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I was just going to leave the thread blank for two reasons:
1) Since the film is so in love with cutesy little meta-metacommentary it seemed appropriate because
2) I felt absolutely nothing for this movie,
however that's too subtle, so like Cabin in the Woods itself I will now belabor the point long past anyone's ability to care.
I honestly don't even know where to begin with this. It wasn't offensively bad or anything a la Black Swan, it isn't good-bad like Chopping Mall, it's not just plain old serviceable and therefore solid in its decency like The Omen, and it certainly isn't good. And it's like it was written to preemptively shield itself from criticism.
I could call it formulaic. The defense would be that of course it's formulaic, that's the point of the movie haha they even named the generic slasher archetypes at the end, the formulaicism is part of the joke.
I could call it uninspired. The defense would similarly be that of course it's uninspired, there's a Cube-style room of rooms with all the monsters from everything, it's all deliberately derivative and referential.
I could call it not scary. The defense would again similarly be that this is also intentional, look how it's also billed as a comedy. Nevermind that it's not funny either, because it's also billed as a horror.
The plain and simple of it is that it is formulaic, and this goes for the meta-meta narrative as well. Yes the silly organization's point is to enact the contrived ritual that plays out with horror movie tropes because it's supposed to, that's not whats formulaic about it. It can be argued that every beat up to the descent into the facility is formulaic by design, but once they're through that door that excuse falls flat.
The plain and simple of it is that it is uninspired. One of the technicians remarks early on that they're allowed to cheat to make things play out as needed as much as they want. Later we see that security personnel gunning down the sacrifices meets the requirements—there's no reason not to lead with that and just shoot the whore first. Or to bomb the cabin after shooting the whore. Or literally anything else. The overarching narrative cannot be flimsy because the arguably intentionally shitty internal narrative is wink-wink-shitty to allow room for that larger one. The overall story is just there as an excuse to make 8104 different references (HAHA THE WHITEBOARD TALKS ABOUT THE R*PE TREES FROM EVIL DESD LOL) and give 3 second cameos to creatures from other movies. The facility and organization itself is just a Cube Zero knockoff anyway.
The plain and simple of it is that it is neither scary nor funny. There are no stakes even with the apocalypse on the horizon and then actualizing to end the film. Everyone is boring and sucks. Literally Shaggy from scooby doo as the lead can't go any other way. The humor predates it by several years but it all smacks of that atrocious Rian Johnson Star Wars movie with the yo momma joke; it's quip "comedy" without the quips but the exact same degree of unwarranted and omnipresent self-satisfaction.
This is, however, a lot more negativity than Cabin in the Woods strictly deserves. I don't feel any sort of profound loathing for it or anything, it did nothing to elicit any particular emotion that strong. It's a completely unremarkable hour and a half.
For a movie with such an incredibly promising cover and inexplicably golden critic reviews from the beforetimes when critics evaluated things by metrics other than how much gay s*x a film has in it, the only thing I feel in any notable sense is confusion as to how either of these things happened. That and I want to watch Hellraiser because cenobites are great even if they are bootleg and have 30 seconds of screentime in an utterly mid movie.
★★☆☆☆
!kino your thoughts?
cc @LainkeyKong as requested
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Impeachment articles filed!
(do NOT read the actual article)
Walls status?
---> closing in
Is this.... "The Beginning Of The End?"
It's currently #2 on /r/All. Surely it will be #1 soon.
Soldier of the Reddit Army pushes back against Fascist demoralisation tactics!
"do. not. give. up."
Most self-aware Redditoid:
Democrat impeachments were real. Trump spoke with Zelensky on the phone... and he did that other thing.... which no one can remember...
Most controversial comment currently:
Erm, we've had the white house for 16 of the last 20 years, sweaty
Wrong.
2005-2008 Bush (4) | 2009-2015 Obama (8) | 2016-20 Trump (4) | 21-25 Biden (4)
How do people turn into this?:
("Marshall law" lmao)
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OI GUVNAH YEW GO' A LOICENSE F'DAT DEYUH POIN'Y KNOIFE COR BLOIMEY INNIT?
A Hollywood actor who glamorizes psychotic murderers on death row as the good guys told England to ban pointy knives
!burgers point and laugh at the !britbongs
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If 79% of Americans oppose "transgender FEMALE athletes" competing in women's sports, imagine how many oppose MALE athletes in women's sports!
