I am Australian and have lived in Japan for a long time. I recently got divorced from my Japanese husband (he cheated). Now I am on the apps and am having absolutely no luck. I very rarely see guys who interest me, and when I do, they don't swipe right on me.

I think I am pretty cute, but I started to wonder if it was me and if I am just not as attractive now that I'm older (34). As an experiment, I set my location on one of the apps to Seattle. I thought there would be more of the type of guy I am looking for (handsome, educated, artsy, liberal hipster with a good job). I immediately got so many matches with guys I would be really interested in.

I don't particularly love or hate Japan, but I am comfortable living here and have a good job here. I also have a dog and it would be hard to move with her. Should I uproot my life and move elsewhere just for the sake of finding love? Is it common for foreign women to struggle with dating in Japan? Maybe the type of guy I am looking for is too rare here and/or they are only into Japanese women?

I think after your 30's you kinda have to lower your expectations. I mean educated, good job, handsome ; That right there eliminates like 80% of people worldwide 😂

Everyone over 30 who checks all of those boxes is either married, gay, a total butthole/slut, or some combination of the three.

Especially in East and Southeast Asia, where there is an endless supply of young attractive women who want to get married in their 20s.

And if you are further limiting your search to non-Asian Western people, your potential pool of partners is infinitesimally small...

I don't see how slut is a disqualifier. It can be a very positive attribute in a loyal context 😩❤️ Everyone deserves a wholesome slut tbh . Treat yourself.

A loyal slut is an oxymoron.

Only if youre monogamous and lame.

oh boy....

poly and fat

at least she's trying to lose weight i guess

Apparently lack of relationships is the number 1 reason western women leave Japan, as it's common for western women to struggle with dating in Japan.

from what my Western woman friends have told me, it's largely because such traits as a strong personality, assertiveness, career-oriented mindset, refusal to be submissive or traditionally feminine, and expectation of equal contribution in the household are generally not very desirable female traits in the Japanese dating pool.

kinda fits with my own observations as well. Bunch of foreign dudes I know have Japanese partners, but hardly any foreign girls I know do, and basically all of them have horror stories about the shit they've put up with and been told by men when/if they tried dating in Japan. And the misogynistic shit I hear from Japanese guys when they're talking about girls is often pretty darn shocking.

obligatory: no, I'm not saying all Japanese men are like that, and no, I'm not saying non-Japanese men are never like that, before the white knights come in to protect the glorious reputation of Nippon

Nah, most Japanese men are garbage. I say this as a Japanese man myself.

There's a lot of garbage dudes everywhere, but Japan has some seriously embedded cultural sexism to reckon with.

she's not gonna frick you, dude

good looking, smart/disciplined, cultured, liberal and succesful. It's a high bar in Japan. I think a lot of guys in their 30s that check all of these boxes are already married. Are you willing to date younger?

>Are you willing to date younger?

lmao

why would a younger man who was that successful want to date a divorced woman significantly older than him though.

Like, dating is hard unless you're a young attractive woman or a wealthy attractive male. OP may still be attractive but she's out of that easy mode window now, so she's just going to have to temper expectations and figure out which quality she really can't give up on.

Op also described herself as "pretty cute". Most people of the same age here are(they're generally slim so that helps). I've been to seattle and a lot of mid-30s people have really let go so I'm sure there might be more demand for someone "pretty cute" there. Reality is harsh but people in japan can be pretty appearance focused.

any woman that describes herself as cute and not hot is mid at best.

Jada Pinkett Smith calls Tupac Shakur her “Soulmate” pic.twitter.com/Erk8jFhyO9

— Daily Loud (@DailyLoud) October 13, 2023

At this point Will gotta play Diddy in the biopic killing Tupac

Amber Heardtold her therapist Jason Momoa was purposely dressing like her ex Johnny Depp while filming the 'Aquaman' sequel ... one of many claims just now coming to light.

