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Finally saw cabin in the woods. In depth review and analysis.

I was just going to leave the thread blank for two reasons:

1) Since the film is so in love with cutesy little meta-metacommentary it seemed appropriate because

2) I felt absolutely nothing for this movie,

however that's too subtle, so like Cabin in the Woods itself I will now belabor the point long past anyone's ability to care.

I honestly don't even know where to begin with this. It wasn't offensively bad or anything a la Black Swan, it isn't good-bad like Chopping Mall, it's not just plain old serviceable and therefore solid in its decency like The Omen, and it certainly isn't good. And it's like it was written to preemptively shield itself from criticism.

I could call it formulaic. The defense would be that of course it's formulaic, that's the point of the movie haha they even named the generic slasher archetypes at the end, the formulaicism is part of the joke.

I could call it uninspired. The defense would similarly be that of course it's uninspired, there's a Cube-style room of rooms with all the monsters from everything, it's all deliberately derivative and referential.

I could call it not scary. The defense would again similarly be that this is also intentional, look how it's also billed as a comedy. Nevermind that it's not funny either, because it's also billed as a horror.

The plain and simple of it is that it is formulaic, and this goes for the meta-meta narrative as well. Yes the silly organization's point is to enact the contrived ritual that plays out with horror movie tropes because it's supposed to, that's not whats formulaic about it. It can be argued that every beat up to the descent into the facility is formulaic by design, but once they're through that door that excuse falls flat.

The plain and simple of it is that it is uninspired. One of the technicians remarks early on that they're allowed to cheat to make things play out as needed as much as they want. Later we see that security personnel gunning down the sacrifices meets the requirements—there's no reason not to lead with that and just shoot the whore first. Or to bomb the cabin after shooting the whore. Or literally anything else. The overarching narrative cannot be flimsy because the arguably intentionally shitty internal narrative is wink-wink-shitty to allow room for that larger one. The overall story is just there as an excuse to make 8104 different references (HAHA THE WHITEBOARD TALKS ABOUT THE R*PE TREES FROM EVIL DESD LOL) and give 3 second cameos to creatures from other movies. The facility and organization itself is just a Cube Zero knockoff anyway.

The plain and simple of it is that it is neither scary nor funny. There are no stakes even with the apocalypse on the horizon and then actualizing to end the film. Everyone is boring and sucks. Literally Shaggy from scooby doo as the lead can't go any other way. The humor predates it by several years but it all smacks of that atrocious Rian Johnson Star Wars movie with the yo momma joke; it's quip "comedy" without the quips but the exact same degree of unwarranted and omnipresent self-satisfaction.

This is, however, a lot more negativity than Cabin in the Woods strictly deserves. I don't feel any sort of profound loathing for it or anything, it did nothing to elicit any particular emotion that strong. It's a completely unremarkable hour and a half.

For a movie with such an incredibly promising cover and inexplicably golden critic reviews from the beforetimes when critics evaluated things by metrics other than how much gay s*x a film has in it, the only thing I feel in any notable sense is confusion as to how either of these things happened. That and I want to watch Hellraiser because cenobites are great even if they are bootleg and have 30 seconds of screentime in an utterly mid movie.

★★☆☆☆

!kino your thoughts?

cc @LainkeyKong as requested

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144
:redlight: :redlight: IT'S HAPPENING! Trump is done for! Democrats enact BOLD NEW STRATEGY :redlight: :redlight:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738882252EABh6QMgDSyc4Q.webp

link

:marseyrave: Impeachment articles filed! :marseyrave:

(do NOT read the actual article) :!capychad3:


Walls status?

---> closing in

Is this.... "The Beginning Of The End?"


It's currently #2 on /r/All. Surely it will be #1 soon.

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738882252iXaDg0hbvXdVyA.webp

link


:#marseytrumpitsover:


Soldier of the Reddit Army pushes back against Fascist demoralisation tactics!

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738882843igYLg8cjDiDtKg.webp

link

:#soysnoo2: "do. not. give. up."

Most self-aware Redditoid:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738883444C7Ajr44ZNCXeTQ.webp

link

:#brainletchest: Democrat impeachments were real. Trump spoke with Zelensky on the phone... and he did that other thing.... which no one can remember...

Most controversial comment currently:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738884819paW_nenpV14Hhg.webp

link

:#soyjakanimeglasses: Erm, we've had the white house for 16 of the last 20 years, sweaty
Wrong. :#capygigabrain:

2005-2008 Bush (4) | 2009-2015 Obama (8) | 2016-20 Trump (4) | 21-25 Biden (4)


How do people turn into this?:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738885440YLe9wRVEw0DiWg.webp

link

:#marseysnoo:

("Marshall law" lmao)


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The entitlement of white families enrages me

					
					

Note: I posted this in a different sub but wanted to share here too. I'm just so angry

As a Black woman, the entitlement of white families and the shit they get away with both amazes me-and enrages me.

