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11
Finally saw cabin in the woods. In depth review and analysis.

I was just going to leave the thread blank for two reasons:

1) Since the film is so in love with cutesy little meta-metacommentary it seemed appropriate because

2) I felt absolutely nothing for this movie,

however that's too subtle, so like Cabin in the Woods itself I will now belabor the point long past anyone's ability to care.

I honestly don't even know where to begin with this. It wasn't offensively bad or anything a la Black Swan, it isn't good-bad like Chopping Mall, it's not just plain old serviceable and therefore solid in its decency like The Omen, and it certainly isn't good. And it's like it was written to preemptively shield itself from criticism.

I could call it formulaic. The defense would be that of course it's formulaic, that's the point of the movie haha they even named the generic slasher archetypes at the end, the formulaicism is part of the joke.

I could call it uninspired. The defense would similarly be that of course it's uninspired, there's a Cube-style room of rooms with all the monsters from everything, it's all deliberately derivative and referential.

I could call it not scary. The defense would again similarly be that this is also intentional, look how it's also billed as a comedy. Nevermind that it's not funny either, because it's also billed as a horror.

The plain and simple of it is that it is formulaic, and this goes for the meta-meta narrative as well. Yes the silly organization's point is to enact the contrived ritual that plays out with horror movie tropes because it's supposed to, that's not whats formulaic about it. It can be argued that every beat up to the descent into the facility is formulaic by design, but once they're through that door that excuse falls flat.

The plain and simple of it is that it is uninspired. One of the technicians remarks early on that they're allowed to cheat to make things play out as needed as much as they want. Later we see that security personnel gunning down the sacrifices meets the requirements—there's no reason not to lead with that and just shoot the whore first. Or to bomb the cabin after shooting the whore. Or literally anything else. The overarching narrative cannot be flimsy because the arguably intentionally shitty internal narrative is wink-wink-shitty to allow room for that larger one. The overall story is just there as an excuse to make 8104 different references (HAHA THE WHITEBOARD TALKS ABOUT THE R*PE TREES FROM EVIL DESD LOL) and give 3 second cameos to creatures from other movies. The facility and organization itself is just a Cube Zero knockoff anyway.

The plain and simple of it is that it is neither scary nor funny. There are no stakes even with the apocalypse on the horizon and then actualizing to end the film. Everyone is boring and sucks. Literally Shaggy from scooby doo as the lead can't go any other way. The humor predates it by several years but it all smacks of that atrocious Rian Johnson Star Wars movie with the yo momma joke; it's quip "comedy" without the quips but the exact same degree of unwarranted and omnipresent self-satisfaction.

This is, however, a lot more negativity than Cabin in the Woods strictly deserves. I don't feel any sort of profound loathing for it or anything, it did nothing to elicit any particular emotion that strong. It's a completely unremarkable hour and a half.

For a movie with such an incredibly promising cover and inexplicably golden critic reviews from the beforetimes when critics evaluated things by metrics other than how much gay s*x a film has in it, the only thing I feel in any notable sense is confusion as to how either of these things happened. That and I want to watch Hellraiser because cenobites are great even if they are bootleg and have 30 seconds of screentime in an utterly mid movie.

★★☆☆☆

!kino your thoughts?

cc @LainkeyKong as requested

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130
:redlight: :redlight: IT'S HAPPENING! Trump is done for! Democrats enact BOLD NEW STRATEGY :redlight: :redlight:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738882252EABh6QMgDSyc4Q.webp

link

:marseyrave: Impeachment articles filed! :marseyrave:

(do NOT read the actual article) :!capychad3:


Walls status?

---> closing in

Is this.... "The Beginning Of The End?"


It's currently #2 on /r/All. Surely it will be #1 soon.

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738882252iXaDg0hbvXdVyA.webp

link


:#marseytrumpitsover:


Soldier of the Reddit Army pushes back against Fascist demoralisation tactics!

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738882843igYLg8cjDiDtKg.webp

link

:#soysnoo2: "do. not. give. up."

Most self-aware Redditoid:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738883444C7Ajr44ZNCXeTQ.webp

link

:#brainletchest: Democrat impeachments were real. Trump spoke with Zelensky on the phone... and he did that other thing.... which no one can remember...