The news comes courtesy of new legal docs from Amber's defamation trial last year, which were recently made public ... and detail some startling allegations she made in therapy sessions back in 2021, when she and Jason were working on 'A2.'

A rep for DC denied these characterizations, saying ... "Jason Momoa conducted himself in a professional manner at all times on the set of 'Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom." A separate source told Variety, Jason's fashion sensibility naturally reflects a bohemian style ... pushing back on Amber feeling he was trying to torment her.

There are a lot more juicy nuggets in the docs ... including the allegation Warner/DC tried canning Amber ahead of filming of 'Aquaman 2' -- but not because of her Johnny drama, but more so over a perceived lack of chemistry with Jason.

Amber's then-boyfriend, Elon Musk, fired off a letter to the studio on the heels of that ... threatening to "burn the house down" at WB, according to Variety.

If true, you'd have to say it worked ... they did keep Amber, although a handful of her scenes were cut down in the final edit of 'Aquaman 2; -- including a love scene with JM.

It's a peek behind the curtain amid a lot of speculation at the time over how much the Amber-Johnny saga had affected their respective work prospects -- especially for Amber, who came under intense criticism in the wake of Johnny's victory. Remember, fans wanted her character, Mera, completely recast, and a viral petition got started over it ... to no avail.

Now, 'A2' is set to hit theaters in December ... and time will tell what the box office will be. The first one was a massive success, but insiders say this new one hasn't landed so well with audiences in test screenings, which has spurred a number of reshoots/new cuts.

In any case, we've reached out to both Amber and Jason's teams ... so far, no word back.

A woman who spent 20 years saving for her dream wedding has thrown herself her own big day after not meeting the right partner.

Sarah Wilkinson, 42, decided to hold a wedding ceremony conducted by her celebrant friend at Harvest House in Felixstowe, Suffolk.

The credit controller said the occasion was a natural progression after she treated herself to an engagement ring.

"It was a lovely day for me to be centre of attention," she said.

"The ceremony wasn't an official wedding, but I had my wedding day.

"I think you get to the point where you think 'I might not have this with a partner by my side, but why should I miss out?'

"That money was reserved for my wedding - it was a case of it's there and why not use it for something I want to do."

Ms Wilkinson, who lives in the town, said she splashed out £10,000 on the celebration after saving each month and adding any extra windfalls she had, such as bingo wins.

The bride was surrounded by 40 of her closest family and friends for the ceremony on 30 September and another 40 people in the evening at the tennis club opposite.

She told BBC Radio Suffolk her friends were not surprised to hear of her outlandish plan to stage her own wedding.

"No-one stopped smiling all day and everyone said what an amazing time they had," said Ms Wilkinson.

"Nearly every single one said 'that's such a Sarah thing to do'."

Ms Wilkinson said she wrote 14 vows for her to honour, with the first being a promise never to relinquish control of the TV remote.

She said she came up with the idea of the wedding when she turned 40 in lockdown and decided to buy herself a diamond engagement ring she had always wanted.

The wedding featured a traditional white sequinned gown, a tiered cake topped with a figurine of a bride kissing a frog, and her mother walking her down the aisle.

Her friend - professional wedding planner Katherine Cresswell - conducted the ceremony.

"As much as it was about Sarah, it was about bringing everyone together," said Ms Cresswell.

"There's always a need to celebrate and I think we need it more than ever right now."

Despite getting her perfect wedding day, Ms Wilkinson said she had not ruled out meeting any future grooms.

"Not at all... but it was just a case of giving up looking because it's a lot of effort," she said.

I swear I see it so often, both online and while engaging in casual conversation, that I no longer believe people realize it's an incredibly rude thing to say. If a girl says something about feminism or body autonomy rights the automatic answer is some sort of "joke" about daddy issues or "you say that because your father left you". And of course the classic "you hate men because your dad didn't love you".