I'm away on a business trip-kind of my first. They are paying for my hotel room and everything. It's pretty awesome. The hotel I'm at has a swim pool so I decided to bring my bathing suit and go for an evening swim after my conference.

I figured I'd wait till about an hour before pool closing so it'd be less busy. Clearly, everyone had the same idea as me. Fine, whatever. There were 3 parties of us there-myself, solo, a filipino family (maybe 5-6 of them children included) and a big group of white families together for what I assume to be a hockey tournament (I saw them checking in with their sticks and hockey bags in tow).

The white adults were absolutely plastered. They had several coolers in the pool (not allowed) boxes of pizza (also not allowed). The adults were all drinking beers poolside (again, NOT allowed). Meanwhile, their kids are causing an absolute disturbance. Prior, their sons were playing FRICKING FLOOR HOCKEY in the hotel HALLWAY. I could hear them before I left and I saw them on during my time in the pool (they were coming in and out) and on my way back to my room.

At one point, one of the moms is so shitfaced she drops her glass and it shatters. she then starts scraping the glass into the pool where myself and the Filipino families kids were swimming. One of the moms goes "no no dont do that just leave it"

I decide I'm done with the main pool and head over to the hot tub where more of the Filipino family are hanging out. As we're relaxing, one of the front desk staff comes in with one of the boys. The boy goes "guys guys listen-the front desk says we need to quiet down we're being too loud" to which the moms respond "we're being too LOUD?! Tell them to shut the front door!" (Which makes zero sense because the pool door WAS shut-it requires key card entry). They were just that fricking loud.

Just the absolute gall and entitlement of the parents to think they should be allowed to disrupt everyone else was appalling. I lean over to someone in the hot tub and go "have they been acting like that all night?" "Yup, since we got here!" And then we started talking about how rude they were, the disrespect to public space, the glass in the pool, etc. Suddenly all the boys decide theyre down playing hotel hallway hockey and come into the pool. There's a huge sign that says "no diving-shallow pool". So naturally, they all start doing cannonballs. The splashes were so big they were hitting me and the family in the hottub. The parents continued to sit back shitfaced and pleased with themselves.

I'd had enough so I left and went to complain to front staff. I let him know that the family was drunk off their asses, not controlling their kids, the boys playing hockey in the hall, the broken glass, the pizza, the way the mom disrespected the first staff member to go in, all of it. He was very apologetic to which I said it's not his fault and the family would likely retaliate again (all the front desk staff were POC) and he said he'd handle it and escalate to management. I went off to my room.

Some of you are gonna say this is just a shitty parent thing-and it is. However, whiteness does come into play. Watch a Black person act up and see how we're shamed, dragged across the internet, everything. Watch a Black person follow the rules and still get shit. I'm thinking of those stories of Black people getting kicked out of pools in their own apartment complexes cause racists POS didn't think they live or "belong" there.

White people are just allowed to be shameless. The reason that mom was so bold talking back to the staff is cause she felt entitled and knew she held a position of power. She is the white woman, and is offended by the POC staff member politely telling her to get a hold of herself. The staff dare tell them how to behave??? They know at the end of the day they will get a free pass. I want to make sure to include the dads in this too cause they were shit too. I mention the mom cause my time there she was the one mouthing back. The dads were all standing around drunk and smug.

And this is how kids, especially white kids, turn into entitled adults. Mommy and daddy never say no. Of course theyd be allowed to play floor hockey in the middle of a hotel hallway and disrupt other patrons! Of course theyre allowed to break pool rules! Why shouldn't they? They're watching their parents do the exact same shit!

I'm not saying BIPOC should get a free pass to be unruly shits btw, or that we never act up. I'm angry at how different the repercussions are and how white folk are simply allowed to do whatever they please and train their kids to be the same because society has put them so far up on a pedestal.

:#marseyshesright:

3
🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬😩

ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy ciggy

https://media.tenor.com/bwPPatrM9fMAAAAx/500-cigarettes-the-orville.webp

redscarepod ciggy hours


					
					

!friendsofredactor0 !redscarepod

These r-slurs truly think CHYNA is some free society built on socialist values. Are these neighborz even realz?

Lmao. China is so authoritarian they allowed these brave story fabricators to operate as long as their no. 1 adversary was willing to find them.

"Give me 300k per year to say China bad"

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28
:marseyelonmusk: updates a classical meme to the modern reality :marseycruisemissile:
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32
:marseyxdorbit: :marseysnappynraged:

!burgers !dramatards

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hn

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2
folks I am once again tripping like hek

3.5g cracker dry, lemon tek

lets go baby

:marseyshroom: :marseymushroom: :marseytoad: :marseymushroom2: :shroomjak: :hide: :shroob: :marseypsychedelic:

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Lol, Ye so funny. What does he mean here?