Most controversial comment currently:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738884819paW_nenpV14Hhg.webp

link

:#soyjakanimeglasses: Erm, we've had the white house for 16 of the last 20 years, sweaty
Wrong. :#capygigabrain:

2005-2008 Bush (4) | 2009-2015 Obama (8) | 2016-20 Trump (4) | 21-25 Biden (4)


How do people turn into this?:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738885440YLe9wRVEw0DiWg.webp

link

:#marseysnoo:

("Marshall law" lmao)


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13
:marseyxdorbit: :marseysnappynraged:

!burgers !dramatards

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72
:marseyemojilaugh: BONGS TO BAN POINTY KNIVES :marseyemojilaugh:

OI GUVNAH YEW GO' A LOICENSE F'DAT DEYUH POIN'Y KNOIFE COR BLOIMEY INNIT?

:#marseybongcoptalking:

A Hollywood actor who glamorizes psychotic murderers on death row as the good guys told England to ban pointy knives

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738897762kGulM4-XfICxSA.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738897632EevGBsBh83LU1Q.webp

!burgers point and laugh at the !britbongs

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:#marseycut:

https://media.tenor.com/j0BAcRArt6kAAAAx/luka-luka-doncic.webp


					
					
					
	

				
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38
Americans hate :!marseytrain:s more than illegal immigrants :marseyemojilaugh:

!chuds !transphobes

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738906887Q5JeIuseeIHfkg.webp

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7
I hate the neurodivergent twinks on dating apps
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38
Kanye says "Yes Diddy"

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738901344t1AmuEaYkvVRKw.webp https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738901343vkr1xpe_g-09qA.webp

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Reported by:
  • KONGtimeKONGtimeKONGtime : harassment campaign meant to make fun of an innocent boomer, please only post in good faith
59
Lawyer gets his Wiener stolen

https://i.rdrama.net/images/17388906156gLwQoEz38J_lQ.webp https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738890615R0L65rS6VvYgWw.webp https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738890615_hroDiSITKwd3g.webp https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738890615hYm9DbwSkYUVFA.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/17388906153nu--UTP_i6U2w.webp

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Most Based Comments

Basedness: 🔥🔥🔥🔘🔘

Trav and Taylor are trumpers girl (698)

Taylor may have secretly voted for Trump idk her mind. But she openly campaigned for Harris so 🤷🏼‍♀️ (14)

Basedness: 🔥🔥🔘🔘🔘

NFL players of all races lean very conservative. Remember this is a sport that has had ONE openly gay active player in its entire history, It's not exactly known for its progressivism and tolerance. There are only a couple of vocally liberal players and a whole lot more far-right ones who stay relatively quiet. (743)

Is basketball different? My cities team has a coach that will not shut the frick up about issues(complimentary)but I don't really get into sportsball so I thought that was common across the board. (59)

Basedness: 🔥🔘🔘🔘🔘

Compare this to the Eagles and Jalen hurts attitude towards him. I don't know anything about sports except that I want the chiefs to lose this. (983)

What did Jalen say about him? I can't find anything about it. (14)

Angriest Comments

Angriness: 😡😡😡😡😡

Let's stop pretending Taylor is some kind of helpless baby who's trapped in this relationship - she's obviously fine with dating a Trump supporter. She's a typical billionaire who's insulated from everything that's happening and about to happen to America and idk why she gets special treatment. (7874)

Listen I don't know a fricking thing about this subreddit and idk even know why it's recommended honestly but you hear me this:For as much good as taytay loves to purport I'll say this much as an aviation veteran with a decade experience working with private jets: this woman can frick right the frick off. The amount of fuel she shits into the atmosphere on the regular is worthy darn near of a war crime. Not to mention just the idea of how unabashedly gaudy it is, flashing her billions around while charging what, 4-500USD a ticket?I'm over the Taylor bullshit and I'm fricking left as they come. Way fricking left. (6)

Angriness: 😡😡😡🔘🔘

I'll likely be downkongd for this but this is just your standard straight down the middle athlete answer during media week, if you have a problem with the answer [which is fair] then it's less about him as an individual and more about the NFL's media training and stance as a whole. The same journ*list asked everyone else the same question on both teams and they all answered pretty much the same. They do it to create as little headlines and distractions as possible before the big game. The only reason this may get more attention despite a similar neutral answer to everyone else is because of the TS connection.We have seen Trump speak negatively on both Travis and Taylor previously. As someone who isn't much of a fan of his or the Chiefs he's publicly supported and advocated for causes and groups that are diametrically opposed to Trump. Whether it be Kelce's public stance on guns, LGBT rights, BLM movement or vaccination. There is also a podcast appearance where he says Trump is racis... (766)