It's so gross, rude and misogynistic to even try passing it off as a joke. I have taken a like to nip that shit in the bud when I hear it, replying that I, in fact, had no father growing up causing me to end up in therapy with issues with self harm and anxiety and their jokes were retraumatizing and making me consider trying again. They immediately turn paper white and start babbling apologies. The last part it's not true, I couldn't care less about my POS sperm donor and my life is happier without him.

Some people (both men and women, not only men, some women have some deranged misogynistic opinions) really need to get a grip with rude comments and how someone really struggling might perceive them.

ETA: Wow someone really reported me to Reddit Care Resources lol. I'm sorry so many of you are triggered.

This chick sounds fun, not surprised she has daddy issues.

Don't make fun of ANYONE for ANYTHING they can't control. Hoping to find some manlet seethe? I was too, but didn't see any. Found this though:

No it is not. As a matter of fact, it's not acceptable to make fun of anyone for something they don't control or can't change in their lives. As a man, I always thought it was pathetic to make fun of anyone for their parental circumstances. Men who abandon their children are also fricking pieces of garbage.

As are the women who choose to procreate with these losers.

Blaming women for men's faults. Classic, regurgitated misogynistic drivel.

Blaming men for womens choices seems equally ridiculous.

Excusing men for abandoning their children seems cruel, misogynistic and just plain idiotic.

No one is excusing men. By definition, saying a woman should not procreate with a loser is blaming the man. But the woman has much responsibility too. She is in control of reproduction.

Incredibly naive thing to say, especially in the current political climate

What's naïve about it?

Many partners seem perfectly good and responsible up until the woman gets pregnant, then they switch up and become absent or abusive. Women can't tell the future, there's no way to be 100% certain that your partner won't leave you high and dry. Additionally, women can get pregnant against their will, and millions of women live in places where they don't have access to reproductive care.

That is a myth. The signs are always there. I've seen countless stories on here of women with men who are abusive, controlling, irresponsible, and broke. And then they're like “should I leave him?” You just don't want to admit that there are thousands of irresponsible and low self-esteem women out there. And men become fathers against their will too.

I know you try to spin this as some kind of misogynistic, or incel type of deal; but that's not true. The simple fact is this: I readily acknowledge that a lot of men are buttholes. But you refuse to acknowledge that a lot of women are buttholes too. THAT'S what this is.

It's a myth huh? So you're saying millions of women are just too stupid to see the signs? Gtfo

How about how women make fun of men with mommy issues?:

And it literally just makes men look THAT MUCH WORSE

Yeah, let's put women down for the actions of MEN

That makes total sense 🙄

How often do women call out guys for having mommy issues though?

All the time….

Both of these are totally normalized.

Eh, mommy issues are almost always specifically regarding issues with the way the son behaves WITH his mother. Daddy issues rarely have anything to do with the daughter's behavior with her dad.

People aren't calling out Andrew Tate supporters for having mommy issues.

I don't agree. Trust issues, emotional availability, fear of abandonment, expecting women to clean up after them all get called out as mommy issues.

I've not heard them used in that context, the closest is "he wants me to be his mommy" for the cleaning thing (which is, again, not the same thing).

The vast majority of the time it's guys catering to their mother over their actual relationship.

“He wants a mommy, not a girlfriend”

To me, is the same as

“She sleeps around for guys attention. Major daddy issues”.

But who knows, must just be different experiences.

No, because one is calling out that he actually wants his girlfriend to treat him like a child and meet the needs he should be handling as an adult.

There's no context where a woman should be having s*x with her father.

Men's emotional issues aren't valid, unironically.

Hood neighbor comes thru:

Same way they degrade and insult single mothers but single fathers are brown nosed and hailed as saints

Maybe you shouldn't let lil Tay Tay cuminside you because he's exciting and pushes grams

Say it with me.

Womenarenotresponsiblefortheshittyactionsofmen.

I know a lot of men have a hard time hearing this; but you are responsible for your actions. No one else.