— Colin Wright (@SwipeWright) February 6, 2025
Drop the obfuscatory language. The opposition is to ALL MALE ATHLETES, no matter how they "identify."pic.twitter.com/6RKCcIXLNv
- KONGtimeKONGtimeKONGtime : harassment campaign meant to make fun of an innocent boomer, please only post in good faith
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Most Based Comments
Basedness: 🔥🔥🔥🔘🔘
Trav and Taylor are trumpers girl (698)
Taylor may have secretly voted for Trump idk her mind. But she openly campaigned for Harris so 🤷🏼♀️ (14)
Basedness: 🔥🔥🔘🔘🔘
NFL players of all races lean very conservative. Remember this is a sport that has had ONE openly gay active player in its entire history, It's not exactly known for its progressivism and tolerance. There are only a couple of vocally liberal players and a whole lot more far-right ones who stay relatively quiet. (743)
Basedness: 🔥🔘🔘🔘🔘
Compare this to the Eagles and Jalen hurts attitude towards him. I don't know anything about sports except that I want the chiefs to lose this. (983)
What did Jalen say about him? I can't find anything about it. (14)
Angriest Comments
Angriness: 😡😡😡😡😡
Let's stop pretending Taylor is some kind of helpless baby who's trapped in this relationship - she's obviously fine with dating a Trump supporter. She's a typical billionaire who's insulated from everything that's happening and about to happen to America and idk why she gets special treatment. (7874)
Angriness: 😡😡😡🔘🔘
I'll likely be downkongd for this but this is just your standard straight down the middle athlete answer during media week, if you have a problem with the answer [which is fair] then it's less about him as an individual and more about the NFL's media training and stance as a whole. The same journ*list asked everyone else the same question on both teams and they all answered pretty much the same. They do it to create as little headlines and distractions as possible before the big game. The only reason this may get more attention despite a similar neutral answer to everyone else is because of the TS connection.We have seen Trump speak negatively on both Travis and Taylor previously. As someone who isn't much of a fan of his or the Chiefs he's publicly supported and advocated for causes and groups that are diametrically opposed to Trump. Whether it be Kelce's public stance on guns, LGBT rights, BLM movement or vaccination. There is also a podcast appearance where he says Trump is racis... (766)
Angriness: 😡😡😡🔘🔘
Biggest Lolcow: /u/prettybunbun
Score: 🐮🐮🔘🔘🔘
Number of comments: 5
Average angriness: 🔘🔘🔘🔘🔘
Maximum angriness: 😡😡😡🔘🔘
Minimum angriness: 🔘🔘🔘🔘🔘
NEW: Subscribe to /h/miners to see untapped drama veins, ripe for mining!
autodrama: automating away the jobs of dramneurodivergents. Ping HeyMoon if there are any problems or you have a suggestion
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The shamrock shake is back at Mcdonald's before it's even valentine's day along with Grimace's Uncle O'Grimacey who hasn't been seen since the '80s. He seems like a chill guy (see image below) and I'm happy Grimace has been united with his beloved uncle.
I got one today and it was sweeter than I remember but maybe they just put too much mysterious green syrup in mine. 7.5/10 but I wonder how it'll taste after I put it in the freezer.
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https://store.steampowered.com/app/3130060/Move_Out_Manor/
The game that the post is about.
https://store.steampowered.com/app/3336610/Ghostly_Acres/
The new game.
Going on visuals alone this is actually a significant upgrade that they should be happy about. I can't say much about the rest though. It's a little sad that the talent they have is being funneled into the trash. There's talk of "market research." Surely asking anyone in their life if they'd be willing to spend any amount of time or money on a puzzle game where you push boxes around would get them the results that it took nine months to find.
"We did all the things you're supposed to do: Steam page launch, Next Fest, festivals, but still have minimal sales." When they say minimal they're talking less than 100 sales. Likely less than a dozen genuine. It has one real review. The other isn't even a friend, it's a small youtuber who received the game for free. Not a single associate of this team was willing to play and review this game.
When I started making these posts it was to point and laugh. Now the thought of multiple people spending their free time producing content that likely didn't even cover the $100 steam submission fee makes me
I wonder if a Caleb Hammer-type show where "legitimate" devs pitch their idea to a flamboyant host would go well. Ideally the content would have a biggest-loser "where are they now" segment but almost every time it would be - "faded away into obscurity, released nothing."
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Cocaine "is no worse than whiskey" and is only illegal because it comes from Latin America, said Colombian President Gustavo Petro, whose nation is the world's biggest cocaine producer and exporter. https://t.co/eeOHBPcXP0
— CBS News (@CBSNews) February 6, 2025
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Stay tuned for the sleep deprived review and in depth analysis
Sneak peek: it's like 5 minutes in and I hate it so far
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When will the wholesome sexual healthcare subs be restored? Or was this intentional? Qualifications for an overturn are either:
an explicit statement from admin saying it was a bug/oversight and will be/is being corrected, OR
any of the following subs being unbanned (selected at random from a post I saw): /r/rule34, /r/overwatchporn (or /r/overwatch_porn idk), /r/legalteens
No this is permanent (wins if still nothing in 3 days OR an official statement indicating permanence) - 18 bets
Within 1 hour - 2 bets - WINNER!
1-3 hours - 11 bets
3-8 hours - 21 bets
8-24 hours - 8 bets
24-48 hours - 3 bets
48-72 hours - 1 bets
All times are relative to the timestamp of this thread.
Note: as a reminder I do not read threads or comments so this understanding of the situation is based entirely on titles and thumbnails, if it is in error then the situation itself is wrong, not me
- Nightcrawler : nice one pal just saying hi
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The possibilities for bullying self entitled power users are endless!
Thank you @barrel for pushing me to do better than
!marseyfans !marseyartists please I need dat boosted kong-money
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SO EVERY TIME THE FAKECELS OF !INCELS REJECT MY APPLICATION I CAN INVITE THEM TO !FAKELARPERCUTE TWINKCELS
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my post earlier about being a 31 year old virgin inspired me to make life changes so yeah i decided to cut back on strag water
instead of cutting back i actually havent had any since i posted my L (the L standing for "life") 2 days ago
go me
thanks for being supportive im focused on how i finish my life not how it started
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This meme goes deep pic.twitter.com/pTTvW7fbpU
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) February 7, 2025
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nobody who loves these kids has made them sound cooler than wired has made them sound while trying to destroy them pic.twitter.com/6IAFBog6lu
— Mike Solana (@micsolana) February 6, 2025
Now playing: Mining Melancholy (DKC2).mp3