliches who are like 'I can't find a decent guy (chad) (but I'll never drop my standards and go out with guys who do match with me because I deserve better).

But I was wondering if I try my hand at gay speed dating? There are a few events near my capital city and after spending some time there, I was struck by how it's pretty fricking gay so I reckon there are a greater amount of options.

But how sad is it? To not only speed date, but gay speed date since if you really get over your inhibitions you can find easy butt to smash. And do you think it'll be regular losers who can't be successful on the apps or losers like me with moderate success but looking for a change of pace?

Gay answers only (gifs preferred).