I grew up in the hood and saw many women glorify shitty violent men. So if you reproduce with shitty men then you get what you deserve

Actually, the above guy is all over the comment thread:

From your post history you're suicidal in Florida trying to buy guns. And bald on top of all that. Lil buddy you have bigger problems than worrying about who's cumming in whom.

Actually my hair made a huge come back si not even. You can go through every comment I wrote and still won't hurt me. Why are you so upset about my opinions?

Babes if I got upset every time I see a worthless man on the internet posting his bullshit I wouldn't be able to get anything done. You are not as important or interesting as you think you are.

Look here sweet cheeks you're still replying to me so clearly you are offended. Pls don't crook:(( Be a big girl ...and smile sweet heart. You'll look so much better :))

Aw, probably a troll.

I for one am getting sick of MEN shirking all responsibilities while WOMEN are held accountable for every last thing they do. Thoughts?

Most times, it seems to be because of insecurities. Fearing a past partner out performed them or had a bigger peepee. Fear a woman still yearns for the past partner and only settled to be with them. Also, fear of STIs

Edit: Reading through the comments, I wanted to add that views on shared intimacy are also a reason

I strongly disagree with this, but it's possible for some men I'm sure. It's like an intellectually lazy answer when we don't want to acknowledge most men are just turned off by it.

I'll use myself as an example. I'm statistically in the top 0.5% for peepee size, probably higher. Absolutely not concerned a woman would randomly come across bigger. But even if she explicitly looked for a further outlier, I know that's not the be-all end-all of a great experience. I'm in phenomenal shape, very attractive, and I've put in the work to be a selfless partner who doesn't wield my peepee like it's all I need to bring to the table. Point being, I'm not insecure she'd come across a better overall option...even if there always are people who are better than you in some specific way. I know what I offer. I still care about body count and wouldn't commit to a woman with a high one. That's not going to change moving forward either.

snappy material

This whole "body count" thing baffles me. I'm 46. I've slept with quite a few men. Not one of them has ever asked me how many partners I've had or seemed to care at all.

But online I see this shit all the time. So I've made the assumption that it matters predominantly to four types of men:

1. Those who have little or no dating/sexual experience and are nervous of a sexual partner being far more experienced than them.

2. Those who have low self confidence and don't want to have to "compete" with previous partners.

3. Incels and Andrew Tate type followers.

4. Ultra religious men.

I honestly believe it's exclusively the first two but men obfuscate it with the last two.

As a guy, that's my take as well. It almost always comes down to insecurity or jealousy. The justifications will vary (because it has to be someone else's flaw), but those two are almost always at the core.

>because it has to be someone else's flaw

How about men who view s*x differently and are against casual s*x? Finding someone with different values. I e rejected a few women because of this and I just didn't tell them. It's more common than you think but most guys aren't going to say it to your face obviously.

It's even more bizarre how women shame men for having preferences.

Then don't have casual s*x?

How does this make it impossible to date women who have had casual s*x?

That's just my personal preference and I have different values. Instead of trying to change my mind why not find a guy who doesn't care at all? If it's not a big deal why waste energy trying to convince me my preference isn't bad?

Misogyny

They pretend it's about the woman, but actually it's about them. If a woman has slept with many men, that means they're not special, and even if they don't want to admit it, men want to feel special too.

Women in that scenario blame themselves, where men blame women for their own insecurities.

>Women in that scenario blame themselves, where men blame women for their own insecurities

did you read the other comments?

If I consider how I'd feel about a male partner with a high body count, I'd be concerned about whether or not they're mature, steady, and likely to be faithful. It's not about slut shaming. It's that I'd worry that they're just self-indulgent and hedonistic. It's a perfectly valid lifestyle, but not really one I want to tie myself to.

I don't see why a man couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't have the same concerns about a woman with a high body count.