					
					
					
	

				
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:marseyemojilaugh: BONGS TO BAN POINTY KNIVES :marseyemojilaugh:

OI GUVNAH YEW GO' A LOICENSE F'DAT DEYUH POIN'Y KNOIFE COR BLOIMEY INNIT?

:#marseybongcoptalking:

A Hollywood actor who glamorizes psychotic murderers on death row as the good guys told England to ban pointy knives

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738897762kGulM4-XfICxSA.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738897632EevGBsBh83LU1Q.webp

!burgers point and laugh at the !britbongs

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:#marseycut:

https://media.tenor.com/j0BAcRArt6kAAAAx/luka-luka-doncic.webp

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I hate the neurodivergent twinks on dating apps
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59
Americans hate :!marseytrain:s more than illegal immigrants :marseyemojilaugh:

!chuds !transphobes

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738906887Q5JeIuseeIHfkg.webp

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21
I HAVE A DREAM
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115
Reddit gigajanny on the coomercaust: "Looking into this." Was this in error? Will the child s*x trafficking website restore pornography? BETTING THREAD :donkeykongdance3: :diddykongdance: :funkykongdance:

When will the wholesome sexual healthcare subs be restored? Or was this intentional? Qualifications for an overturn are either:

No this is permanent (wins if still nothing in 3 days OR an official statement indicating permanence) - 18 bets

Within 1 hour - 2 bets - WINNER!

1-3 hours - 11 bets

3-8 hours - 21 bets

8-24 hours - 8 bets

24-48 hours - 3 bets

48-72 hours - 1 bets

All times are relative to the timestamp of this thread.

Note: as a reminder I do not read threads or comments so this understanding of the situation is based entirely on titles and thumbnails, if it is in error then the situation itself is wrong, not me

3
crooked politician?

more like crooked nose jew politician lizard people...

#truth

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Most Based Comments

Basedness: 🔥🔥🔥🔘🔘

Trav and Taylor are trumpers girl (698)

Taylor may have secretly voted for Trump idk her mind. But she openly campaigned for Harris so 🤷🏼‍♀️ (14)

Basedness: 🔥🔥🔘🔘🔘

NFL players of all races lean very conservative. Remember this is a sport that has had ONE openly gay active player in its entire history, It's not exactly known for its progressivism and tolerance. There are only a couple of vocally liberal players and a whole lot more far-right ones who stay relatively quiet. (743)

Is basketball different? My cities team has a coach that will not shut the frick up about issues(complimentary)but I don't really get into sportsball so I thought that was common across the board. (59)

Basedness: 🔥🔘🔘🔘🔘

Compare this to the Eagles and Jalen hurts attitude towards him. I don't know anything about sports except that I want the chiefs to lose this. (983)

What did Jalen say about him? I can't find anything about it. (14)

Angriest Comments

Angriness: 😡😡😡😡😡

Let's stop pretending Taylor is some kind of helpless baby who's trapped in this relationship - she's obviously fine with dating a Trump supporter. She's a typical billionaire who's insulated from everything that's happening and about to happen to America and idk why she gets special treatment. (7874)

Listen I don't know a fricking thing about this subreddit and idk even know why it's recommended honestly but you hear me this:For as much good as taytay loves to purport I'll say this much as an aviation veteran with a decade experience working with private jets: this woman can frick right the frick off. The amount of fuel she shits into the atmosphere on the regular is worthy darn near of a war crime. Not to mention just the idea of how unabashedly gaudy it is, flashing her billions around while charging what, 4-500USD a ticket?I'm over the Taylor bullshit and I'm fricking left as they come. Way fricking left. (6)

Angriness: 😡😡😡🔘🔘

I'll likely be downkongd for this but this is just your standard straight down the middle athlete answer during media week, if you have a problem with the answer [which is fair] then it's less about him as an individual and more about the NFL's media training and stance as a whole. The same journ*list asked everyone else the same question on both teams and they all answered pretty much the same. They do it to create as little headlines and distractions as possible before the big game. The only reason this may get more attention despite a similar neutral answer to everyone else is because of the TS connection.We have seen Trump speak negatively on both Travis and Taylor previously. As someone who isn't much of a fan of his or the Chiefs he's publicly supported and advocated for causes and groups that are diametrically opposed to Trump. Whether it be Kelce's public stance on guns, LGBT rights, BLM movement or vaccination. There is also a podcast appearance where he says Trump is racis... (766)