This is a dude that kneeled with teammates during the national anthem, who donates to inner city youth, and is generally a decent dude doing pro-vaccine commercials, and other things. I don't know his personal beliefs, but he's also the ultimate team player. He's the least likely guy to make a media mistake during the biggest week of his life at the Superbowl. He didn't say he loves Donald Trump and he didn't say Frick him. Both that would blow up the story. He just said the President coming is an honor. It would be for any President that the head of the nation wants to watch you play. Even if they are not someone you like or support. Now, that saying Trump sucks, F him would cause trouble with his team, team owner, league, fan base, half the country, that is what really sucks. Not Travis's answer. For being a Chiefs fan, I don't like the NFL limiting players free speech by threat of job loss, the owners make the game almost unwatchable knowing that you are stuffing money i... (167)

Angriness: 😡😡😡🔘🔘

Donald trump has literally gone out of his way to insult taylor and made horrible deepfake AI images of her. Also trumps boss musk has been posting in the past 2 weeks ! photoshopped images to make taylor look like a nazi and this is what he says?! I'd be fuming!! (40)

Biggest Lolcow: /u/prettybunbun

Score: 🐮🐮🔘🔘🔘

Number of comments: 5

Average angriness: 🔘🔘🔘🔘🔘

Maximum angriness: 😡😡😡🔘🔘

Minimum angriness: 🔘🔘🔘🔘🔘

NEW: Subscribe to /h/miners to see untapped drama veins, ripe for mining! :marseyminer:

:marppy: autodrama: automating away the jobs of dramneurodivergents. :marseycapitalistmanlet: Ping HeyMoon if there are any problems or you have a suggestion :marseyjamming:

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56
:marseyhibernian: O'Grimacey has returned from retirement and has brought shamrock shakes to Mcdonald's :marseyhibernian:

:u::p: :t::h::e: :r::a: :marseyira:

The shamrock shake is back at Mcdonald's before it's even valentine's day along with Grimace's Uncle O'Grimacey who hasn't been seen since the '80s. He seems like a chill guy (see image below) and I'm happy Grimace has been united with his beloved uncle. :marseyembrace:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738894609f7TaL8h2H9CelA.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/17388946095gdYwg3iUWiKqw.webp

I got one today and it was sweeter than I remember but maybe they just put too much mysterious green syrup in mine. 7.5/10 but I wonder how it'll taste after I put it in the freezer.

!goyslopenjoyers

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8
I HAVE A DREAM
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https://store.steampowered.com/app/3130060/Move_Out_Manor/

The game that the post is about.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3336610/Ghostly_Acres/

The new game.

Going on visuals alone this is actually a significant upgrade that they should be happy about. I can't say much about the rest though. It's a little sad that the talent they have is being funneled into the trash. There's talk of "market research." Surely asking anyone in their life if they'd be willing to spend any amount of time or money on a puzzle game where you push boxes around would get them the results that it took nine months to find.

"We did all the things you're supposed to do: Steam page launch, Next Fest, festivals, but still have minimal sales." When they say minimal they're talking less than 100 sales. Likely less than a dozen genuine. It has one real review. The other isn't even a friend, it's a small youtuber who received the game for free. Not a single associate of this team was willing to play and review this game.

When I started making these posts it was to point and laugh. Now the thought of multiple people spending their free time producing content that likely didn't even cover the $100 steam submission fee makes me :marseyaware:

I wonder if a Caleb Hammer-type show where "legitimate" devs pitch their idea to a flamboyant host would go well. Ideally the content would have a biggest-loser "where are they now" segment but almost every time it would be - "faded away into obscurity, released nothing."

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48
The President of Cocaine says that Cocaine is actually super cool and based and anti-racist.

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738897758Yk8JRAs9HPUJrg.webp :marseycocaine#:

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72
OP in r/bayarea has been getting flipped off and hail hitler'd a lot; redditors respond

					
					

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738886090HsA07kyTqPrXUw.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738886090cWck9kEb9XkD_w.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738886090EJE43W2GLcykgg.webp

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24
Watching cabin in the woods finally

Stay tuned for the sleep deprived review and in depth analysis

Sneak peek: it's like 5 minutes in and I hate it so far

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115
Reddit gigajanny on the coomercaust: "Looking into this." Was this in error? Will the child s*x trafficking website restore pornography? BETTING THREAD :donkeykongdance3: :diddykongdance: :funkykongdance:

When will the wholesome sexual healthcare subs be restored? Or was this intentional? Qualifications for an overturn are either:

No this is permanent (wins if still nothing in 3 days OR an official statement indicating permanence) - 18 bets

Within 1 hour - 2 bets - WINNER!