It's not just men that have opinions on their partners body count. I'm a woman and I care. Well for many reasons. The prospect of STDs come into play with increased partners. But, I also believe the physical intimacy of s*x is not separate from the emotional and psychological connection of s*x. I did not desire a partner who has shared that experience and therefore connection to many other women. My husband and I discussed our sexual history very early on in our relationship.

But STD you can get tested for, it is not like it will be a surprise for you and you can tell if someone has STD by their body count, and you can also wear protection when you date someone.

I mean I'm not going to argue with you about my desire to avoid catching an std, that doesn't seem very productive or really relevant. And having body count as a standard for marriage has zero impact on anyone other then the two consenting adults who enter into that relationship. So I don't understand why everyone gets angry when someone has body count as their standard.

internalised misogyny

tldr: white woman takes on $120k in debt to get a graduate degree in writing, whines about it

Get your Bingo cards out for use of "mansplaining."

I recently went to a queer/sapphic event. I had to go out of town for it, there's so very few wlw events in my area, if any at all.

The amount of cishet men who showed up, had the event explained to them, and still paid cover to stand awkwardly in the corners or tried in vain to hit on attendees was baffling.

One guy just stood uncomfortably close to a couple who were dancing and kissing, and he just stared.

The people working the door did their best to explain that maybe this event isn't the best one for them but nope. They wanted to come invade a feminine and queer space even though they were none of these things.

I used to run these types of events and we were never able to explicitly say cishet men weren't welcome because they'd get us shut down for being exclusionary.

Why? Why do they do this. Well. I know why. But on what fricking planet is this acceptable?

Just let us have this one thing.

the OP is 38 AFAB, homoromantic and omnisexual

A person who is homoromantic is romantically attracted to people who are the same or a similar gender as them.

People who identify as omnisexual are attracted to those of all gender identities and sexual orientations.

also this:

Hot take - if herpes or HPV are life-alteringly terrifying for you, nonmonogamy probably isn't for you

They also spend a lot of time reminding everyone how abusive Jonah Hills was

Hill, for his part, relied on a mixture of thoroughly manipulative therapy-speak and good old-fashioned slut shaming to keep his then girlfriend in line. What's most objectionable about the messages is his blatant use of his own mental health journey as a means to control Brady. Hill has spoken very publicly about his body image issues and his mental health, and even made a documentary about his therapist. I imagine that watching him turn on her using his newly discovered therapy language must have been nothing short of traumatizing for Brady.

Omg, that poor womxn!

We live in a relatively safe big city (Dallas). So far this year, my boyfriend has gotten into fights at bars, at the gym, on public transport and during pick up basketball games. This has resulted in a few stitches and many bruises. He's not (at least in my experience) an aggressive guy and so I'm just wondering if getting physical is a common occurrence that men have to deal with.

In the last few weeks a trend emerged on TikTok where women explain how they spend money. But most importantly, they reveal how they make sense out of those expenses, even though some of them don't make sense. Lo and behold: girl math: https://tiktok.com/@danielasotohealth/video/7267396650690268417

It's over for market research-cels. Zoomers will tell you their spending habits unprompted for a bit of internet clout.

What does ‘girl math' look like?

1. Forgoing sales means losing money

Imagine you're at the mall, and you spot a cute handbag at a discounted price. You want this item and it's on sale — not buying it would be stupid, right? This is ‘girl math' and the marketing industry loves it.

Brocels remind me to never share a bank account if I ever marry

2. Skipping daily expenses makes you money

Say you love drinking coffee everyday. Where I live an espresso costs around €0.75 — I know, come to Portugal. If I don't buy coffee one day, that means I've made €0.75 for the day. Quick mafs.

3. Paying with cash is like paying with free money

The cash sitting on your wallet feels like Monopoly money. You don't see any charge in your bank account, you don't see the numbers drop, so it's not as painful.

I've always considered it low IQ behavior. What compels these people to publicly admit to it, and even associate it with your gender?