This is a dude that kneeled with teammates during the national anthem, who donates to inner city youth, and is generally a decent dude doing pro-vaccine commercials, and other things. I don't know his personal beliefs, but he's also the ultimate team player. He's the least likely guy to make a media mistake during the biggest week of his life at the Superbowl. He didn't say he loves Donald Trump and he didn't say Frick him. Both that would blow up the story. He just said the President coming is an honor. It would be for any President that the head of the nation wants to watch you play. Even if they are not someone you like or support. Now, that saying Trump sucks, F him would cause trouble with his team, team owner, league, fan base, half the country, that is what really sucks. Not Travis's answer. For being a Chiefs fan, I don't like the NFL limiting players free speech by threat of job loss, the owners make the game almost unwatchable knowing that you are stuffing money i... (167)

Angriness: 😡😡😡🔘🔘

Donald trump has literally gone out of his way to insult taylor and made horrible deepfake AI images of her. Also trumps boss musk has been posting in the past 2 weeks ! photoshopped images to make taylor look like a nazi and this is what he says?! I'd be fuming!! (40)

Biggest Lolcow: /u/prettybunbun

Score: 🐮🐮🔘🔘🔘

Number of comments: 5

Average angriness: 🔘🔘🔘🔘🔘

Maximum angriness: 😡😡😡🔘🔘

Minimum angriness: 🔘🔘🔘🔘🔘

NEW: Subscribe to /h/miners to see untapped drama veins, ripe for mining! :marseyminer:

:marppy: autodrama: automating away the jobs of dramneurodivergents. :marseycapitalistmanlet: Ping HeyMoon if there are any problems or you have a suggestion :marseyjamming:

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48
Kanye says "Yes Diddy"

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738901344t1AmuEaYkvVRKw.webp https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738901343vkr1xpe_g-09qA.webp

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Reported by:
  • KONGtimeKONGtimeKONGtime : harassment campaign meant to make fun of an innocent boomer, please only post in good faith
63
Lawyer gets his Wiener stolen

https://i.rdrama.net/images/17388906156gLwQoEz38J_lQ.webp https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738890615R0L65rS6VvYgWw.webp https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738890615_hroDiSITKwd3g.webp https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738890615hYm9DbwSkYUVFA.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/17388906153nu--UTP_i6U2w.webp

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1
Just did a fat shit again
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Reported by:

:marseypop2#talking: https://media.tenor.com/JX6U7i8C2PkAAAAx/jesse-pinkman-drink.webp :marseyaaatrembletalking#!:

:marseypizzashilltalking#: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :marseyraccoonshock#!talking:

:marseyhitler#talking: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :marseystalintalking#!:

:marseydarktrumptalking#: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :marseyreportermnn#talking:

:marseychingchongragingtalking#: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :capydark!#talking:

:marseywitchtriggeredtalking#: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :chudseethetalking#!:

:carpagree#talking: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :carpsockpuppet2#!talking:

:marseywhitedynamitetalking#: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :marseypenny!#talking:

The possibilities for bullying self entitled power users are endless!

:marseyawardretard#:

Thank you @barrel for pushing me to do better than :marseyoof:

!marseyfans !marseyartists please :marseyattentionseeker: I need dat boosted kong-money :marseypoor:

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https://store.steampowered.com/app/3130060/Move_Out_Manor/

The game that the post is about.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3336610/Ghostly_Acres/

The new game.

Going on visuals alone this is actually a significant upgrade that they should be happy about. I can't say much about the rest though. It's a little sad that the talent they have is being funneled into the trash. There's talk of "market research." Surely asking anyone in their life if they'd be willing to spend any amount of time or money on a puzzle game where you push boxes around would get them the results that it took nine months to find.

"We did all the things you're supposed to do: Steam page launch, Next Fest, festivals, but still have minimal sales." When they say minimal they're talking less than 100 sales. Likely less than a dozen genuine. It has one real review. The other isn't even a friend, it's a small youtuber who received the game for free. Not a single associate of this team was willing to play and review this game.

When I started making these posts it was to point and laugh. Now the thought of multiple people spending their free time producing content that likely didn't even cover the $100 steam submission fee makes me :marseyaware:

I wonder if a Caleb Hammer-type show where "legitimate" devs pitch their idea to a flamboyant host would go well. Ideally the content would have a biggest-loser "where are they now" segment but almost every time it would be - "faded away into obscurity, released nothing."

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OP in r/bayarea has been getting flipped off and hail hitler'd a lot; redditors respond

					
					

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738886090HsA07kyTqPrXUw.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738886090cWck9kEb9XkD_w.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738886090EJE43W2GLcykgg.webp

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The President of Cocaine says that Cocaine is actually super cool and based and anti-racist.

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738897758Yk8JRAs9HPUJrg.webp :marseycocaine#:

Now playing: Bonus Room Blitz (DKC).mp3

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