1-3 hours - 11 bets

3-8 hours - 21 bets

8-24 hours - 8 bets

24-48 hours - 3 bets

48-72 hours - 1 bets

All times are relative to the timestamp of this thread.

Note: as a reminder I do not read threads or comments so this understanding of the situation is based entirely on titles and thumbnails, if it is in error then the situation itself is wrong, not me

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40
:marseynotes: ooh I'm gonna remember that one

!meowr

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Reported by:

:marseypop2#talking: https://media.tenor.com/JX6U7i8C2PkAAAAx/jesse-pinkman-drink.webp :marseyaaatrembletalking#!:

:marseypizzashilltalking#: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :marseyraccoonshock#!talking:

:marseyhitler#talking: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :marseystalintalking#!:

:marseydarktrumptalking#: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :marseyreportermnn#talking:

:marseychingchongragingtalking#: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :capydark!#talking:

:marseywitchtriggeredtalking#: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :chudseethetalking#!:

:carpagree#talking: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :carpsockpuppet2#!talking:

:marseywhitedynamitetalking#: https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738816136UeSZuiJ7eoiFyg.webp :marseypenny!#talking:

The possibilities for bullying self entitled power users are endless!

:marseyawardretard#:

Thank you @barrel for pushing me to do better than :marseyoof:

!marseyfans !marseyartists please :marseyattentionseeker: I need dat boosted kong-money :marseypoor:

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26
A friendly reminder :marseytruthnuke: - /r/PlusSize

					
					

https://i.redd.it/pj4sgu1f1che1.jpeg finally we FatCHADS of the penile gender are getting some representation! !foidmoment

https://media1.tenor.com/m/MJGizIxLAWUAAAAd/gigachad-fat.gif

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55
SITE SUGGESTION: PING GROUP INVITES

SO EVERY TIME THE FAKECELS OF !INCELS REJECT MY APPLICATION I CAN INVITE THEM TO !FAKELARPERCUTE TWINKCELS

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82
Introducing the biggest loser in American Literature history :marseylaugh:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852938QR6mb2cKD20lwA.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852937GANbLT8CBtjKpQ.webp

:marseyp#oor:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852937mz4Tv9_XaIX5Qg.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852938CjwX6yLOYD5SIQ.webp

:marseyc#hud:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/17388529370BMWgTUwQx-8qA.webp

:marseylaugh#:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852937cC_zgVyu5IZzfg.webp

:marseyl#aughpoundfist:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852937iqBZwZWwTXfI4w.webp

:marse#yseethe:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852937Cu1mLnQABFk4PA.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852938fAUKTpEpBZz1NQ.webp

Holy shit :marsey#xd: what a bum

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852937b7H5TvIYgCoDVQ.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852937ipicyvLNCguViw.webp

:marseygiggl#e:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852937kCgJSDkXEZOqMg.webp

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852937fWgkwSbAVhHQIA.webp

I have one of his books. It's supposed to be aight.

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738852938z73p55MNh57i6g.webp

5
I decided to cut back on sugar water

my post earlier about being a 31 year old virgin inspired me to make life changes so yeah i decided to cut back on strag water

instead of cutting back i actually havent had any since i posted my L (the L standing for "life") 2 days ago

go me

thanks for being supportive im focused on how i finish my life not how it started

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2
:marseyelonmusk: updates a classical meme to the modern reality :marseycruisemissile:
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26
I found a chudjak lora

https://civitai.com/models/739676/chudjak-flux-dev

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738896779W0FQY9uWiYYNqw.webp https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738896779TmPELywZ2qClgg.webp

it's not bad

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74
:zoomer: :!marseyjournogenocide:

https://i.rdrama.net/images/1738876540_394g7GwY3MLYg.webp

https://web.archive.org/web/20250206083241/https://www.wired.com/story/edward-coristine-tesla-sexy-path-networks-doge/

Now playing: Mining Melancholy (DKC2).mp3

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