A Consumer Expenditure Survey by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics found out the following: men spent an average of $41,203 a year as opposed to $38,838 by women. In absolute terms, men do spend more than women.

Foidsisters we are so back, science has saved us once again with cold, hard facts.

However, when we take into account how much each gender earns on average, the story changes. According to the Census Current Population Survey, men earn an average of $76,460, whereas women take home $56,360. In other words, men spend $53.8 out of every $100 they earn, and women $68.9.

This is why fighting for equal wages is evidence based policy. It's basically like quantitative easing.

girl math is buying starbucks everyday but it’s okay cause you get points

— Laiba (@_libsxo) October 2, 2023

BREAKING: GoFundMe for girlfriend of far-left activist brutally murdered raises over $50,000 in 24 hours after she refused to give black suspect's description to police https://t.co/GqsHnv8unV

— Jack Poso 🇺🇸 (@JackPosobiec) October 4, 2023

Might be one for chudrama but w.e

Warning: TMI and oversharing.

Men scare me. Their lust terrifies me. I'm seriously not sure if I can ever see my self trusting a man or deeming him worthy enough of my virginity or body. At the same time, I know I have a crazy high libido. It's a conundrum. So for the first time in my life, I used a dildo. Prior, to this I've never inserted anything up there, (apart from tampons). It was VERY uncomfortable at first but after that fine. No blood though. It felt so great being in control and not having to emotionally depend on a man. It also gave me lots of confidence and reassurance that I am capable.

I know deep down this doesn't count as losing my virginity. I so wish it did and might convince myself it does. It upsets me that I still have that to give that “first” to a real man.

Anyone else experienced anything similar or have any advice to get over this hurdle?

Edit: Thanks for the support everyone! Seeing a lot of comments saying that “virginity is a construct” and that I need to let this whole idea go. Trust me, I know and I am REALLY want to. However, for context, I grew up in an ultra Christian household that drilled purity culture into me since I was 5 years old. So unfortunately, it's a very complicated and distressing narrative to unpack. It doesn't help I have been disappointed by men my entire dating life so emotionally I think I would break if the experience was bad and I was regretful.

If you're unable to lift your wife over your head when you first meet her, you're either too weak or she is too heavy

A bunch of dudes showed up to the women's career fair

They can't actually tell any individual male that he's not "really" a woman, so their plan is to

A. *listen*,
B. develop a collaborative avenue for attendees to share more, and
C. be transparent https://t.co/kjfUZJvDph pic.twitter.com/Q7wdWYoMVU

— Bennett's Phylactery (@extradeadjcb) October 3, 2023

Throwaway because he knows I use reddit.

The title only says so much about the situation.

He and I have had a loving relationship for the last 2 years and a half. He proposed to me this past February. We were so happy and picked our venue and started with some of the planning. We still have a year to go so we had been leisurely figuring it out.

Shit hit the fan last week when he went on a trip to Hawaii by himself. I have bad abandonment/attachment issues and a mood disorder for which I take meds and go to therapy every two weeks, so I feel everything 10x more than the average person (no excuse for what follows below). I essentially feel like the whole world is ending when he's gone.

Anyways - I was anxious, angry, and sad that he left. I couldn't eat sleep, eat, or even work. I wasn't functioning and even doing things that I love to do by myself felt like too much because I was doing it just to cover being upset.

Whenever he leaves, even for boys night my instinct is to not talk to him, but this time he'd be gone for a whole week. I was freaking out from even the day before he left. I told him he couldn't take my luggage, I refused to give him a ride to the airport and the last thing I said to him before he left the house was “frick you.”

Well - As the week went by it all got worse. I was texting vile things to him just to disrupt his trip. I told him to die, to frick off, that I didn't love him, that I could do better than him, that I hoped his trip was miserable, and told him I hated the friend that he went with. I did so in what looking back was a creepy obsessive way. This was the whole time he was gone, but it got worse the day before he came back. He was going to dinner with his friend and I convinced myself he was ignoring me, so I told him thatI decided that I'd call him repeatedly just to “frick with him” I regret this so much. I left him over 40 missed calls. He found it disturbing and said he didn't want to talk to me. The next day I wanted to die of remorse. I punished myself by reading the definition of “disturbing” a million times and asking myself why did I do that and so sad that I fit the definition of disturbing.

I apologized the next day, expressed my remorse and my understanding that calling him over 40 times was absolutely inappropriate. Of course his friend found out and even freaked out thinking I'd call him too (I wouldn't).

As part of my apology and wanting to make things better I offered to get him from the airport )which I initially refused to do. It was so awkward it felt like standing in front of a total stranger. Radio silence in the car. I don't blame him for it. He said we needed to talk. Those words are so so so scary. He didn't break up with me, but told me that he reached out to other friends, his parents and siblings to tell them what happened. They all said I'm emotionally abusive and don't support our wedding. Now he wants to push back the date, which is heartbreaking to me.

His words to me have been “I don't know how you'll do it, but you have to fix this mess. I can't do this without my family and friends, they don't support this anymore.”

I'm afraid our relationship is only going to bleed out until it dies. I don't know how I can even show “changes in my behavior” in less than a year. I burned an insane amount of bridges and now I see an abuser in every mirror. I'm so embarrassed about this that I don't even know if I can tell my therapist.

I want to crawl under a rock and die.

This isn't the first time I blow up a partners' phone, it happened about 5 years ago or more, and it's when I first sought help. This time I feel hopeless and helpless.

How desperate would you have to be to stay with someone after this shit?

I went through all the skincare stuff my gf left in my bathroom while she's out of the house.

I found a can that she sprays on her face every morning at the end of her routine. I saw her buy this product for ~15 USD but didn't think about it so whatever it just had some french name

Checked the active ingredients list

"Spring Water"

"Natural Minerals"

That's it

My (29f) friend, let's call her Emily (32f) is an amazing person - she's fun, adventurous, intelligent, super active, a fantastic cook, outgoing and just a great girl to be around. A few years ago she decided not to shave anymore (legs, armpits, female areas) out of protest to the patriarchy, resulting in her having very long dark hair everywhere.

A few days ago, we were having a beer and she told me how sad her dating life was, that she kept meeting guys and having very fun dates but never got a call back or when she tried asking for a second or third date, got rejected in a very generic manner. Now after telling her “you're so gorgeous and wonderful, the right man will come don't worry” multiple times, I decided to go out on a limb and said something along the lines of “I know this is a very superficial thing to say, but do you think it might help a little if you would shave?“

She was very taken aback and told me she was disappointed I would suggest she change her appearance for men and that I was the reason so many women were suppressed. I immediately apologized but the evening was pretty much ruined. I texted her the next day apologizing again for hurting her but she hasn't replied.

I really did not want to hurt her but I also don't quite see how my comment was that bad so I am not sure how to phrase my apology. So decided to take it here and ask people here how big of an AH I am.

UPDATE: I am absolutely overwhelmed by the amount of reactions this got. Thank you all so much for your well-worded answers and for your inputs. Emily messaged me yesterday evening asking if we could talk about the whole thing and we had a phone call.

She started by apologizing for her reaction and by the things she said to me. I told her that I wanted her to know that I and many others love her for who she is and the last thing I wanted was to suggest that she change herself for a guy. Another important piece of advice I got here was to make sure she actually was asking for my opinion and not just venting, so I told her that I was very worried I had given her unsolicited advice. Thankfully she didn't see it that way. She told me I had always been a loyal friend who had her back and she always had valued my advice, which was why she was so taken aback by my comment. I told her that what I should have said is that I feel like in the past, she has been attracted to men who don't necessarily share her values, and that she might need to be more clear with her dating choices and first make sure they align with her values to avoid being disappointed. She also agrees with this and we really had a great conversation after that. Thanks again to you all for the insightful comments and for your help!

jannies tagged this as NTA, but most of the top comments are YTA

YTA not shaving is a value statement. She is looking for a partner in life that has the same values. By telling her to shave you are telling her to change her values just to get a man. Instead of saying “don't worry you will find the right man”, why not say “it's better that these wrong men are screened out than be with one of them that doesn't value the same things you do. Now that would be miserable compromising your values”. Being single is not the end of the world.

Edit: Typos corrected and grammar improved for clarity

Edit to add: Not shaving is a value statement for OPs friend as per OP her friend stopped shaving to stand up to the patriarchy. Not shaving is not a value statement for all those that do not shave.

This. She's not looking to date men who are only interested in women who shave. Telling her to shave is not going to help her get good dates, just more dates. And those dates would likely be the type of person she won't be interested in. She's right in saying that OP told her to change for a guy, it's just that OP didn't realize that's what they were doing.

There's a lot of internalized misogyny cope in this thread lol. I say this as a woman who shaves (when I'm not lazy). It's definitely bullshit we have to do it to be valuable to the majority of men. And honestly trailblazing women like OP's friend will likely make it so our daughters or granddaughters don't have to go through massive time-consuming routines just to pretend that being hairless is somehow more feminine than their natural bodies are.

We shouldn't discourage these women. We should empower and support them. They shouldn't change, men should change. It's just hair and they're already covered with it.

>trailblazing women

YTA

I think you're going to get some angry responses because a lot of people in this subreddit assume everyone posting is a man so of course you're going to be accused of supporting the patriarchy.

I think you're probably right that some of the guys she has gone out with are put off by her body hair. However, she likely doesn't want the kind of guy who would see body hair as a dealbreaker. She also didn't ask for your advice. It sounds like she was just venting. Let your friends vent and just listen. You don't have to offer advice. You can just offer support.

The same old 'venting' grows wearisome after a while and friend, a true friend, eventually should point out the obvious. She doesn't want a guy who sees that as a dealbreaker? All well and good, just keep in mind how few those guys are in American society.

OP makes no indication that the friend has often complained about this-which doesn't mean that isn't the case, but I would think OP would mention it if this was something the friend frequently complained to her about. So while I agree that repeatedly listening to the same complaints gets annoying, if that wasn't the case here, I don't really see a need for OP to speak up yet.

OP is also assuming that the friend's body hair is the issue, but jow would she know? The friend said she can never get past a first date, and I know we just got done with summer, but does OP know this friend always wears clothes that revealed her armpits or legs or both? Does OP know if the men the friend is going out with are just interested in hooking up and don't want to bother with someone looking for more? Does OP know if the friend has some other behavior that turns them off, or they talk about dealbreakers on the first date that reveals their incompatibility?

not shaving wouldn't deter all scrotes, but it probably is correlated with other s

Info: did she ask for advice or was she just venting?

Woah, yeah this is so important to the context. I still don't think it's proper "advice" or a solution to give. But good context to know.

redditors expect their friends to just be echochambers.

YTA... if body hair is a deal breaker for a man, it's not going to be a guy she would want to be with. You wouldn't tell a friend to lose weight too "get a man", so any variation of those is AH - wear makeup, shave, wear less makeup, wear different clothes, not those clothes the other ones....

People are entitled to their preferences - liking a beard on a guy, long hair, short hair, whatever. That is fine and not what is being judged here.

Of course you can tell a friend they need to lose weight to get a man. What kind of dishonest relationships do y'all have with "friends?"

This may come as a shock to much of Reddit but physical attraction is a huge part of relationships. And many men don't want to be with women that are as or more hairy than them. That can go both ways obviously, I wouldn't think twice of a woman expecting a man to groom themselves either.

If a man isn't attracted to me because of my weight or my body hair, then they aren't worth my time. I'm thankful for the filter that keeps the shallow ones away. Easy peasy.